The One Day At A Time Recovery Podcast Kate Bailey - Co-Author of Love Yourself Sober
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YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/1trx31ywwSY
Guest Links:
http://www.LoveSober.com
Book recommendation: The Sober Revolution: Calling Time on Wine O'Clock
by Lucy Rocca and Sarah Turner
Favorite Quote: I haven’t come this far to only come this far.
What I wish I knew: How important connection is.
Title: OC151 Kate Bailey - Love Yourself Sober: A Self Care Guide to Alcohol-Free Living for Busy Mothers
Social Media Post: So. Much. Fun! Kate and I talked about all kinds of things. Being highly sensitive, early intervention, and the science of happiness.
Click here to listen: https://bit.ly/3mPxYXS
Show Notes:
Transcribed Episode of Love Yourself Sober - Episode 151 with Kate Bailey & Arlina Allen
Arlina Allen 0:08
I'm super excited to talk to you. I, I know Mandy Mathers. She actually had me on your podcast, as you know. She and I were in the same coaching class. So that was super fun. That's how we met and I'm so excited to get to meet you and talk to you about your book.
Kate Bailey 0:27
Yeah, cuz It's not long been out in the States. I think it was just about a month.
Arlina Allen 0:34
Yeah, that is so exciting. Listen, I have so many questions for you about the book. It's called "Love yourself sober, A self care guide to alcohol free living for busy mothers". And, you know, busy moms. Super cute cover
Unknown Speaker 0:59
who designed the cover?
Unknown Speaker 1:01
You know, I don't know someone in the publishing house. But I love it. It's Yeah, it's great
Unknown Speaker 1:08
Yeah. I'm matching
Unknown Speaker 1:13
If you're not watching this on YouTube. Yes. Mandy is matching her book. Right. So cute. Was that deliberate?
Kate Bailey 1:20
It's Kate. Do you know as we keep doing this, It's like we've become the same person. And if sometimes we're talking to someone both of us on the pod. And someone will say how are you to me? I'll just go on. We're fine.
Unknown Speaker 1:40
Oh no, I'm so sorry! We we need to ship your names like you know, like "Brangelina". Like Manate. Wait no, that doesn't sound right. hahaha.
Unknown Speaker 2:12
Oh my gosh. Okay. Yes. So this is such an important book. Because, you know, it's so funny. Not funny, but peculiar is that people when they are struggling with recovery, they hate themselves, right? And it's like, you can't hate yourself well. It's like trying to run a marathon with a broken leg. And so the reason your book is so brilliant, love yourself sober. It's like, that's how it has to be done. You know? And I don't know about you. Like, when I first got sober, I would go to these rooms. And people would say things like, oh, we're gonna love you until you can love yourself. And I was like, wow, somebody's got to because that ain't me.
Unknown Speaker 2:50
It's so true, isn't it? And it was definitely that piece. It was the sort of the self care the self love. It definitely started almost outside in for me that journey. Yeah. Because I didn't have the internal resources. So when I discovered self care, and so retreats, and filling my toolkit, that's when I started to build my capacity. So it's definitely an outside in journey and that and that's what changed my recovery and my sobriety for me. 100%. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 3:26
Right! You know, there's I have just found that there's just a million ways to do it. And I i bristle at people who are like, oh, all you have to do is this. And that's all you have to do.
Unknown Speaker 3:41
So I like to start with a fun little game. I'm calling the lightning round. And I'll just ask you a few questions. And it doesn't have to be fast answers you can answer as quickly or as slowly. But your book is obviously going to be an amazing resource. But when you first got sober, what books were really helpful to you? Hmm.
