The Daily Dad

Nobody Wins in a War of Attrition

Mar 25, 2020

02:49

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This podcast discusses the importance of finding alternative ways to connect with your children instead of engaging in a battle of wills. It emphasizes that conflicts, like wars, are won indirectly and creatively rather than through force and dominance.

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Quick takeaways

Wars and arguments are won indirectly, not through direct force or confrontation.

As a parent, it's essential to find alternative ways to communicate and understand your children's vulnerabilities.

Deep dives

Winning creatively

Wars and arguments are not won by direct force, but rather through creative and indirect approaches. History has shown that only 2% of conflicts were won by a direct attack on the enemy's main army. Similarly, as a dad, you shouldn't engage in battles of wills with your children. Yelling or asserting dominance won't make them listen. Instead, understand their vulnerabilities and find alternative ways to communicate. Recognize their needs, whether it's physical exhaustion or emotional reassurance, and address them accordingly.

The Importance of Not Engaging in a Battle of Wills with Your Kids

2min

Because you’re in charge, because you’re so much bigger and stronger and smarter, it’s easy to get trapped into a battle of wills with your kids. Don’t do that or else! Because I said so. Oh, you think it’s like that, do you? We put our foot down. We tell them how it’s going to be. We argue. Sometimes, at the very, very end of our rope, we lock them in their room.

Maybe we think this is what authority is, that it’s about force. That it’s about asserting dominance or control. Of course, this is wrong, not just morally but factually. It’s one of the most enduring myths of history, propagated by movies and stories, that wars are won and lost by two great armies going head-to-head in battle.

In fact, in a study of 30 conflicts comprising more than 280 campaigns from ancient to modern history, the historian B. H. Liddell Hart found that in only 6 of the 280 campaigns was a decisive victory the result of a direct attack on the enemy’s main army. Only six. That’s 2 percent.

Instead, most wars—like most arguments and most matters in life—are won indirectly. They’re won creatively. They’re not matters of full force going against full force, but about finding another way around, a way to really get through. Sometimes they’re won by delay, sometimes by surprise, other times by feints or alliances. And so it should go with your kids. You’re not going to yell them into listening. You’re going to have to find where they’re vulnerable. You’re not going to get them to calm down by force, but by realizing that they’re hungry...or need to be tired out. You’re not going to get them to stop being afraid by logic, you’ll have to change their perspective.

Nobody wins a battle of wills. Every victory is Pyrrhic. So get creative. Stop throwing yourself against a wall. Protect both combatants. Don’t attack head-on.

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