How to Say No to Unexpected Situations

Have you ever struggled over whether to accept an invitation or opportunity? Should I say yes, or no? Join Dr. Regan as she discusses the importance of identifying goals and asking "what might that look like" before making a final decision. 

 

Previous podcast episodes mentioned:

Attention Deficit Disorder and Autism: Similarities and Differences

Dr. Regan's Master Class for Clinicians:

Zur Institute: Master Class

 

Dr. Regan's Resources

Book: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd ed

Audiobook

Book: Understanding Autistic Behaviors

Autism in the Adult website homepage

Website Resources for Clinicians

 

Read the transcript:

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Hi there.

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This is Doctor Regan joining you for an episode of Autism in the Adult podcast.

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I'm your host.

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I'm also a neuropsychologist, author and speaker,

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a certified autism specialist and the parent of a teen on the autism spectrum.

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You are joining me today for an episode entitled,

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"what might that look like?"

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One of the things that clients and families often ask me is,

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"should we plan on this" or "should I say yes to this?"

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Now,

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this could mean being the best man at a family wedding or taking a family vacation to a cabin in the woods.

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It could mean accepting a full time job in an office setting.

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Now,

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my response is rarely yes or no,

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but rather "what might that look like?"

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So before we jump into the topic for today,

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we are coming up to the third anniversary of this podcast,

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the first episode launched on August 7th 2020 it highlighted similarities and differences between autism and ADD or ADHD.

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Now,

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this premiere episode is one of the most popular of the podcast and I plan to expand this topic into a series after today's episode which will further define executive function,

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its presentation in autism and ADD, and resources for harnessing the power of executive function.

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Secondly,

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I want to inform clinicians about an upcoming master class.

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I'm offering through Zur Institute about autism across the lifespan.

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I received so many emails and messages through my website about people seeking autism informed clinicians to provide them with diagnostic input information,

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education and solutions for roadblocks they may have encountered.

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So the bottom line is that more clinicians are needed to serve individuals who are searching for this specialization.

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And my response has been to offer multiple courses through Zur Institute. It's a continuing education site for clinicians.

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My goal is to equip clinicians across various regions to assist individuals in their communities.

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When this type of service is needed,

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the master class offering will focus on advanced topics and it starts in September space is limited and I'll have the link in the show notes.

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So let's jump into our topic for today.

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The autistic individual may have opportunities to accept or decline invitations and the invitation may be to enter an advanced academic program rather than the basic program.

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Perhaps the invitation is to travel.

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The invitation may be to lead a group such as being the best man at a family wedding or presenting research to professionals.

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My experience is that there's value in viewing the invitation not so much as a yes or no question.

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Do I accept this?

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Do I say no.

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But by asking ourselves,

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what might that look like?

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A yes,

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no view would be to see the invitation as a formed and complete package.

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So if I say yes to being the best man,

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I will plan the bachelor party,

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make a speech,

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toast,

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the couple at the reception,

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et cetera saying no to the invitation means I'll,

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I won't participate in these activities.

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But instead of a yes,

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no mindset,

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we can often talk through alternatives by asking,

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what might that look like?

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What might it look like to say?

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Yes,

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in a way that works for me and for the people around me.

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The first point to think about is what is the ultimate goal?

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What is the desired outcome?

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The goal for a vacation with family members may be to have relaxing experiences,

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to see natural landscapes that you've never seen and to connect with other family in a meaningful way.

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The goal for presenting your research to professionals may be to advance your career,

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make professional connections with others and highlight your role in the work that's been done.

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Identifying what a good outcome would look like is empowering because it helps us identify a handful of core foundational objectives.

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And when we work toward those objectives,

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we can release some of the trappings that may be part of the activity,

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but they're really not core to what we're going after for the individual,

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considering a full-time office job,

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he may decide that the foundational goals would be to have work stability.

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If he's currently doing consulting work,

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for example,

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he would,

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he may want more of a predictable salary and to have his name associated with a company that has a respected reputation in his field.

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So the first step you can focus on is determining what would be a good outcome.

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What would it look like in this situation to really dive in and also to feel like things went well.

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The first step you should focus on is determining what a good outcome would look like in this situation.

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What would a good outcome for participating in the wedding look like?

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What about going on a family vacation or accepting an office job?

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The second part after we've identified what the core features we're going after are those core foundational goals?

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We can ask ourselves,

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what might it look like?

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What might the situation look like that would allow for those outcomes?

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So let's go back to the examples.

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The gentleman invited to be best man at an out of town family wedding.

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Let's call him Joe.

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He may realize his instinct is to say,

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no,

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he knows that he gets overwhelmed in crowds.

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He dislikes being the center of attention and he relies on routine and specific favorite activities to remain grounded in daily life.

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He feels pulled in different directions because he wants to support his family member and he knows that it's really an honor to be asked to connect with the couple in this way at the ceremony.

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So Joe and his family may want to discuss,

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what would it look like for you to be best man?

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What might it look like for Joe to be best man in a relational,

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satisfying and meaningful way?