Unknown Speaker 4:06
Well, I got sober with sober sisters, which is an online forum, which launched about eight years ago. So before that, there was nothing that I could access that that appealed to me at all. And so Lucy Rocco, who founded sober Easter's wrote a book called The sober revolution. And it was the first book that I'd ever read that referred to the kind of relationship with our culture rather than it like you said being a prescribed way or received messages and when we've moved on, on a long way in the in the UK in the conversation, and this really she likened it to a disc, you know, a bad boyfriend, a destructive relationship. And that was hugely that just spoke to me. I was like, Oh, yeah, that's that's me. And the other one I really liked at the time was Jason vales. How to quit. Drinking, how to kick drinking easily. I think it was calling bs on the kind of social piece and the brainwashing around it. That was super helpful to me. It was unpicking all the messaging really helped me.
Unknown Speaker 5:14
Yeah, that's great. I was talking to Claire Pooley. and she said the same thing. She's she also mentioned Jason vales book and I was like, so did you stop drinking easily after that?
Unknown Speaker 5:23
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, I read those ice quit for a year. straight off. Once I found so baristas and read those two books. I was like, that's it. And I did go back after a year, which is another part of the story, which then where the self care piece came in and all the other stuff. So that Yeah, okay. Yes, definitely part of toolkit. Yeah, I
Unknown Speaker 5:51
have lots of questions about relapse stuff. I mean, I feel like everybody who's tried to quit has struggled with the stopping part, obviously. So, we'll talk a little bit about that. Do you have a go to mantra or quote that you find yourself coming back to?
Unknown Speaker 6:08
I do. I love one, the one that really got me out of some hot water, and I find myself repeating it a quite a lot. Not so much to myself. But when, with with clients may be who are struggling and we tell when we are generating mantras. And it was, I haven't come this far to only come this far. Because I was like, Yeah, right. Yeah. in all senses. Yeah. Like, what's the what's the next bit look like? What is the next bit gonna look like? Oh, shoot. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 6:42
like come this far to only come this far?
Unknown Speaker 6:45
Yeah. That's fighting talk.
Unknown Speaker 6:50
Words. That's awesome. Okay, and do you have a regular self care routine? Like, do you have like a morning routine? Or do you think of it more in terms of like, a weekly, or weekly schedule?
Unknown Speaker 7:03
Do you know what this is a really good question. And it's something that has really evolved for me. And one of the reasons why I realized I have a really elaborate self care practice, on one of the reasons is because of my dysregulation, because of what I believe is now neuro some neuro diversity. So some sensory processing anxiety, I identify as a highly sensitive person. So I need a lot of external resourcing in terms of routine boundaries, not taking on too much. checking my diary and then taking a third off, do your calendar and then take a take that off that is my that is my aim. I don't always manage it. But that is my intention, because I always overestimate what I can do and then get stressed out. I know if I take a third off, I'm getting in the right area. Yet, so I do a lot of yoga. I love yoga, but we've been in lockdown in the UK. So I'm doing online yoga classes, but usually go to a yoga studio, where I also work. I'm not a yoga teacher, but I help out that's my contribution to the community. What else? And I mean, just I know what what is also my routine is Netflix.
Unknown Speaker 8:34
Is that your downtime?
Unknown Speaker 8:36
That honestly it is literally like if I watch an episode of whatever it is I'm into, because you know, I get quite I get a bit annoyed and a bit bored when everything has to be Like who? Because I do love yoga. Right? And I do you meditate. But I don't I hate it when things get too wordy, because as modern busy women, we still need quick fixes and modern things like so if I'm rewatching Don't tell anyone I'm rewatching Downton Abbey at the moment. I just finished down to a sec. Oh, I love it. Oh my gosh. So
Unknown Speaker 9:14
good.
Unknown Speaker 9:17
luck if I watch an episode of Downton Abbey, I literally switch off. I'm not I'm not thinking about me. I'm not thinking about the kids. You know, it really is. So So yeah. So better Netflix. What else?
Unknown Speaker 9:31
Have you been to Downton? Abbey?
Unknown Speaker 9:33
No, it's a bit. It's up north. It's up north. In the UK.
Unknown Speaker 9:38
It's South here as well.
