Autism in the Adult What Might That Look Like: A Decision Making Tool
Have you ever struggled over whether to accept an invitation or opportunity? Should I say yes, or no? Join Dr. Regan as she discusses the importance of identifying goals and asking "what might that look like" before making a final decision.
Previous podcast episodes mentioned:
Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism: Similarities and Differences
Dr. Regan's Master Class for Clinicians:
Dr. Regan's Resources
Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed
Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors
Autism in the Adult website homepage
Website Resources for Clinicians
Read the transcript:
1
00:00:07,670 --> 00:00:08,520
Hi there.
2
00:00:08,529 --> 00:00:13,520
This is Doctor Regan joining you for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.
3
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,029
I'm your host.
4
00:00:15,039 --> 00:00:18,739
I'm also a neuropsychologist, author and speaker,
5
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:24,719
a certified autism specialist and the parent of a teen on the autism spectrum.
6
00:00:25,850 --> 00:00:29,040
You are joining me today for an episode entitled,
7
00:00:29,049 --> 00:00:30,620
"what might that look like?"
8
00:00:30,909 --> 00:00:35,240
One of the things that clients and families often ask me is,
9
00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:39,909
"should we plan on this" or "should I say yes to this?"
10
00:00:40,189 --> 00:00:40,669
Now,
11
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:48,659
this could mean being the best man at a family wedding or taking a family vacation to a cabin in the woods.
12
00:00:49,419 --> 00:00:53,509
It could mean accepting a full time job in an office setting.
13
00:00:54,299 --> 00:00:55,029
Now,
14
00:00:55,529 --> 00:00:58,509
my response is rarely yes or no,
15
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,270
but rather "what might that look like?"
16
00:01:02,590 --> 00:01:05,519
So before we jump into the topic for today,
17
00:01:05,529 --> 00:01:09,559
we are coming up to the third anniversary of this podcast,
18
00:01:09,879 --> 00:01:19,639
the first episode launched on August 7th 2020 it highlighted similarities and differences between autism and ADD or ADHD.
19
00:01:20,050 --> 00:01:20,379
Now,
20
00:01:20,389 --> 00:01:33,279
this premiere episode is one of the most popular of the podcast and I plan to expand this topic into a series after today's episode which will further define executive function,
21
00:01:33,550 --> 00:01:41,050
its presentation in autism and ADD, and resources for harnessing the power of executive function.
22
00:01:42,199 --> 00:01:43,089
Secondly,
23
00:01:43,099 --> 00:01:46,930
I want to inform clinicians about an upcoming master class.
24
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:52,069
I'm offering through Zur Institute about autism across the lifespan.
25
00:01:53,190 --> 00:02:04,459
I received so many emails and messages through my website about people seeking autism informed clinicians to provide them with diagnostic input information,
26
00:02:04,470 --> 00:02:08,919
education and solutions for roadblocks they may have encountered.
27
00:02:09,649 --> 00:02:17,270
So the bottom line is that more clinicians are needed to serve individuals who are searching for this specialization.
28
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:28,779
And my response has been to offer multiple courses through Zur Institute. It's a continuing education site for clinicians.
29
00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:36,809
My goal is to equip clinicians across various regions to assist individuals in their communities.
30
00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:39,320
When this type of service is needed,
31
00:02:39,979 --> 00:02:51,729
the master class offering will focus on advanced topics and it starts in September space is limited and I'll have the link in the show notes.
32
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,449
So let's jump into our topic for today.
33
00:02:56,380 --> 00:03:10,369
The autistic individual may have opportunities to accept or decline invitations and the invitation may be to enter an advanced academic program rather than the basic program.
34
00:03:10,789 --> 00:03:13,770
Perhaps the invitation is to travel.
35
00:03:14,429 --> 00:03:24,199
The invitation may be to lead a group such as being the best man at a family wedding or presenting research to professionals.
36
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:33,619
My experience is that there's value in viewing the invitation not so much as a yes or no question.
37
00:03:33,889 --> 00:03:35,369
Do I accept this?
38
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:36,580
Do I say no.
