Coaching Our Children: Self-Authoring, Belonging, and Personal Authority
Nov 14, 2023
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Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins the BrainSTOKE podcast to guide parents on fostering their child's self-authoring, establishing guardrails, and overcoming resentment. The hosts discuss coaching parents on self-authorship and personal authority. They explore raising independent children and balancing protection with autonomy. The importance of separating parental love from children's decisions is emphasized. Navigating the separation between parents and children and the concept of belonging versus fitting in is explored. They also discuss self-awareness, relationship advice, and favorite topics.
Self-authorship involves internalizing societal rules and determining how they align with one's own values and choices, fostering personal agency and authenticity instead of seeking validation or fitting in.
Parents should balance guidance with allowing their children to explore and define their own paths, separating their own desires from their children's self-authorship to foster a sense of belonging and confidence in decision-making.
Encouraging autonomy, allowing for calculated risks, and acknowledging the inevitability of consequences can cultivate resilience and equip individuals to navigate life's uncertainties, fostering personal growth and adaptation to the real world.
Deep dives
The Importance of Self-Authorship and Personal Authority
Self-authorship and personal authority are crucial in developing a sense of identity and intimacy in relationships. Self-authorship involves internalizing societal rules and determining how they align with one's own values and choices. It is about defining one's life through personal agency, creativity, and authenticity, rather than seeking validation or fitting in. Personal authority requires the courage to differentiate from external influences and take responsibility for one's decisions. While self-authorship can be challenging due to the fear of invalidation and not fitting in, it is essential for personal growth and fulfilling relationships.
Navigating Parental Influence
Parents play a significant role in shaping their children's development and decisions. However, it is important for parents to balance guidance with allowing their children to explore and define their own paths. Pressure and expectations from parents can lead to children compromising their true selves to fulfill their parents' desires. Parents should be mindful of their own motivations, fears, and need for validation, to avoid hindering their children's self-authorship. Providing a supportive and unconditional love that separates the child's choices from parental approval fosters a sense of belonging and confidence in their own decision-making.
Challenges in Modern Society
Modern society poses challenges to the development of self-authorship in young individuals. The fear of danger and increasing parental involvement often restricts children's autonomy and decision-making. The shift towards protecting children from adversity and discomfort can hinder their psychological growth and adaptation to the real world. The societal emphasis on validation and fitting in over individuality contributes to the struggle of self-definition. Encouraging autonomy, allowing for calculated risks, and acknowledging the inevitability of consequences can cultivate resilience and equip individuals to navigate life's uncertainties.
Parenting in the Age of Social Media
Parenting in the age of social media poses unique challenges. Giving kids autonomy while ensuring their safety and responsible use is a balancing act. The lack of regulations for children on social media platforms adds to the difficulty. Parents need to have compassion for themselves as they navigate this new world of access. The key is to focus on regulation and setting expectations, with the understanding that autonomy can be earned or restricted based on responsible use. Creating a contract with kids and periodically checking in with their online activities can help parents stay informed while allowing kids some freedom.
The Importance of Guided Autonomy and Self-Reflection in Relationships
In relationships, guided autonomy is essential for individual growth and a sense of belonging. Allowing teenagers and young adults to navigate relationships with some independence, while still providing guidance, helps them develop confidence and a stronger sense of identity. Self-reflection and the ability to acknowledge one's impact on a partner is crucial for a healthy partnership. It is important to focus on personal growth and holding oneself accountable rather than seeking validation or blaming the other person. By recognizing our own agency, we can foster stronger, more fulfilling relationships and experience personal growth along the way.
As parents, we are hardwired to focus on our child’s wellbeing. Early on, this inclination serves our children well but, as they grow, if our relationship with them doesn’t evolve to make room for their emerging autonomy, we will keep them from developing the capacities they need to flourish in adulthood and navigate the increasingly complex world around them.
As scary as it is to step back and watch as our children take more ownership of their lives and choices, and as hard as it is to watch their inevitable missteps along the way, doing so is fundamental to their growth and development.
In this NEW podcast episode, Dr. Finlayson-Fife joins Tom Telford, Liza Telford, and Preston Niederhauser, hosts of the BrainSTOKE podcast, to give parents helpful guidance on how they can be loving, wise mentors as their children stumble through the sometimes turbulent transition into adulthood.
Listen to the full episode to learn more about:
* Fostering your child’s capacity to self-author
* Fitting in vs belonging
* Establishing guardrails for our kids and knowing when and how to adjust those guardrails
* Overcoming resentment about our own lack of self-authoring
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