Unknown Speaker 9:41
No in terms of what you're used to. It's like probably only about four hours drive. But for us it's like, like, possibly it's like a different universe. But I will do I really want to so when things open up again in the UK. I have to exist. beautifies Yes.
Unknown Speaker 10:00
Please do take pictures for me. Yeah. Check it out early. No, I made it. I'm okay. Yes. So the self care It sounds like you have lots of self care in terms of are you Where are you with the higher power situation?
Unknown Speaker 10:16
Well, AI is complicated.
Unknown Speaker 10:20
How How long have you got like your face?
Unknown Speaker 10:25
So I had a religious trauma as a child. Okay, God, we got loads in common right without you
Unknown Speaker 10:35
have you know, religious, you know, first chicken? Have you heard of the term super churched?
Unknown Speaker 10:41
No.
Unknown Speaker 10:44
Seek church.
Unknown Speaker 10:45
I was super churched. I interviewed this lady who was the pastor's daughter, girl, those poor girls, they go one of two ways, either either super good, or they're like me. Yeah. And so anyway, it sounds like you were super churched to some extent. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 11:03
Yeah. I know, interestingly, but it was my parents weren't but there was that's a whole other story. But my aunt was a born again, Christian. And I got really into into that for various various reasons. Sure, but it became really dark for me. So I managed to sort of remove myself from all of that through education. And when I did my a levels, so went to college, and started studying philosophy and comparative religion. I was able to unpick it I unpicked it intellectually, but there was still a lot of that fear. And that, yeah, that that trauma, so I couldn't go anywhere near so I, you know, you know, we tried to go to traditional AIA stuff, like the first time I think when I was about 27. And I understand now that that was very, that was like, re traumatizing me. Yeah. So there was nothing This is why I mentioned sober Easter's because it was like, what's the first thing I could that I could access? Right? Because like, they were not safe space to me, but I had no idea. I had no idea that that's what was going on until fairly recently, actually, when I started looking at what trauma is. So I'm not great with but having said that, I my mic. So we had to lovely when we as a friend of ours, a dear SOPA sister called Rachel Welford, who's who right who has he she does meditation and stuff and Gong laughs and she said she caught me spiritually slutty because I basically love anything to do with ritual religions. But in a kind of I'm very interested and I like to play with them. So it's so it's a funny one it's a yes or no, it's like I'm not I'm not in I suppose a traditional higher power person, but I just think we're connected to something the universe and something much, much greater just because for the size of it. It's like something bigger, bigger, so I don't feel complicated about it. Yes, it's on my terms. That's That's for me.
Unknown Speaker 13:20
Well, I mean, it means needs to make sense, right? Yeah. Like that was always the thing for me is like it needs to make sense. Yes, there's a lot of things in an organized religion that don't really make sense. Have you ever heard of Carolyn Miss? She was on Oprah. Do you ever watch those super soul Sunday episodes?
Unknown Speaker 13:41
No,you know what happened? We’re really busy watching Downton Abbey. Or and the walking dead?
Unknown Speaker 13:52
Oh, yeah. Did you get into Game of Thrones?
Unknown Speaker 13:54
Oh my god, I love it. Literally I didn't know what I was gonna do when Game of Thrones ended because I loved it too much.
Unknown Speaker 14:02
Yeah, I always there are some books and some and some movies and TV series that when they end I'm just devastated.
Unknown Speaker 14:13
Yes.
Unknown Speaker 14:14
not totally religiously slutty but that is hilarious. But I was going to tell you about Oprah and the conversation she had with Carolyn Miss because Carolyn Miss gave one of the best exam or explanations that really resonated with me. She said that God is law. Meaning like gravity law of attraction cause and effect. I'm a little nerdy with like quantum physics, like the theory of entanglement. And there are some actually there's some great Netflix series on entanglement. If you're ever interested. I think you know what that Yeah. And it's it's framed under the title of something about quantum physics, which sounds super nerdy but it It explains a lot of things very practical things like have you ever, like thought about something that somebody random or is and then they call you or you get an email or something? And you're like, Whoa, I was just thinking about you. Yeah, that kind of explains it through the theory, I think, yeah, you'll like it.