39
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,880
But by asking ourselves,
40
00:03:38,889 --> 00:03:40,410
what might that look like?
41
00:03:41,149 --> 00:03:41,710
A yes,
42
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:47,160
no view would be to see the invitation as a formed and complete package.
43
00:03:47,289 --> 00:03:51,080
So if I say yes to being the best man,
44
00:03:51,089 --> 00:03:53,080
I will plan the bachelor party,
45
00:03:53,089 --> 00:03:54,240
make a speech,
46
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,020
toast,
47
00:03:55,029 --> 00:03:56,509
the couple at the reception,
48
00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,869
et cetera saying no to the invitation means I'll,
49
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,440
I won't participate in these activities.
50
00:04:03,990 --> 00:04:05,360
But instead of a yes,
51
00:04:05,369 --> 00:04:06,589
no mindset,
52
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:11,199
we can often talk through alternatives by asking,
53
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,919
what might that look like?
54
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,990
What might it look like to say?
55
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:15,729
Yes,
56
00:04:16,170 --> 00:04:19,630
in a way that works for me and for the people around me.
57
00:04:22,149 --> 00:04:26,200
The first point to think about is what is the ultimate goal?
58
00:04:26,209 --> 00:04:28,320
What is the desired outcome?
59
00:04:29,779 --> 00:04:36,600
The goal for a vacation with family members may be to have relaxing experiences,
60
00:04:36,660 --> 00:04:43,480
to see natural landscapes that you've never seen and to connect with other family in a meaningful way.
61
00:04:44,829 --> 00:04:50,709
The goal for presenting your research to professionals may be to advance your career,
62
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:57,040
make professional connections with others and highlight your role in the work that's been done.
63
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:09,549
Identifying what a good outcome would look like is empowering because it helps us identify a handful of core foundational objectives.
64
00:05:10,029 --> 00:05:12,640
And when we work toward those objectives,
65
00:05:12,649 --> 00:05:17,220
we can release some of the trappings that may be part of the activity,
66
00:05:17,230 --> 00:05:23,959
but they're really not core to what we're going after for the individual,
67
00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:26,440
considering a full-time office job,
68
00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:31,089
he may decide that the foundational goals would be to have work stability.
69
00:05:31,510 --> 00:05:34,140
If he's currently doing consulting work,
70
00:05:34,149 --> 00:05:35,200
for example,
71
00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:35,769
he would,
72
00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:45,109
he may want more of a predictable salary and to have his name associated with a company that has a respected reputation in his field.
73
00:05:46,239 --> 00:05:53,489
So the first step you can focus on is determining what would be a good outcome.
74
00:05:54,480 --> 00:06:02,549
What would it look like in this situation to really dive in and also to feel like things went well.
75
00:06:04,519 --> 00:06:10,970
The first step you should focus on is determining what a good outcome would look like in this situation.
76
00:06:11,589 --> 00:06:15,779
What would a good outcome for participating in the wedding look like?
77
00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:21,519
What about going on a family vacation or accepting an office job?
78
00:06:22,910 --> 00:06:32,970
The second part after we've identified what the core features we're going after are those core foundational goals?
79
00:06:33,179 --> 00:06:35,000
We can ask ourselves,
80
00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:36,459
what might it look like?
81
00:06:36,470 --> 00:06:41,559
What might the situation look like that would allow for those outcomes?
82
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,950
So let's go back to the examples.
83
00:06:45,410 --> 00:06:49,690
The gentleman invited to be best man at an out of town family wedding.
84
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,200
Let's call him Joe.
85
00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:54,510
He may realize his instinct is to say,
86
00:06:54,519 --> 00:06:55,160
no,
87
00:06:55,679 --> 00:06:58,809
he knows that he gets overwhelmed in crowds.
88
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:09,809
He dislikes being the center of attention and he relies on routine and specific favorite activities to remain grounded in daily life.
89
00:07:10,170 --> 00:07:24,489
He feels pulled in different directions because he wants to support his family member and he knows that it's really an honor to be asked to connect with the couple in this way at the ceremony.
