I Was Afraid of Losing Myself to Motherhood. I Found Myself Instead.

Jun 4, 2024

Elissa Strauss, author of 'When You Care,' discusses the transformative nature of caregiving in motherhood. They explore the uncoolness of admitting to liking motherhood, the economics of care, and the societal value of caregiving. The conversation touches on finding personal identity through caregiving, challenges in balancing roles, and the importance of self-care amidst parenting duties.

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INSIGHT

Motherhood as a Threat

Elissa Strauss initially viewed motherhood as a potential threat to her identity.
She worried that embracing motherhood would diminish her individuality and career.

ANECDOTE

Skepticism of Motherhood Trends

As a freelance writer, Elissa was skeptical of what she perceived as the motherhood industrial complex.
She criticized practices like natural childbirth and hiring doulas, seeing them as unnecessarily inflated.

ANECDOTE

Restaurant Refuge

Elissa found solace in a quiet Brooklyn restaurant where she could connect with her pre-motherhood self.
She contrasted this with a new moms' group, feeling smug about not losing herself to motherhood like she perceived they had.

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Elissa Strauss always knew she wanted to be a mother, but she also knew she didn’t want motherhood to take over her personality. After all, she had spent years as a blogger making fun of anyone who took motherhood too seriously. She bemoaned the natural birth movement and people who made “mom friends.”

Then Elissa had a son, and her view of caretaking started to shift. “I had put so much energy into figuring out how not to lose myself to caregiving,” Elissa writes in her new book, “that I completely ignored the possibility that I might, in fact, find some of myself there.” In this episode, Anna and Elissa talk about why it feels uncool to talk about liking motherhood, the ways caretaking can take from us, but also how it can fill us up and engender “moral transformation.” Plus, the economics of care, and what really valuing care in society would look like.

Elissa’s book is called When You Care: the Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others. She also wrote a piece last month in Slate called “It’s Weird Times to Be a Happy Mother.”

Are you a paid caregiver? We want to hear from you for a future listener episode. Tell us some things you’ve taken away from the experience – wild stories, observations about class, lessons about the way you want your own loved ones to be cared for. Send us your thoughts and stories at deathsexmoney@slate.com.

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