Yeah, I could tell you're a science girl, because we're going to talk about the autonomic system and some other things. neuroscience, love me some science because it's like, you don't have to have faith. We have evidence.
Unknown Speaker 15:28
Right. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, we do. And that experience. Yeah, it's a funny subject. I mean, I just, I think experientially I, even though it was difficult for me as a teenager, I used so what I used to do is go to my room, and I used to pray and so meditate for two hours on my own. And I used to get so high. I always said that when I, I, you know, experimented with drugs, like this late teens and early 20s. And I was bit like, I'm not really gonna bother with them, because I just used to get they didn't get me as high as meditation used to. And I'm prayer, um, you know, to heighten a battle, but I mean, that's the kind of saving grace right, I suppose. I mean, I definitely took to alcohol. That was my drug of choice. I was your drug of choice. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 16:30
We'll have to we'll have to get into that. I think I only have a couple more things. What's one thing you wish you knew when you first got sober? Like, is there anything that sticks out is like Gosh, would have been nice to know.
Unknown Speaker 16:47
Yeah, I wish I'd known all the kind of the holistic this the self care toolkit,
Unknown Speaker 16:53
or sick self care. That's good. Yeah, money, but body, mind and spirit, right? We need to take care of all of them. And then what do you do for fun? We talked about chickens a little earlier. We had chickens. I love
Unknown Speaker 17:06
my chickens so much, because we've just got to say you have chickens, but you haven't got
Unknown Speaker 17:13
them with you. You don't have them anymore. Yeah, we moved. I couldn't bring them but they're beautiful. What can I so talk about what kinds do you have? Because there's so many varieties most people don't know.
Unknown Speaker 17:25
Yeah. So I have a Dutch barn founder. Who is we've called for lion and Galena.
Unknown Speaker 17:36
We have
Unknown Speaker 17:36
here No, this is down to my daughter's buff Orpington. They've got to buff orpingtons. They've got the big fluffy bottoms and fluffy legs. They're hilarious. They're hilarious,
Unknown Speaker 17:47
especially when I run.
Unknown Speaker 17:48
Yeah. But like they've got like, they're like they're on wheels or something. That's amazing. So my daughter's one is blonde. And she's called Lady ieder. And you know that lady down snap a
Unknown Speaker 18:02
man. That girl was never gonna get her day.
Unknown Speaker 18:08
So true. I can't remember that. Because I've watched it before. And I watched it when I was sober. And it's getting to that interesting part with her wish. Where that that end is gone. Yes. And I and I genuinely can't remember what happens to us.
Unknown Speaker 18:26
Before
Unknown Speaker 18:27
I was spoiler free, I know that's, that's the benefit of getting a little older as you forget.
Unknown Speaker 18:33
Oh, that's right. That's amazing.
Unknown Speaker 18:35
surprised and happy all over again. Oh, no, I had a Polish chicken that had one of those big fluffy hats. Yeah, they called her Lady Gaga. Amazing.
Unknown Speaker 18:49
So yeah, like,
Unknown Speaker 18:50
well, that is a lot of fun. The chickens are fun. It sounds like your kids like them, too. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 18:55
So we do that. And I also when things are open, I do musical theater. So I do sing. That's how I met my husband. We were in a band together, years and years ago. And now I don't because that was all very like, I thought I was really cool. And we had this band and we've gigs and we all like proper musicians. And then I discovered the love of absolutely ridiculous frivolous musical theater. And I've got a local group that I do. So.
Unknown Speaker 19:26
Oh my gosh, do you have anything recorded? Because if you do, you must send me some links.
Unknown Speaker 19:31
Do I don't think we do. So I love it.
Unknown Speaker 19:34
Yeah, my son in high school
Unknown Speaker 19:37
was obsessed with the
Unknown Speaker 19:39
he's it like the stage he did like sound and stage prop he like he built things and oh my gosh, it was such a fun world to be in.
