It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier
Apr 24, 2025
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Danielle Bayard Jackson, a leading expert on female friendship and author of 'Fighting For Our Friendships', dives into the complexities of adult friendships. She discusses why making friends as an adult feels so challenging and explores the emotional toll of friendship breakups. Danielle shares insights on why it’s okay to not have a BFF and offers practical advice on rekindling old friendships. She highlights the importance of communication, self-reflection, and simple steps to strengthen support systems and navigate conflicts.
Female friendships are complex due to emotional depth, which heightens expectations and potential for conflicts over reciprocity.
Communication and transparency are essential in resolving issues, helping to recalibrate expectations and restore intimacy between friends.
Life transitions like marriage or career changes can strain friendships, but open discussions are crucial for adapting and maintaining connections.
Deep dives
The Nature of Female Friendships
Female friendships are often marked by complexity, characterized by deeper emotional connections compared to friendships among men. Women typically engage in more intimate, dyadic relationships, where a strong bond forms between two individuals, leading to higher expectations of support and understanding. As a result, conflicts often arise when there is a perceived imbalance in this friendship, particularly regarding emotional reciprocity. It is essential to recognize that the depth of these connections can result in vulnerability, leading to misunderstandings and potential frictions that may threaten the bond.
Three Affinities of Female Friendships
Three critical factors—symmetry, support, and secrecy—underpin deep female friendships. Symmetry relates to the shared feelings of equality and balance, which, when disrupted, can lead to tension within the friendship. Support encompasses the emotional backing women seek from each other, yet if these expectations are unmet, resentment may grow. Secrecy involves a mutual understanding of confidentiality; when trust is broken, it can cause doubt about the bond's strength, leading to further complications in the relationship.
Addressing Conflicts in Friendships
When conflicts arise in friendships, especially due to unmet expectations, it is crucial to address them openly rather than allowing feelings of disappointment to fester. Communication is vital; expressing feelings of hurt or misunderstanding can create opportunities for healing and reassurance. Friends should be approached with sensitivity, allowing for the possibility that the friend may not have intended to cause harm. This transparency can help in recalibrating expectations and restoring the intimacy essential for a strong friendship.
Navigating Friendship Breakups
Friendship breakups are common but can be challenging and emotional, often leading individuals to question their self-worth. Unlike romantic relationships, the end of a friendship can leave people grappling with unresolved feelings and thoughts about what went wrong. It is essential to view these endings as part of a natural process of personal growth, rather than as a reflection of failure. Acknowledging the impermanence of friendships can lead to healthier perspectives and open the door for new relationships to flourish.
The Impact of Life Transitions
Life transitions, such as marriage, motherhood, or career changes, can significantly affect female friendships, often causing strains that may lead to disconnections. These shifts may alter the dynamics of friendship as priorities change, making it necessary to adapt to new realities. Open discussions about these transitions are essential, allowing friends to express their feelings while still supporting each other. By fostering communication and understanding, friendships can evolve and remain meaningful despite the changes that come with various life stages.
Embracing New Friendships
Forming new friendships can be daunting but is vital for maintaining social support networks throughout life. To build these connections, women can emphasize common interests, encourage candid communication, and create comfortable spaces for interaction. This openness allows for the establishment of trust and reciprocity, key components of close friendships. Understanding that friendship development is a gradual process can relieve pressure, making it easier to cultivate meaningful relationships and embrace the excitement of new connections.
If you’ve ever felt like making friends as an adult feels impossible, or you’ve looked around and thought, "Where did all my friends go?" – you’re not alone.
In this episode, Danielle Bayard Jackson is sharing the real reasons why female friendship can feel so complicated, based on research and the advice you need to hear.
Danielle is one of the country’s leading experts on female friendship, the Director of the Women's Relational Health Institute, and the bestselling author of Fighting For Our Friendships.
She teaches women how to build and maintain better friendships using proven, science-backed methods, and today, she’s here to clear up the confusion, cut through the drama, and break down exactly what you need to know about female friendship.
Today, you’ll learn:
-Why adult friendships change so much—and what it really means
-Why it’s okay if you don’t have a BFF (and what to do about it)
-Why female friendships can get messy and how to handle it
-What do do when friendships fade
-The subtle ways you might be pushing people away without realizing it
-Simple, powerful steps to make new friends, rekindle old ones, navigate conflict, and strengthen your support system
No matter your age or stage of life, it’s not too late.
If you’ve ever felt lonely, disconnected, or like making new friends is impossible, this conversation will show you exactly what to do next.
For more resources, click here for the podcast episode page.
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