7 The Huge Mistake We Make with our Emotions in a Crisis

Coronavirus Crisis: Carpe Diem

The huge mistake we make with our emotions in a crisis

Episode 7:  April 10, 2020

Let’s get right to it.  Today we are discussing the one huge mistake that we human beings tend to make with our emotions when we are in a drawn-out crisis situation. One major mistake that we all are prone to make when we are stressed.  

And we’re going to also not just discuss the remedy to that huge common mistake – but also we are going to practice that remedy.  I will walk you through an experiential exercise to help you rise above that common mistake and help you know yourself better.  So stay with me, here we go…

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Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis:  Carpe Diem where together we embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth during this pandemic, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski with Souls and Hearts.  Thank you for being here.  

So what is the great mistake that many of us make with our intense emotions in a crisis?  In one word the answer is:  Neglect.  We neglect them.  We disregard them.  We don’t pay attention to them.  We avoid them.  We defend against them so that in an emergency they don’t keep us from being able to act.  And that is helpful in the short run.  

Imagine firefight on a battlefield where a soldier’s legs are wounded by shrapnel and he can’t move.  His buddy moves quickly and efficiently to stop the bleeding and is carrying him back to the medic for care.  It would not help his buddy to get overwhelmed with emotion, fear, or a sense of loss, or to remember in that moment all the good times they had together on base.  Temporarily, his buddy can keep out of conscious awareness all those memories and all that emotion to be able to focus on the demands of the moment.  And that is a gift from God.  

We naturally have defenses that keep some of our internal experience out of conscious awareness so we can function under stress.  We call them defenses because they defend us, they protect us against internal experiences that otherwise would overwhelm us, swamp us with their intensity.  Some clinicians call these defenses coping mechanisms.  

So what are these defenses?  You’ve heard of many of them – denial, repression, avoidance, dissociation – I have a list of about 50 of them that I consider when I’m doing psychological evaluations. The function of all of these defenses is to protect us from being overwhelmed by our experience, particularly intense emotional experiences.  The problem is that over time, these defenses all have costs.  There is a price to pay for using a defense.  The costs is often part of the defense itself – for example, getting hung over after drinking too much.  

But a cost common to all defenses is that are not as in touch with our emotions.  In general, people only deal with what they consciously experience and they assume that this is all that there is.  If I don’t feel it, it’s not there.   If a defense is working effectively, it keeps all or at least part of an emotion out of our awareness.  And when we don’t know what we are feeling we are at a disadvantage.  For example, we can’t share those experiences with other people or bring them to God in prayer.  We are not integrated, connected with emotion.  

Let me make comparison to the body.  There are some people with rare genetic condition who cannot feel physical pain.   It’s called congenital analgesia And it’s thought to be related to a genetic mutation that interrupts the normal functioning of pain messages in the central nervous system.  They don’t feel it when they burn their mouth with hot coffee, they don’t feel pain when they injure themselves in any way.  Some people might wish to have this condition – to live a pain free life!  But they tend to have short lives.  They don’t have the warning system to protect themselves.  

So an example.  Let’s say that you are angry with your spouse, but you have defended against that anger.  It’s likely to come out in your behavior, in ways that you intellect and will can’t address as effectively.  We call that enactment or acting out.  It’s a way of discharging some unconscious emotion through action.  Have you ever had the experience where you where pretty sure someone felt something toward you, but they weren’t aware of it?  Or how about the guy who insists in a frustrated, angry tone, that he is not angry.  “I’m not angry, why do you keep telling me I’m angry?!”  Often people believe what they are saying in those moments.  They are not in touch with their experience.  .  Floyd at the work.  He’s the last one – never complained. He’s enacting.  

So now we are weeks into this crisis.  It’s dragging on.  We’ve had time to build up emotions about it.  The problem is not that we have some temporary disconnect from intense emotion.  But when we don’t seek to understand ourselves, when we stay unaware of what we are feeling – then problems come in.

How can my emotions influence my actions when I am not feeling them?  Emotions signal important things going on within us.  They inform us about our experience.  And when they are kept out of awareness by defenses, there is a God-given pull for the trouble to come to the surface.  The more we repress and refuse to acknowledge an emotion, the more that emotion tries to get to the surface.  It’s like trying to keep a beach ball under the water.  

Or think about it this way.  Have you ever been in the presence of compassionate person and then all of sudden had an insight about what you’re really struggling with – a realization.  The love of the other helps the defenses to relax so the problem can come to the surface without overwhelming you.  

Remedy: Experiential exercise.  Not therapy.  Sounds really simple 

Importance of Gentleness with self.  

A very important aspect of heartset:  Willingness to look inside and own what is there.  Seek and ye shall find.  Slow down.  

You can find out.  Create the conditions.  

Mindset of acceptance of all your internal experience.   Be willing to own your emotions.  If we are, we are going to see things we don’t want to see.  Impulses, desires, attitudes, but also emotions.  Shame, grief, anger,  First and second moral acts.   Saints:  Discuss wretchedness not their wonderfulness?

Set aside

Time to feel.  

Space to feel.  

Relationship to feel

Note your reactions.

Drawing or doodling. Writing down in a journal – putting thoughts and feelings into words allows us to engaging the will and the intellect. 

Let me know how this exercise goes for you.  

Email me at     crisis@soulsandhearts.com Let’s stay connected. If you sign up at soulsandhearts.com for this podcast you will get the Wednesday morning email with extra tips and insider information, including sneak peaks.  For example, I will send you a list of the names of 50 or so defenses that I consider in evalu...