Unknown Speaker 19:48
I had no idea right? And it's lovely doing the amateur stuff because as somebody told me and I love this because amateur gets this. Like you know, I don't know what it's like in this But if you say, oh, you're just an amateur, it's all
Unknown Speaker 20:03
No pressure.
Unknown Speaker 20:04
Yeah, you want exactly the love of the amateur. But you know, it's almost like code for a bit shit. Right? Which suddenly, yeah, maybe maybe. But somebody said, one of our directors said, It amateur comes from the French for for the love of, because it comes from the word or more, which is we do it for the love of,
Unknown Speaker 20:29
for the love of her. That's Brian, I love that. Got to have some fun. All right, that I and I think you've probably experienced that too is when people first gets over there, like bored out of their minds. You know, their whole dopamine reward system is is skewed,
Unknown Speaker 20:46
shall we say? Yeah, yeah. And that's why you need that. Yeah, you need the holistic thing. You need the happy hitch, you need the sober treats, you need the silly things. You told
Unknown Speaker 20:56
me sources, right, lots of resources. Well, I want to talk about resources and the book, obviously. But um, maybe we could talk a little bit about your story. Do you want to just take a few minutes to walk us through the things that people that are they tell me that they love to hear? As you know, it sounds like you started drinking and doing drugs? kanyang. And, but what people really want to know is like, what made you finally decide to quit? You know, I have a I have some coaching clients that are like the spouse of the alcoholic, and, you know, they just need a little hope that it's possible that maybe their spouse is gonna quit. So yeah, anyway, but you want to just start with like, I'm always curious about like, family of origin as well.
Unknown Speaker 21:46
Hmm. Well, again, I think I've pieced a lot of this together over the last few years in terms of self study and recovery, and knowing Mandy and talking to her most days, and she is a great mental health advocate. So I've learned a lot about my own mental health journey as part of this, which I wasn't really aware of. Okay, so I was very anxious. I had, you know, various aces growing up. And my father, I'd say, identified as traditionally what I what I always identified an alcoholic, as Okay, I'm sort of, you know, yeah, pretty much wheels off the wagon kind of kind of stuff.
Unknown Speaker 22:35
Was he violent, or just absent or just absent?
Unknown Speaker 22:38
Yeah, just stops him. And I feel sorry for him now, because he was a sailor. And in those days, you didn't get any leave to see your family, you're away on the boats on ships for months on end. And they partly they used to get paid in tops of rum. They literally were enabling a whole, these poor young men who were away from their families in really cramped conditions, giving them alcohol, so and no mental health support, and no awareness of neurodiversity. At that point, any kind of autistic spectrum ADHD, highly sensitive, nothing. So, you know, it's, it's, I'm understanding that through a more compassionate lens, I think, you know. So yeah, I didn't really know him. And then I saw, I was very anxious. And like I said, I sort of took to the kind of religion as my first drug of choice, I would say, to try and self soothe in a very anxious mind. And then again, later on, I've sort of identified as highly sensitive. And through parenting, my son, who is now we realize has ADHD and is on the tourism spectrum. Obviously, that allowed a mirror into me and in my family and that sort of genetic piece, and realized that this runs through generation. And so there was, I really feel like that's a massive piece, like we said, in the kind of in the recovery conversation and alcohol use disorder, addictive behaviors, pieces, is that neuro diversity, I'm sure talk about that bit later. But for me, I don't know if you heard that the kind of phrase the sort of gray area drinking.
Unknown Speaker 24:29
Oh, yeah,
Unknown Speaker 24:30
yeah. Okay. So, I mean, that very much like me, in that. It looked pretty normal on the surface. Nothing, there were no particular issues. My husband was worried. No, none of my friends my friends just thought I was paranoid. Just thought I was absolutely batshit crazy that I was even worrying about it because everyone was getting pissed at the weekends. So there was this kind of normative drinking culture in Britain, where, if you are in that, that sort of on the alcohol use disorder spectrum slap earlier on and hazardous and harmful but not dependent, which is where I was
Unknown Speaker 25:15
harmful or harmful, but not dependent.
