Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It
Feb 10, 2025
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Feeling like adult friendships are impossible? You're not alone! Dive into the surprising reasons behind the so-called 'friendship recession.' Discover the three essential pillars for creating lasting bonds and learn why it's crucial to not take friendship shifts personally. Explore the Let Them Theory for a more flexible approach to connections, along with a step-by-step plan to find and keep incredible friends at any stage in life. Plus, uncover shocking research on how long it truly takes to form close relationships!
Adulthood presents unique challenges for forming friendships due to 'the great scattering' as life paths diverge after youth.
Understanding the three pillars of proximity, timing, and energy is crucial for creating deep, lasting friendships in adulthood.
Adopting a flexible approach through The Let Them Theory encourages personal growth and helps navigate evolving social connections.
Deep dives
The Challenge of Adult Friendships
Making friends as an adult can feel overwhelmingly difficult due to a significant change in how friendships function after childhood. Unlike the structured environment of school and communal activities of youth, adulthood often lacks the same opportunities for organic social interactions. As people enter their 20s, they often experience what Mel Robbins terms 'the great scattering', where friends begin to disperse into different life paths, diminishing the frequency of interactions. This transition can result in feelings of loneliness, as adults may find themselves isolated from their previously available social networks.
Understanding the New Rules of Friendship
To navigate adult friendships effectively, it's essential to understand three fundamental pillars: proximity, timing, and energy. Proximity emphasizes the need for physical closeness to foster friendships, as research indicates that spending significant time together is vital in establishing connections. Timing highlights the importance of being in similar life stages, as differences in personal circumstances can create barriers to friendship. Energy refers to the compatibility and mutual interest shared between friends, which can shift over time and influence the dynamics of the relationship.
Embracing Flexibility in Friendships
An important aspect of forming and maintaining friendships is adopting a flexible mindset and letting relationships evolve naturally. Rather than making friendship feel transactional or holding onto expectations, individuals should allow friendships to come and go, embracing the fact that people change and circumstances shift. By embracing the 'let them' approach, one can ease the pressure on themselves and others in their social circles. This flexibility encourages personal growth and enables individuals to recognize valuable connections that may emerge at different life stages.
Going First: The Importance of Taking Initiative
One proactive strategy to combat loneliness and foster connections is to take the initiative in reaching out to others. This can involve simple actions such as introducing oneself or steering small conversations in familiar spaces, like a local coffee shop or community events. By making an effort to connect, individuals create opportunities for meaningful interactions, leading to potential friendships. Additionally, engaging in group activities that align with personal interests can provide a natural setting for meeting like-minded individuals, increasing the likelihood of forming strong bonds.
The Role of Time and Shared Interests in Friendship
Cultivating deep and lasting friendships requires patience and a recognition of the importance of shared experiences. Research underscores that significant time investment is necessary to transition from casual acquaintance to a close friendship, often taking up to 200 hours. Individuals should be prepared to invest time to create strong ties, giving relationships the chance to develop organically. By participating in activities that align with personal passions, adults can form connections grounded in mutual interests, enriching their social lives and enhancing overall well-being.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering “where did all my friends go?” or felt like making friends as an adult is impossible, you are not alone.
In today’s episode, Mel is breaking down the surprising reasons why friendship feels so much harder in adulthood—and, more importantly, how to change that.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
The three essential pillars for creating deep, lasting friendships.
Why you may be experiencing a “friendship recession”
How to stop taking friendship shifts personally.
How to use The Let Them Theory to take a more flexible approach to friendship.
A simple, step-by-step plan to find and keep incredible friends at any stage of life.
Mel also shares shocking research that will change the way you think about friendships—including how long it really takes to form a close bond and the single most important factor in building lasting connections.
If you feel lonely, disconnected, or simply want to strengthen the friendships you already have, this episode will give you the exact roadmap you need.
For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page.