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But in a way that also offers him the freedom and the space to take care of his needs.

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So at this point,

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there is a commitment to the core goals and there is flexibility with the trappings that might otherwise go along with a wedding ceremony.

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In the case of the wedding,

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Joe may have a separate hotel room,

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so he has a quiet alone space to regroup as needed.

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Joe may know that he is grounded and centered when he gets pressure inputs in his muscles and joints and he gets these inputs at home with a weighted blanket,

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rock climbing and bike riding.

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He's decided to choose a hotel that has a swimming pool and an elliptical machine so that he can get these pressure inputs in ways that will still feel grounding to him.

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Joe also plans to use small noise canceling earbuds as needed just to shield himself from some of the noise in crowded areas.

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They're barely visible,

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they help him a lot and it'll be a step toward really increasing his comfort.

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Joe and his family agree that he won't attend the bachelor party,

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but still he'll have a time that evening where he and the groom have a private drink together to celebrate the union.

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Joe also decides to record a video of him toasting the couple rather than making a live toast.

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These things in combination with others really help him or regulate himself to have a relation,

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meaningful contribution at the ceremony and to also protect what his nervous system needs.

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The main points are that Joe and his family are thinking,

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what might this look like?

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What do we want to work toward and how can we best get there with a mindset toward getting everyone's needs met.

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Similarly,

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the researcher invited to present her work.

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Let's call her,

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Susan may avoid the invitation because handling unexpected situations during a presentation is very stressful to her.

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She also really shies away from being the center of attention and speaking in front of others.

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If she does present her goals would be to take credit for her work and to connect with like minded professionals.

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Perhaps her focus on what might this look like leads to the following plan,

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Susan and her mentor decide to present the information together with specific slides identified for each of them.

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So this plan allows Susan to have an experienced partner to guide her through unexpected glitches and it also ensures that Susan can count on presenting specific material but also have expected breaks while her mentor is speaking during the question and answer section at the end of the presentation,

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Susan will take the lead on questions she feels comfortable with and her mentor may cue and structure her thoughts by adding prompts like saying Susan,

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this may be a good time to discuss your findings in the area of XY or Z.

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So what might that look like process allowed Susan to work toward her desired goals without taking an all or nothing approach to all of the trappings that may typically accompany a professional presentation.

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So the first thing we talked about was figuring out what's foundational in the goals and then figuring out how to get there,

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what might it look like to accommodate these goals and to let some other things go.

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The third thing to think about is when to say no.

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So having said all this,

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there will be times when what might this look like when that process leads to the conclusion that really this is probably unlikely to help achieve our best,

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our best outcome,

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our best goals.

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Um So saying,

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no may be the best decision in that case,

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although there would be benefits to finding a compromise that meets the needs of multiple people.

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The process may be unrealistic in a particular situation and that may be because the individual's needs at that time are so high in this season of struggle or it may be because features of the situation just can't be adjusted.

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Let's take the consultants situation who's considering a full-time office job.

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Let's call him a the best answer for him may be no if he is in an unusual season of struggle and maybe he's having difficulty consistently getting his consulting work done and to then switch to a setting that would be more challenging for him may really not be good timing,

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his needs as an individual may be so far from what the job can offer him.

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That the best answer in this season is no.

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Alternatively,

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the answer may be no if he's doing well in his consulting work.

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But there are core features of the job that would prevent him from having the flexibility that he would really need to thrive.

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He may realize that he would need a hybrid work model,

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combining office work and remote work.

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He may have the self awareness that working on new business proposals keeps his interest level up,

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but he needs help maintaining interest in projects that feel like old hat that the work can get boring very quickly.

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And the consulting job allows him to pick and choose the types of projects that he does and for things not to get stale if the office job offers him stability in one sense,

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but a lack of flexibility to kind of meet in the middle.

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He may need to say no to that invitation.

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Uh Based on what he knows about himself,

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an individual invited to come along for a family vacation.

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Let's call her MEREDITH.

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She may realize that no is the answer that makes the most sense in her season.

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After thinking through what might this look like,

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she can't envision any way that realistically meets her needs and achieves the goal of connecting with family on this trip.

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For example,

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she may have a really severe fear of flying and taking multiple planes is the only way to participate in the vacation as planned.

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MEREDITH may realize that her core goal is to connect with two family members in particular.

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So her next thought process might be,

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I'm going to have to say no to the invitation of the trip.

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But how else could I connect with those family members?

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Even I'm if I'm going to turn down this invitation,

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this process of evaluating invitations and opportunities by asking what might that look like can help us identify what our core goals and needs are while adjusting or releasing things that really aren't foundational.

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The decisions often don't need to be all or nothing.

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Although after thinking through what might this look like?

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We might see that some opportunities just aren't a good fit.

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I hope you have invitations that help you grow toward your goals and that your decision making process can also reflect your values and your needs at all seasons of your life.

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Thank you for joining me today.

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The next episode will launch our new series on Executive Function and clinicians ... check out the link to the master class opportunity with Zur Institute coming up in the fall. 

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I hope you can join me next time for our episode on Executive Function.