Unknown Speaker 25:17
Yeah. harmful and hazardous, but not dependent. So earlier on in the on the alcohol use disorder spectrum, right? Yeah, what you basically get mirrored back with, when you Eve, if you go to your doctor, or if you go to a counselor, or if you go to your friends, people will generally tell you, you haven't got problem because you're doing what's normative, right? They don't know, or maybe you don't know, underneath that. It feels like a crisis. It feels devastating to you, it feels hard work, like you're thinking you're planning and trying not to do it. You're regretting waking up at three in the morning with anxiety, but maybe only drinking twice a week. So that that was kind of where I was, it was like this awful, toxic relationship with it. And yeah, the bad boyfriend, but nothing that anyone outside could particularly put their finger on. But I had this just feeling of landslide. You know, I was like, what I'm also getting married to me is so the normative drinking culture or the alternative, which is like AA, or some of the traditional recovery, which tells telling me I have to reach a rock bottom telling me I'm I'm powerless. And I'm like, Well, no, that doesn't fit either. But if there is no early intervention, if there was no entry points to recovery earlier, then I might end up down there. But why don't want to wait for that. I don't want to wait. So there's a lot of fear, there was a lot of confusion. And there was a lot of what looked like normal and there was a lot of beating myself up. And I'd say that was going on from my late 20s through my early 30s through to my mid 30s. And I sort of managed my mental health by a mixture kind of hot yoga, I was always working out. I had enough I had enough resources that alcohol was one of them. And when I became a mom, we moved to a new town. And I moved away from all my friends. My husband was working in London as a journalist, I'd stopped working in London as a journalist. So I was literally at home stuck on my own, not knowing anyone. bored, lonely, tired, angry, I wasn't hungry. I had all the other frickin triggers. And it literally was like now I understand that that's why our call I think dance center stage at that point, because there was there were no other resources for me. I couldn't get to meetings because I didn't have the childcare like there is no support in the UK for you. Unless you are totally up shake Creek. Right. Wow. So it's changed a lot. But I think that's why the rise of the cyber forums in the UK has gone stratospheric there are so many it's because necessity is so often the mother of invention. And it's like and it's no and it's also no mistake, I don't think or no coincidence that many of them are women LED. It's like women are really leading the kind of new alternative patchworks to recovery. Right. Right. So, so that was it. So I found so barristers you know, I tried to stop every week. I was like, I'm never drinking again. Every Sunday morning. I was like,
Unknown Speaker 28:44
are you just waking up with headaches? And yeah, like hung over and feeling bad about like, maybe not paying attention to the kids and that kind of thing?
Unknown Speaker 28:53
Yeah, exactly. So it was very much that Yeah, and very Yeah, just feeling really guilty. About Yeah, just all of it. I always say that there was before that there was this kind of dichotomy between there was this healthy Kate you know, healthy Kate who wanted to go for our goals and kind of really wanted to? I've always, you know, wanted that kind of health happiness high quite high. vibing Yeah. And then there was this kind of you know, that this kind of destructive thing with the Hedden ism the coping with the anxiety with drinking and then not being able to control that. And then so that there was this there were these two bits to me and I would go between the two. And I think what motherhood did was just open that chasm even more It was like, none of this is fitting with my values about how I want to be and how I like what if they need to go to hospital and my house spends at work. And I've had a couple of glasses of wine in the evening. I can't, I can't, but I didn't know how to chill out. I didn't know how to relax. I didn't know our back. And also we've got mummy wine culture in there, which is massive. Saying, of course, you need mommy juice, you know, seven o'clock. So it was very confusing. It was so confusing. So when I found so Brister, I was like someone's prep throw me a lifeline. That's it. I'm in and I was ready, willing and able, not feeling like I was able 100% but I was going to give it my darndest, you know? So
Unknown Speaker 30:40
that was the beginning. The beginning. How old were you when you started drinking?
