240 A Beginner’s Guide to ADHD, Part 4: Relationship Dynamics
Dec 5, 2023
24:53
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Adults with ADHD often struggle with relationships due to rejection sensitivity. They say yes to everyone, even when overwhelmed. They dismiss red flags and don't hold others accountable. This can lead to toxic dynamics. The host provides steps to create healthier relationships and suggests checking out previous episodes on rejection sensitivity and relationships for more in-depth insight.
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Quick takeaways
Adults with ADHD often become people pleasers, constantly saying yes and overcommitting to avoid rejection in relationships.
Individuals with ADHD tend to dismiss red flags in relationships, but it's crucial for them to hold others accountable and not ignore concerning behavior.
Deep dives
Relational dynamics and rejection sensitivity
Adults with ADHD are highly sensitive to rejection due to experiencing more rejection than their neurotypical peers. This sensitivity leads to a desire to please others and avoid further rejection. Many individuals with ADHD become people pleasers, saying yes when they want to say no, laughing at jokes they don't find funny, and pretending to like people they don't. This behavior sets them up for overextending themselves and living outside their capacity, often leading to chaotic relationships. It is important for individuals with ADHD to recognize this behavior and work on setting boundaries and saying no. They should also carefully choose the people they surround themselves with, seeking out healthy relationships with others who respect their boundaries and are receptive to feedback.
Dismissing red flags and toxic dynamics
Individuals with ADHD often dismiss red flags in relationships due to their own self-awareness of their own flaws. They may overlook or minimize concerning behavior from others, often dismissing it as unimportant. This can result in toxic dynamics and negative relational outcomes. It is crucial for individuals with ADHD to hold others accountable for their behavior and to not dismiss red flags. While forgiveness is important, it is equally important not to overlook or ignore concerning patterns in relationships. By focusing on healthy communication, setting boundaries, and being attentive to red flags, individuals with ADHD can foster healthier and less toxic relationships.
Struggling with boundaries and honesty
People with ADHD often struggle with boundaries, finding it difficult to recognize and assert their own limits. They may say yes when they want to say no, overextend themselves, and struggle with saying no to people who push their boundaries. Additionally, individuals with ADHD may engage in people-pleasing behavior, pretending to be okay or agreeing to things they don't want to do. This lack of boundaries and honesty can lead to internal and external conflict. It is important for individuals with ADHD to work on setting boundaries, being honest about their needs and limitations, and surrounding themselves with people who respect their boundaries and support their well-being.
Have you noticed that your relationships look different than other people? Friendships and partnerships are harder for adults with ADHD, largely due to the fact that we’re highly sensitive to rejection.
Research has shown that ADHDers have experienced more rejection than their neurotypical peers. This results in several relational tendencies that can lead to toxic dynamics.
Because they know how awful it feels for people to be upset with them, they constantly say yes to other people, even when their plate is already full. They spend time with people who don’t fill their cups. They exhaust themselves by overcommitting to avoid the feeling of rejection.
Adults with ADHD also tend to dismiss red flags and not hold others accountable for their flaws because they know they’re also hard to live with (they’re often late, they talk too much, they’re impatient, etc.).
These tendencies can result in some truly toxic, boundaryless relationships. But there are things you can do to change the dynamic and put yourself in the driver’s seat of your relationships.
In this episode, I’m giving an overview of relationship dynamics with ADHD. You’ll leave with several immediate steps you can take to create a healthier view of relationships.
And, if you want an in-depth look at how ADHD can impact your relationships, be sure to check out my four-part series (starting at episode 178) on relationships and ADHD or my series on rejection-sensitive dysphoria (beginning at episode 204).
If you’re feeling really inspired after listening today, I encourage you to join my group coaching program, FOCUSED. In 2024, I’ll be teaching brand new content on how to have self-trust even when you have ADHD. You don’t want to miss out!