90
00:07:25,890 --> 00:07:28,390
So Joe and his family may want to discuss,
91
00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:31,570
what would it look like for you to be best man?
92
00:07:31,809 --> 00:07:36,630
What might it look like for Joe to be best man in a relational,
93
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:38,899
satisfying and meaningful way?
94
00:07:38,940 --> 00:07:44,929
But in a way that also offers him the freedom and the space to take care of his needs.
95
00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:46,920
So at this point,
96
00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:57,320
there is a commitment to the core goals and there is flexibility with the trappings that might otherwise go along with a wedding ceremony.
97
00:07:59,109 --> 00:08:00,369
In the case of the wedding,
98
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,769
Joe may have a separate hotel room,
99
00:08:02,779 --> 00:08:07,369
so he has a quiet alone space to regroup as needed.
100
00:08:08,350 --> 00:08:20,239
Joe may know that he is grounded and centered when he gets pressure inputs in his muscles and joints and he gets these inputs at home with a weighted blanket,
101
00:08:20,260 --> 00:08:22,339
rock climbing and bike riding.
102
00:08:23,239 --> 00:08:36,650
He's decided to choose a hotel that has a swimming pool and an elliptical machine so that he can get these pressure inputs in ways that will still feel grounding to him.
103
00:08:38,489 --> 00:08:48,789
Joe also plans to use small noise canceling earbuds as needed just to shield himself from some of the noise in crowded areas.
104
00:08:48,968 --> 00:08:50,289
They're barely visible,
105
00:08:50,299 --> 00:08:55,698
they help him a lot and it'll be a step toward really increasing his comfort.
106
00:08:56,940 --> 00:09:00,880
Joe and his family agree that he won't attend the bachelor party,
107
00:09:01,150 --> 00:09:09,630
but still he'll have a time that evening where he and the groom have a private drink together to celebrate the union.
108
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:18,960
Joe also decides to record a video of him toasting the couple rather than making a live toast.
109
00:09:19,409 --> 00:09:26,979
These things in combination with others really help him or regulate himself to have a relation,
110
00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:33,950
meaningful contribution at the ceremony and to also protect what his nervous system needs.
111
00:09:34,820 --> 00:09:38,260
The main points are that Joe and his family are thinking,
112
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:39,950
what might this look like?
113
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:47,789
What do we want to work toward and how can we best get there with a mindset toward getting everyone's needs met.
114
00:09:49,020 --> 00:09:50,140
Similarly,
115
00:09:50,150 --> 00:09:53,250
the researcher invited to present her work.
116
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,030
Let's call her,
117
00:09:54,039 --> 00:10:03,669
Susan may avoid the invitation because handling unexpected situations during a presentation is very stressful to her.
118
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:10,799
She also really shies away from being the center of attention and speaking in front of others.
119
00:10:11,409 --> 00:10:19,219
If she does present her goals would be to take credit for her work and to connect with like minded professionals.
120
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:26,169
Perhaps her focus on what might this look like leads to the following plan,
121
00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:35,840
Susan and her mentor decide to present the information together with specific slides identified for each of them.
122
00:10:36,559 --> 00:11:02,320
So this plan allows Susan to have an experienced partner to guide her through unexpected glitches and it also ensures that Susan can count on presenting specific material but also have expected breaks while her mentor is speaking during the question and answer section at the end of the presentation,
123
00:11:02,539 --> 00:11:13,679
Susan will take the lead on questions she feels comfortable with and her mentor may cue and structure her thoughts by adding prompts like saying Susan,
124
00:11:13,690 --> 00:11:19,400
this may be a good time to discuss your findings in the area of XY or Z.
125
00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:37,650
So what might that look like process allowed Susan to work toward her desired goals without taking an all or nothing approach to all of the trappings that may typically accompany a professional presentation.
126
00:11:38,219 --> 00:11:47,140
So the first thing we talked about was figuring out what's foundational in the goals and then figuring out how to get there,
127
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:52,770
what might it look like to accommodate these goals and to let some other things go.
128
00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:57,070
The third thing to think about is when to say no.