Unknown Speaker 30:46
16 I think Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 30:47
just like a typical like, let's try this out kind of stuff.
Unknown Speaker 30:51
Yeah, cuz I was such a good girl. You know, I stopped and start smoking. And I did drain. I was so like, didn't do it until it was what actually it's 18 in the UK for alcohol, but you know, everyone does. When everyone's drinking. Everyone did when they were Yeah, yeah. Especially for my generation when you could fake all your ID and just no one asked.
Unknown Speaker 31:17
Nobody care. No, that's funny. Um, okay, so you get sober. And you go through the sober. He says, did you experience and you're married at this time, right?
Unknown Speaker 31:29
Yeah. So we got married. I've been with my husband like 25 years now.
Unknown Speaker 31:34
I think. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. My husband and I, you must have been he young when you met him?
Unknown Speaker 31:41
We were in our 20s. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 31:43
Okay. I'm not gonna ask you how old you are. But my husband and I got together in our met when he was 24. And he seems like, like, my son is almost 20 mine. And I was like, Oh my God, he's a baby. So I can't believe we were so young. We got together can't believe that. Oh, yeah. My
Unknown Speaker 31:59
husband is 23 when I met him.
Unknown Speaker 32:02
Wow, we do a lot of parallels. That's so funny. So okay, so you get sober was he? How did he feel about you getting sober? Was he like, oh, what about hot sex? Like, is that guy?
Unknown Speaker 32:16
He was definitely that. And there was, but there was this, he was so bored of me saying this. He was just like, stop moaning. So what I decided to do is I decided not to tell him for about a month. I just did it. Because I wanted to say to him, I have this is serious this time, I haven't been doing it. And this is what it what I'm up to. Rather than say, I need your help to do this. I just was like, by the way I'm doing this. And, and I said I did tell him after about three weeks, I think because I was on my phone or my tablet all the time. So baristas. And I thought he might think I was having an affair. So I better tell him. Because I think because I was never on it before I like going back like nearly 10 years like social media wasn't what it is. Right? Now. Anyway, me. Yeah, you.
Unknown Speaker 33:19
Did he ask you or did you just share it? No, I
Unknown Speaker 33:22
just caught him looking at me kind of and I was like, Look, just by the way, this is what I'm doing. And I'm on this forum. It felt very risky, though. It really did. Like, I think one of the hardest things for that portion of drinkers, I'd say that, you know, one of the hard things is that there's a lot of fear for you and of the relationship changing. The fun going and the what are we going to do and we have to kind of re reinvent things, you know, yeah,
Unknown Speaker 33:57
you have to readjust a little bit,
Unknown Speaker 33:58
too, don't you?
Unknown Speaker 34:00
Yeah. And then my husband's over. But it's, I mean, that's the one thing I hear a lot it's like well what do you do if your husband still drinks You know, that's the main people like everybody has to adjust. So you're just thought it was okay.
Unknown Speaker 34:16
Yeah. And I think well i think what you realize as you go down the line is that that is symptomatic of how important alcohol has become in your own heads and your own life. Because once it isn't, it's like well we do loads of different things we go walking we walk the dog we go out for dinner we go on holiday we tour I mean we do we do loads of stuff. We don't do anything at the mangas we're in lockdown, but that's a whole lot and try and find space all of us just going to a different corners of basketball right now. I'm just going but yeah, but that is that's the fear and I think that really goes with time because you realize As alcohol diminishes, it's great. And it becomes less and less important. It's like, well, I can't even remember doing drinking with him now, which is
Unknown Speaker 35:09
bad. So he doesn't he doesn't drink that much.
