The Daily Dad

It’s A Window. See It As A Window

Feb 5, 2024

03:48

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Learn the importance of seeing behavior as a window into emotions and needs. Understand how behavior is a clue to the bigger story and a way for kids to communicate their feelings and thoughts. Discover how parents can respond effectively and foster emotional regulation skills.

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Quick takeaways

Behavior is a clue to the bigger story, reflecting the feelings, thoughts, urges, and unmet needs of a person.

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Deep dives

Understanding Behavior as a Window into Emotions and Needs

Behavior is not the main event; it is a clue to the bigger story. Dr. Becky explains that behavior, in all its forms, reflects the feelings, thoughts, urges, sensations, perceptions, and unmet needs of a person. By shifting our perspective and seeing behavior as a window into someone's emotional state, we can better understand what is truly going on with them. By practicing active listening and empathy, we can address the underlying emotions and needs that drive the behavior, and teach our children how to navigate their feelings in a mature and regulated way.

Understanding Behavior as a Window into Emotions and Needs

4min

The tantrum. The whining about going to school. The punch that’s thrown. The slipping grades. The sneaking out. The lie. The shouting. The moping around the house.

These are not things you like to see your kids do. Maybe these are things you’ve talked to them about before, maybe a million times. But maybe that’s the problem. You’re seeing the wrong thing. You’re talking about the wrong thing.

In her wonderful book Good Inside (yes, we love it), Dr. Becky Kennedy writes that “on the surface we see a behavior, but underneath we see a person.” We’ve said before that your kids are always talking to you—just not necessarily with words. “Throwing the cereal box wasn’t the main event,” Dr. Becky explains. “It was a window into the main event. Behavior, in all its forms, is a window: into the feelings, thoughts, urges, sensations, perceptions, and unmet needs of a person. Behavior is never “the story” **but rather it’s a clue to the bigger story begging to be addressed.”

What a wonderful gift it would be to your family, to everyone you met, if you could start seeing behavior not as a thing to be upset about but a window into how someone is doing, what is going on with them. We’ve said it many times—they’re telling you that they’re hungry, that they’re tired, that they’re scared, that they’re lonely, that they’re overwhelmed or stressed. But they don’t know how to say that…so they lash out, so they hide in their room, so they call you something mean.

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