129
00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,729
So having said all this,
130
00:11:59,739 --> 00:12:12,960
there will be times when what might this look like when that process leads to the conclusion that really this is probably unlikely to help achieve our best,
131
00:12:12,969 --> 00:12:14,179
our best outcome,
132
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:15,369
our best goals.
133
00:12:16,030 --> 00:12:17,479
Um So saying,
134
00:12:17,489 --> 00:12:20,460
no may be the best decision in that case,
135
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:27,979
although there would be benefits to finding a compromise that meets the needs of multiple people.
136
00:12:27,989 --> 00:12:45,590
The process may be unrealistic in a particular situation and that may be because the individual's needs at that time are so high in this season of struggle or it may be because features of the situation just can't be adjusted.
137
00:12:47,289 --> 00:12:53,179
Let's take the consultants situation who's considering a full-time office job.
138
00:12:53,390 --> 00:13:15,960
Let's call him a the best answer for him may be no if he is in an unusual season of struggle and maybe he's having difficulty consistently getting his consulting work done and to then switch to a setting that would be more challenging for him may really not be good timing,
139
00:13:16,719 --> 00:13:22,520
his needs as an individual may be so far from what the job can offer him.
140
00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:25,729
That the best answer in this season is no.
141
00:13:27,179 --> 00:13:28,309
Alternatively,
142
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,619
the answer may be no if he's doing well in his consulting work.
143
00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:42,119
But there are core features of the job that would prevent him from having the flexibility that he would really need to thrive.
144
00:13:42,809 --> 00:13:47,280
He may realize that he would need a hybrid work model,
145
00:13:47,289 --> 00:13:50,280
combining office work and remote work.
146
00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:57,289
He may have the self awareness that working on new business proposals keeps his interest level up,
147
00:13:57,650 --> 00:14:06,549
but he needs help maintaining interest in projects that feel like old hat that the work can get boring very quickly.
148
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:21,630
And the consulting job allows him to pick and choose the types of projects that he does and for things not to get stale if the office job offers him stability in one sense,
149
00:14:21,729 --> 00:14:26,719
but a lack of flexibility to kind of meet in the middle.
150
00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:30,950
He may need to say no to that invitation.
151
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:33,929
Uh Based on what he knows about himself,
152
00:14:38,130 --> 00:14:42,099
an individual invited to come along for a family vacation.
153
00:14:42,239 --> 00:14:44,090
Let's call her MEREDITH.
154
00:14:44,460 --> 00:14:49,940
She may realize that no is the answer that makes the most sense in her season.
155
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:53,890
After thinking through what might this look like,
156
00:14:53,900 --> 00:15:02,969
she can't envision any way that realistically meets her needs and achieves the goal of connecting with family on this trip.
157
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:05,250
For example,
158
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:14,809
she may have a really severe fear of flying and taking multiple planes is the only way to participate in the vacation as planned.
159
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:23,179
MEREDITH may realize that her core goal is to connect with two family members in particular.
160
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,580
So her next thought process might be,
161
00:15:27,229 --> 00:15:30,859
I'm going to have to say no to the invitation of the trip.
162
00:15:30,929 --> 00:15:34,429
But how else could I connect with those family members?
163
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,849
Even I'm if I'm going to turn down this invitation,
164
00:15:39,489 --> 00:15:55,979
this process of evaluating invitations and opportunities by asking what might that look like can help us identify what our core goals and needs are while adjusting or releasing things that really aren't foundational.
165
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,809
The decisions often don't need to be all or nothing.
166
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:03,750
Although after thinking through what might this look like?
167
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:08,150
We might see that some opportunities just aren't a good fit.
168
00:16:10,030 --> 00:16:22,359
I hope you have invitations that help you grow toward your goals and that your decision making process can also reflect your values and your needs at all seasons of your life.
169
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:24,500
Thank you for joining me today.
170
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:36,599
The next episode will launch our new series on Executive Function and clinicians ... check out the link to the master class opportunity with Zur Institute coming up in the fall.
171
00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:41,710
I hope you can join me next time for our episode on Executive Function.