Unknown Speaker 35:11
He know he drinks a bit. But yeah,
Unknown Speaker 35:14
it doesn't matter. You
Unknown Speaker 35:16
know, I didn't, I never did care, to be honest. Because I just, I was always like, this is mine, I don't want anyone else to be part of it. Because if they are, they will knock me off, I got it, it's mine, I'm gonna be in control of it. And like audit my little sober flame that I was just gonna go like that to protect it, yeah, protects it, and it's mine. Otherwise, if someone else gets to near it, they can blow it out. And I'm not gonna let them
Unknown Speaker 35:41
you know, right, right. You know, that's not taking full responsibility of your recovery. And I think that's amazing. So what were some of the things that you learned in the summary status?
Unknown Speaker 35:53
Early Well, can the connection, how important connection is. And again, I didn't realize that at the time, because all of my recovery that has happened since I then, you know, I said, I went back to drinking, because I hadn't got the toolkit, I hadn't got the tools for living. So all the bad old habits crept back in, but the main thing that I got, there was that connection, and that just literally rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat day in day out one day at a time, right? Just that, that that sort of some of the habit change muscle power behind me, I definitely had that. But I didn't have the tools about Nervous System regulation. I did not know anything about self compassion. I had, I went on to study the Science of Happiness. And that really changed my life and my entire outlook on what it is to be human. Because they look at all the keys of happiness, and what's right with us about our pro social natures. Gratitude, compassion, self compassion. Or, you know that that side, we were talking about higher power, and I and, you know, all for me has always been a big thing, looking at the night sky, forest walks, but actually starting to skillfully incorporate all of those things and work with them and develop them as in or as resources. I started to get better properly. Like, my mental health got better, I was able to take third off my
Unknown Speaker 37:34
list. Did you say Science of Happiness?
Unknown Speaker 37:38
Yeah, it's called the Science of Happiness. And it's basically an online course you can do at Harvard and Barclay, with the ED x platform. So it's a MOOC modular online course, over about 10 weeks, and it's an evolutionary theory and neuroscience around what it is to be mammalian pro social effect, the about the 16% of happiness that we can actually do something about. Yeah, it is just a fabulous, fabulous, fabulous course. And it was that that then I realized this a lot of people on forums talking about similar things, right. So it was at that point where I was like, You know what, I'm going to train as a coach, I don't see any courses that I like. So I'm going to do a grounding in life coaching like a two year Diploma in life coaching, then, I'm going to build a my own course, on my own package that incorporates positive psychology and the Science of Happiness is I think that's what we need. Oh, yeah. So So that was my journey. And in between all of that I sort of met Mandy and started our work together.
Unknown Speaker 38:53
Yeah, you guys are doing brilliant work, you have the you guys are cofounders of love, sober, calm, change your relationship with alcohol. I know you have courses and coaching and community with accountability. Brilliant, I just love it. I love what you guys are doing.
Unknown Speaker 39:09
It's just you know what, that whole one thing that that we feel really passionate about, sorry, I'm sort of like veering off in different directions. But that idea of community connection, collaboration, which I know that she recovers is so brilliant. But Mandy and I because we're both busy moms, we could not be doing any the work that we're doing, if we weren't collaborating. And also then we have certain people in the in our in our community that that help as well. And we just were a sort of a more collective and a community interest company, basically. Right. Um, so yeah, I yeah, so all of this kind of growth. I mean, I think one of the one of the The keys for me and I don't really know how to explain it other than this was like, a such a seminal moment for me. And it was the last time I drank was my last day one touch word. You know, don't take it for granted. But it was my last day. Last day one. And I had gone through the whole shallow shallow shallow shot, I'd stopped drinking five months and a half drink then I stopped again for a few months and, and I went up to London, it was my sister in law's 40th birthday. And, anyway, To cut a long story short, we did end up I did end up drinking. And I woke up in the morning. And I it was a beautiful, hot, sunny day, and I was paralyzed with fear. It was like, the darkness had come on me so badly. I could barely move for the shame. It was like I was, I was fucking broken. Like, and I don't know why, particularly that particular night. I don't know, my I was just done, right.
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