ERP 159: What Happens When Your Partner Is At A Different Stage Of Development with Martin Ucik

GUEST: MARTIN UCIK

Martin Ucik is a German born entrepreneur who trained with Eckhart Tolle as a Power Of Now group facilitator and founded www.singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. His studies of Ken Wilber's Integral Model allowed him to integrate his personal experiences as a divorced father and the wisdom from over 200 relationship books into Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men which Ken Wilber calls "a terrific book!" and his new book Sex Purpose Love.

(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)

LISTENERS' QUESTIONS:

First listener's question: "I stumbled upon your podcast on Spotify and since then have found great value in it with my current relationship of 1.5 years. If possible I have some questions/topic that I would love to hear you cover. …

One relationship question/topic that is a big stressor in my relationship is:

My boyfriend is a police officer and in the National Guard. His jobs have really changed him like how he judges people really quickly and so on. Have you ever covered a topic similar to this?"

Second listener's question: "My worry is that I've grown and matured in my thinking over the past couple months and that my boyfriend and I won't be on the same page. I tend to overthink and my boyfriend tries to simplify things, so oftentimes we balance each other out. However there are times when I think I'm maturing a lot faster than him and it sort of creates a mental gap between us. I'm not sure if that's because we're not compatible or if there's a better way to communicate."

INTEGRAL THEORY

• Lines of development
• 5 stages of spiritual development
• 8 stages of consciousness
• 4 quadrants
• Personality matrix

Developmental Lines for Relationship, based on Martin Ucik's approach:

• Emotional availability
• Consciousness development
• Sexual development
• Spiritual development
• Anima/animus

8 STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT, BY MARTIN UCIK

How we see the world and how we communicate.

1. Survival
2. Magical thinking
3. Ego centric
4. Mythic
5. Rational
6. Pluralistic
7. Integral
8. Transpersonal

"Experience without theory is blind but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." by Immanuel Kant

How partners meet each other matters.

In the past, partners would meet each other in places where they were likely to have similar perspectives, beliefs, and world views, like college, church, and interest based groups. It was more likely that partners would be at similar stages of consciousness. Whereas today, partners are meeting each other online and are more likely to be at different stages of consciousness, which poses great difficulty for couples.

How do you determine what stage of development as person is in?

• Listen to what really matters to them.

What do you recommend for a couple that is dealing with being at different stages of development?

• Talk about your experience.
• Look at the stages of consciousness together.
• Be gentle in your approach with one another.
• Invite an openness and a willingness to explore.
• Sometimes, people will not be ready or willing to grow and develop.

MENTIONED:

• Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men (book)
• Sex Purpose Love: Couples in Integral Relationships Creating a Better World (book)
• Relationship Map (opt-in)
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love (book)
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life — Second 2nd Edition (book)
• Integral Theory: Ken Wilber (Wikipedia)
• Ken Wilber (website)
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (book)
• Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book)
• Passionate Marriage (book)
• Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (book)
• The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (20th Anniversary Edition) (book)
• Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart (book)
• Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (book)
• Alex Gray (website)
• ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast)
• ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast)
• ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast)
• ERP 015: Do You Have A "Unity" Or "Journey" Mindset In Relationship? (podcast)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.

Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection.

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