How Not To Suck At Divorce 180. The Most Powerful Divorce Negotiation Tool You’re Not Using
Why strategy, not emotion, wins negotiations.
Emotions don’t win in divorce court — facts and strategy do. In this episode of How Not to Suck at Divorce, divorce attorney Morgan Stogsdill and comedian-turned-divorce-advocate Andrea Rappaport walk you through how to negotiate your divorce like a pro using their THINK framework:
- T – Take the emotion out of it
- H – Have realistic non-negotiables
- I – Identify their pain points
- N – Negotiate from facts, not feelings
- K – Keep your BATNA in mind (your best backup plan)
If the idea of mediation, settlement conferences, or sitting across from your ex makes you want to hide in a hole, this episode is your game plan. You’ll learn how to work with your lawyer instead of against them, what’s actually realistic to ask for, how to use what you know about your ex as legal leverage, and why clinging to your emotions can cost you big money, time, and sanity.
Whether you’re just starting your divorce, heading into mediation, or trying to wrap up a long, exhausting case, this episode will help you stay out of court if possible, save money, and make smarter decisions for you and your kids.
In This Episode, We Cover:
- Why “facts win” in divorce
- How emotions spiral, stories get twisted, and why judges and mediators care about documents, numbers, and timelines — not drama.
- T = Take the emotion out of it
- Andrea’s “Ziploc bag and freeze your feelings like a 2018 pot roast” strategy
- How to notice when you’re triggered in mediation (hello, Brenda and Chad)
- What to say to your lawyer when you’re about to lose it — and when to zip it and let them speak for you
- H = Have realistic non-negotiables
- The difference between must-haves and nice-to-haves
- Why “I want 100% custody” usually isn’t realistic
- How to decide which holidays, financial terms, or parenting provisions are truly non-negotiable
- Morgan’s example of a client who refused to accept any end date on maintenance — and why that was realistic in her case
- I = Identify their pain points
- How to “play detective” and figure out what your ex really cares about (ego, money, reputation, time with kids, a specific property, etc.)
- Morgan’s story of using a husband’s obsession with a particular property to get her client more money on the balance sheet
- Why negotiation is less about what you want and more about what motivates them
- N = Negotiate from facts, not feelings
- Why you should write your facts in clear bullet points, not emotional paragraphs
- How “friend of the family” promises and verbal side deals (hi, John 🙃) don’t count in court
- The power of real numbers and real documents: appraisals, bank statements, incomes, and written offers
- K = Keep your BATNA in mind
- What BATNA actually means in divorce: Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement
- How to think about your “backup plan” if mediation doesn’t work — i.e., what a judge is likely to do with your facts
- Why knowing your BATNA calms panic, helps you avoid low-ball offers, and keeps you from spending more on legal fees than you stand to gain
- When it’s actually smarter to stop fighting, accept a good-enough deal, and go home
- What to really expect from mediation
- Why the first day of mediation often feels “wasted” and why it’s actually valuable intel
- How good lawyers use mediation to study your ex, learn their triggers, and refine strategy
- Why mediation that “fails” still teaches your lawyer how to help you at the next stage
- How to use your lawyer the right way
- What to ask your attorney when you’re overwhelmed: “If this were your life, what would you do?”
- How to talk honestly about risk, cost, and realistic outcomes
- Why you should stop trying to be the lawyer and let your lawyer do their actual job
Emotions are valid, but they don’t belong at the negotiation table.
Work with your lawyer to define realistic non-negotiables based on the law, not just your fear or anger.
Use what you know about your ex’s insecurities and priorities as strategic leverage.
Facts, numbers, and written offers win in divorce — not stories, verbal promises, or assumptions.
Always know your BATNA (what likely happens in court) so you’re not negotiating from panic.
Mediation rarely feels “pretty,” but it’s almost always cheaper, faster, and less emotionally damaging than court.
You are not supposed to already know how to do this — that’s why you have a lawyer and your divorce besties, Andrea & Morgan.
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