What To Do With Your Inner Critic with Aundi Kolber

This week, Blake and Jamie sit down with bestselling author and therapist Aundi Kolber for a powerful conversation about trauma, compassion, the inner critic, and learning to “try softer.”

Aundi shares openly about growing up in an abusive home, how her fierce inner critic helped her survive, and why healing doesn’t come through trying harder—but through a compassionate, regulated relationship with ourselves and others. They unpack attachment, window of tolerance, neurobiology, and why men especially struggle to let go of performance and self-hatred.

This is an episode about shifting from survival mode to connection. About befriending the parts of us we’ve pushed away. And about discovering that compassion is not weakness—it’s strength that doesn’t fold.

Takeaways

• Your inner critic was born for a reason—it helped you survive.

• Healing happens when we can be with our pain, not in our pain.

• Compassion is both tender and fierce: soft toward wounds, strong toward safety.

• Our window of tolerance expands in the presence of regulated, safe relationships.

• You don’t have to tell everyone everything—honesty requires discernment and safety.

• Trying Softer is not giving up; it’s choosing connection over self-punishment.

• We can reassign our inner critic’s job—from attacking us to discerning what’s good for us.

Chapters

(00:00) Aundi’s Story & Meeting the Inner Critic(04:00) Growing Up in Abuse: The Origin of Hyper-Vigilance(08:00) Trauma, Sensitivity & Why Our Parts Form(12:00) Reframing the Inner Critic: A Protector, Not an Enemy(15:00) Attachment, Performance & Getting Needs Met(18:00) How the Body Shrinks its Window of Tolerance(21:00) What Regulation Really Means(24:00) Why Safe Relationships Expand Our Capacity(27:00) Vulnerability, Men’s Groups & Discernment(30:00) Numbing, Shutdown & Forced Dorsal States(33:00) Befriending the Pain We Learned to Fear(37:00) What It Means to “Try Softer”(40:00) Compassion That Doesn’t Fold(45:00) Letting Fierce Compassion Set Boundaries(48:00) Shame, “Still,” and Resentment Toward Our Parts(52:00) Trying Softer as a Lifelong Posture(55:00) The Surprises of Aundi’s Work(58:00) What Gives Aundi Hope(01:00:00) Loaves & Fishes: Being a Steward of Pain(01:02:00) What’s Next for Aundi

Resources

Try Softer — Aundi Kolber
Strong Like Water — Aundi Kolber
Take What You Need — Aundi Kolber

Keywords

Aundi Kolber, Try Softer, Strong Like Water, trauma recovery, inner critic, self-compassion, window of tolerance, attachment, CPTSD, abuse recovery, neurobiology, IFS, shame, masculinity, emotional health, compassion, boundaries, healing, spiritual formation, Three Percent podcast