On Attachment

#181: The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment (& Why It Has to Stop)

Mar 25, 2025

Discover why avoidant attachment often faces unfair demonization and how this misunderstanding affects relationships. The discussion highlights the importance of compassion and self-reflection, encouraging listeners to recognize vulnerabilities instead of projecting blame. It also emphasizes moving beyond labels and prioritizing personal values for healthier connections. This thought-provoking conversation invites you to explore your own narratives and understand what true healing requires.

26:39

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Quick takeaways

The demonisation of avoidant attachment often stems from past traumas of anxious individuals, creating a cycle of blame and misunderstanding.

Understanding the roots of avoidant attachment can foster empathy and facilitate healthier interpersonal relationships by encouraging self-reflection and shared responsibility.

Deep dives

The Importance of Compassion in Understanding Attachment Styles

Understanding attachment styles requires compassion and curiosity towards individuals, regardless of whether they exhibit avoidant or anxious traits. Viewing interpersonal behaviors through a lens of protection can facilitate better understanding, as these traits often emerge from a desire for safety and belonging. It is crucial to avoid generalizations that demonize avoidant individuals, especially given that many anxiously attached people may project their past disappointments onto those with avoidant attachment. Recognizing that behavior often stems from past experiences can foster more empathetic interactions and healthier relationships.

The Case for Compassion: Understanding Avoidant Attachment

24min

Beyond Labels: Understanding Relationships Through Values

3min

In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.

It’s all too common, especially in online spaces, for people (often those with anxious attachment) to project blame, anger, and sweeping judgments onto those with avoidant attachment styles. But while that instinct may feel validating in the short term, it actually keeps us stuck.

This episode is a call for compassion and nuance — not just for others, but for ourselves.

Whether you’ve been hurt by someone with avoidant tendencies in the past or are currently struggling with anxious-avoidant dynamics, this conversation will invite you to take a broader, more honest look at the patterns playing out in your relationships and what healing really requires.

In this episode, I cover:

Why avoidant attachment is so often misunderstood and unfairly vilified
How our instinct to blame keeps us stuck in insecure patterns
The deeper origins of avoidant attachment — and how understanding this helps build compassion
Why anger, blame, and black-and-white thinking won’t help you heal
The role of boundaries, discernment, and self-responsibility in moving forward

If you're committed to growing into a more secure, grounded version of yourself, this episode is an invitation to pause and reflect on the narratives you’re holding — about others, and about yourself.

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