Episode 17: Polyamory Fact Versus Fiction

Jan 13, 2021

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist and leading expert on polyamorous families with children, dives into the world of polyamory. She uncovers how common myths—like the notion that polyamorous relationships are purely about sex—distort understanding. Discussion points include the emotional development of children in poly families and how they actually thrive. Dr. Sheff also tackles the complexities of jealousy versus 'compersion' and the unique family dynamics that come into play, all while promoting a more nuanced view of consensual non-monogamy.

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ANECDOTE

Personal Journey to Polyamory Research

Elisabeth Sheff started studying polyamory because she fell in love with someone who wanted non-monogamy.
She joined polyamorous communities to understand their relationship dynamics and turned it into a long-term research study.

INSIGHT

Polyamory More Common Than Assumed

About 20% of Americans have experienced some form of consensual non-monogamy.
Around 5% identify as consensually non-monogamous long term, showing the practice is more common than often assumed.

INSIGHT

Debunking Polyamory Myths

Common myths about polyamory include it being male-dominated, sex-focused, and bad for kids.
Research shows women hold power, emotional intimacy is key, and children often thrive in polyamorous families.

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Interest in polyamory is on the rise. Google trends reveal that searches related to polyamory have increased significantly over the last decade. Although interest is climbing, myths and misconceptions about polyamory abound, including the idea that it’s all about sex and that people who are polyamorous “just can’t commit.” It’s time to set the record straight.

For this episode of the podcast, I interviewed Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist and certified sexuality educator who teaches at the University of Tennessee in Chattanooga. Dr. Sheff’s research focuses on gender and sexual minority families, consensual non-monogamy, as well as kink and BDSM—and she is the foremost academic expert on polyamorous families with children. In fact, her Polyamorous Family Study which spans more than 2 decades is the only longitudinal study of poly families with children to date. She has authored multiple books on the subject, including The Polyamorists Next Door and Children in Polyamorous Families.

We cover a lot of ground in this episode, including:

What does it mean to be “polyamorous?”
How many people are in polyamorous relationships or are practicing other forms of consensual non-monogamy?
What are the most common things that people get wrong about polyamory?
How do children fare in families where the parents are polyamorous? What are some of the unique advantages and challenges they might face?
Is it really true that jealousy doesn’t exist in polyamorous relationships?
What is “compersion,” and is it possible to experience both compersion and jealousy at the same time?
What is it like to be an expert witness on cases dealing with sexual and relationship diversity? (This is fascinating!!)
How do you know if polyamory or consensual non-monogamy is right for you?

To learn more about Elisabeth’s work, check out her website here. Also, be sure to check out her books, The Polyamorists Next Door and Children in Polyamorous Families, and visit The Bonding Project to take Elisabeth’s scientifically-backed test of relationship styles.

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Credits: LEGIT Audio (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos and book covers used with guest permission.