A husband, experienced partner in an 11-year relationship, shares tools for relational tune-ups with his wife. They discuss effective communication using the drive-through method, differentiating between critique and complaint, and the power of wording. They encourage enjoying the ride together and embracing the mystery of relationships.
Regular relationship check-ins are crucial for maintaining happiness and growth.
Distinguishing between critiques and complaints can foster healthy communication and conflict resolution.
Deep dives
Relational Tune-ups and Maintenance
Maintaining relationships for the long term involves constant slight tweaks and tune-ups. Learning to communicate effectively, such as using techniques like the drive-through method during arguments, can help in resolving conflicts. Understanding the importance of taking turns in conversation and repeating back what the other person has said can improve active listening and prevent misunderstandings. Establishing clear communication frameworks, like clarifying roles in discussions, can lead to better conflict resolution and strengthen relationships.
Critique Versus Complaint
Distinguishing between critiques and complaints in relationships is essential. Expressing genuine complaints about behaviors or situations can foster healthy communication. Avoiding critical statements that attack the person's character and focusing on specific issues can prevent conflicts. Acknowledging complaints as normal forms of expressing discomfort can lead to productive discussions and problem-solving.
Cure for Defensiveness
Addressing defensiveness in relationships involves finding the truth in the other person's statements. Instead of immediately reacting defensively, taking a moment to identify the validity in the other person's concerns can lead to constructive dialogue. By focusing on understanding the core message rather than reacting defensively, conflicts can be approached with openness and empathy. Aiming to grasp the underlying feelings and needs behind defensive reactions can lead to more effective communication and conflict resolution.
Setting Boundaries and Goals
Establishing boundaries in relationships can help define acceptable behaviors and communication dynamics. Avoiding negative labeling or disrespectful remarks can contribute to a healthier relationship environment. Communicating individual needs and priorities while prioritizing mutual respect can strengthen relationship bonds. Setting relational goals, such as prioritizing quality time and aligning on shared values, can guide couples towards continued growth and connection.
Anyone who’s been in a relationship for a while knows that sometimes you need to have a quick assessment with your partner of “How are we? Are we okay? Are you happy? Is there any way we can be doing things better?”
Just like routine car maintenance - it’s important to pull off the highway from time to time and really check things out, ideally before a check engine light comes on.
In this episode I bring in my husband of 11 years and we go through some tools from our relational tool kit we have learned throughout the years, primarily from our marriage counselor…
Using a drive-through method to hear each other’s needs
The difference between a critique versus a complaint
The power of wording - “You’re annoying” vs “You’re behavior is annoying me” vs “I’m annoyed”
The littler version of your partner in your head
We also land that at some point you need to stop over-analyzing all the ways you could potentially improve and just enjoy the ride together!