This week we meet Salimah, single mother of three wonderful children, 13-year-old Alani, 7-year-old Rene, and 5-year-old Terrel. Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all, and Leslie’s sessions with Salimah are a perfect example of that. The first of this four-part series focuses on middle child Rene. Salimah needs help figuring out why is Rene destroying her room, and how to handle those big emotions.

TIME STAMPS

6:58 The three states of mind- emotion mind, reasonable mind, wise mind

8:05 The ring of fire as a metaphor when your child is emotionally dysregulated

12:50 Explaining the difference between a trigger vs prompting event

• Can you identify the five prompting events that set you off to emotion mind

15:50 Power of pause - the gift of the pause

16:55 Re-considering the use of time-out as a form of punishment

20:40 Create a toolbox of alternatives of how to react when your child has the big emotions; how can you connect and at the same time to give her space 

• Redirect them to do another activity such as go outside
• Problem-solving or engaging in conflict resolution with the other person
• Validate and stop talking. Sometimes talking less is more effective.

23:12 Narrate what you are doing and what you are thinking, as both a model and a strategy in difficult times

25:49 Change your language away from “I’m in combat with my children,” which implies that they are your enemy 

27:44 Having children put a mirror to us, and show us the ways we need to grow.

33:00 Rules of the game - share with your children what you are thinking and doing 

Show Note Links:

• A visual explanation of the three states of mind
• Video on three states of mind
• Leslie’s blog posting explaining the three states of mind
• Leslie’s newsletter on becoming aware of violent language: Why words matter?
• Two articles on why time-outs aren’t effective: https://kidcrew.com/why-time-outs-are-not-effective

https://childmind.org/article/are-time-outs-harmful-kids/

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism:  Keep in mind: your words have power and you can choose what to say.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.