#198: This is How Relationships End with Matthew Fray
Mar 21, 2022
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Matthew Fray, author and coach known for his book 'This Is How Your Marriage Ends,' shares his journey of self-discovery following his divorce. He delves into the factors that lead to relationship breakdowns, emphasizing how the gradual erosion of trust can be devastating. Matthew discusses the importance of validating partners and nurturing emotional skills to foster intimacy. He also highlights the role of relational education in parenting, advocating for a more compassionate approach to building healthier relationships.
The erosion of trust in relationships often stems from minor, overlooked moments rather than significant betrayals, making awareness essential.
Validating a partner's feelings is crucial, as dismissive responses can foster emotional pain and escalate trust issues in relationships.
Self-reflection and accountability are vital for personal growth, enabling individuals to become more reliable partners by learning from past mistakes.
Deep dives
Understanding Trust Erosion in Relationships
The podcast discusses how the erosion of trust is a primary factor that leads to the end of relationships. Trust is presented as a more crucial element than love in maintaining healthy connections, where the erosion often occurs through small, overlooked moments rather than overt betrayals such as infidelity. These minor 'paper cut' experiences accumulate and create a sense of emotional distance. Recognizing this deterioration is vital, as many do not realize their partner's trust is waning until it is too late.
The Impact of Invalidating Responses
A key idea explored is the frequent invalidation of partners' feelings, especially in heterosexual relationships, where men often respond dismissively to women's emotional concerns. This standard dynamic fosters a cycle of disdain where men unknowingly contribute to their partner's emotional pain, reinforcing feelings of neglect. The podcast emphasizes that this pattern can significantly damage trust, highlighting the necessity for greater empathy and validation in communications. Cultivating an environment where partners feel heard and understood can prevent long-term relationship conflicts.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
The discussion highlights the significance of self-reflection in understanding the dynamics of one’s relationships, particularly after experiencing emotional turmoil. The host and guest share personal experiences illustrating the journey of recognizing one’s own mistakes and misjudgments that contributed to relationship breakdowns. They stress that self-awareness is essential for adapting and growing into a more reliable partner. By holding oneself accountable and seeking to learn from past mistakes, individuals can improve their relational skills.
Navigating Change in Relationships
The episode discusses how relationships evolve and the necessity of adapting to these changes to maintain intimacy and connection. People grow and their needs change over time, which can lead to incompatibilities if not addressed. Embracing this change rather than resisting it allows partners to view each other as evolving individuals rather than static roles. This perspective fosters curiosity and engagement, which can enhance emotional closeness and prevent feelings of boredom or complacency.
Education and Empowerment in Relational Skills
Lastly, the podcast advocates for the education of both men and women in effective relational skills to empower healthier relationships. By teaching awareness around validation, consideration, and healthy boundaries from a young age, individuals can avoid common pitfalls that lead to emotional disconnect. The importance of equipping future generations with these tools is emphasized as a way to create a society where healthier relationships can flourish. This foundational shift could mitigate the cycle of emotional neglect and foster stronger partnerships throughout life.
Themes: Marriage, Relationships, Commitment, Divorce, Trust, Intimacy
Summary:
One night during his divorce, Matthew Fray started a blog. He needed to figure out how his ex-wife went from the 18 year old college freshman who adored him to the angry woman who thought he was a jerk and left him. As he pieced together the story of his marriage and its end, Matthew began to realize a hard truth: even though he was a decent guy, he was a bad husband.
As he shared raw, uncomfortable, and darkly humorous first-person stories about the lessons he’d learned from his failed marriage, his post – “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink” — was read over four million times. Now, his book, This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships, is set to release this month.
Filtered through the lens of his own surprising, life-changing experience and his years counselling couples, the book exposes the root problem of so many relationships that go wrong to help partners identify and address relationship-killing behaviour patterns in their own lives. I am so excited to have Matt on today to dive into it all!
Discover:
Why most relationships or marriages come to an end (even if we’re still in love)
The subtle ways we erode trust in our relationships
Two foundational habits you can focus on to build more trust and intimacy within your relationship
What it means to validate your partner
Links:
This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray
Matt's Blog - Must Be This Tall to Ride
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