Episode 110: Jealousy and Compersion

Jul 15, 2022

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INSIGHT

Compersion Is Multi‑Faceted

Compersion is defined by positive emotions felt when a partner has relationships with others, but the specific emotion varies across people.
Not everyone experiences the same kind or intensity of compersion, and it can include joy, pride, or sexual excitement.

ADVICE

Build Inner Security To Foster Compersion

Cultivate self‑care, secure self‑worth, and meet needs outside the primary relationship to increase compersion.
Manage jealousy and adopt an open, non‑attached mindset to make positive responses more likely.

ADVICE

Use Active Listening To Grow Compersion

Practice intentional empathy: actively listen to your partner's experience without filtering it through your own lens.
Try non‑attachment to outcomes and perspective‑taking to gradually cultivate compersion.

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If your romantic partner were to become sexually or romantically interested in someone else, how would you feel? Jealousy is often presumed to be the default response, especially in monogamous relationships. However, in consensually non-monogamous relationships, people often experience happiness, pleasure, or other positive feelings–a phenomenon known as compersion. So how are jealousy and compersion linked? Can you experience both at the same time? Can you learn to experience compersion if it’s something you’ve never felt before? That’s what we’re going to be talking about today.

I am joined by Dr. Sharon Flicker, a clinical psychologist who researches intimate relationships. She is an Assistant Professor of Psychology at California State University – Sacramento and has recently co-authored a series of papers on the subject of compersion. Some of the topics we explore include:

What does it really mean to experience compersion?
What are the kinds of things that make it easier to feel compersion? What makes it harder?
Is compersion a trait that you either have or don’t have, or is it something you can teach yourself to feel?
Are compersion and jealousy mutually exclusive, or can you experience both simultaneously?
In polyamory, how do the relationships you have with your partner’s partners influence compersion?
Is the experience of compersion necessary for successful polyamory?

To learn more about Sharon, you can visit her lab website or follow her on Twitter @smflicker1

Thanks to the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes (modernsextherapyinstitutes.com) for sponsoring this episode!

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Credits: Jonathan Raz Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.