This episode is about making self-honoring choices that empower us. Today’s caller, Jade, wants to break the cycle of being in broken and toxic relationships. We work through helping her connect the dots of needing validation from her current relationships to being disempowered by her mother when she was a child and guidance on how she can break the cycle.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode332]
On-and-off-again relationships are a huge red flag. Some relationships need a break where both people can take time apart and work on themselves individually. When they come back together they decide to work through future conflicts together or that the relationship is not working and dissolve it. But, an on-again-off-again relationship demonstrates that the issues in the relationship are not being dealt with. It is a ping-ponging cycle of neither partner changing. If you are in an on-again-off-again cycle I invite you to turn it off for good.
If you are in a toxic or on-again-off-again relationship, think about the consistent feelings that come up, ride those feelings back in time, ask those feelings what they are reminding you of, and then deal with it.
When we think about connecting the dots of our current challenges to our past it is not always obvious. Often, when we have a “decent” upbringing we overlook the challenges because there isn’t a major trauma that sticks out. Not feeling good enough for a parent and constantly feeling like you need to do what they need you to do, or become some version of yourself they approve of, is a big hurt.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
- Do you have a pattern of being in on-again-off-again relationships?
- Did you grow up with a parent who was hard on you? Did you hear the phrase “I’m really disappointed in you” a lot?
- When you do try to end toxic relationships, do you feel so guilty and worried about upsetting the other person that you don’t break up or maintain your boundaries?
- Do you feel empowered in your life and specifically in relationships? Do you find yourself consumed by the fear of rejection?
Jade’s Question:
Jade feels anxiety about her pattern of entering toxic relationships. She wants to know how it connects to her past and guidance on how to heal her inner child.
Jade’s Key Insights and Ahas:
- She has been in a cycle of broken/toxic relationships.
- She tries to adjust herself to the other person.
- She feels anxious, ashamed, and angry with unpredictable people.
- Her mother made her feel not good enough and ashamed if she didn’t meet her mother’s standards.
- She is seeking validation and acceptance in a relationship.
- She didn’t have a chance to build a relationship with her mother until she was an adult.
- Her mother disempowered her by not allowing her to make her own decisions.
- She attracts people who make her feel that she is not enough.
- Her mother forced dancing on her and she wasn’t able to make her own decisions.
- She is afraid to lose love and validation.
- She takes on responsibilities that are not hers.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
- End her relationship without any guilt.
- Explain to her partner’s daughter why she is breaking up.
- Tell herself she is not responsible for making sure everyone else is okay.
- Hold off on dating for a while.
- Investigate healing her mother wound.
- Acknowledge herself for stepping into self-honoring choices and empowerment.
Takeaways:
- You are not responsible for how other people feel.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
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Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
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