David Brooks on the Art of Seeing and Hearing Others
Dec 29, 2023
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David Brooks, New York Times columnist, discusses his book 'How to Know a Person' and shares strategies for fostering connections with people who have different perspectives. He emphasizes the importance of listening, understanding, and making others feel seen and appreciated. The podcast explores the decline of social trust, the joy of truly knowing others, and the impact of loneliness on political activism. It also provides techniques for engaging with people who lack curiosity and strategies for keeping debates as learning exercises. David Brooks reflects on his personal journey of emotional growth and overcoming defensive architecture.
Building deeper connections requires making people feel seen and understood.
Seeing others as valuable souls cultivates meaningful connections and a compassionate society.
Curiosity and asking good questions are important in building connections and fostering deep conversations.
Deep dives
Understanding the Crisis of Connection
In this podcast episode, David Brooks discusses the societal crisis of connection and the rising rates of loneliness and depression. He believes that the lack of strong relationships and social trust is contributing to this crisis. While various factors such as social media and income inequality play a role, Brooks emphasizes the importance of social and moral skills in fostering connection. He highlights the need to learn how to listen well, argue well, forgive, host gatherings, and treat others with consideration. By focusing on these skills, Brooks hopes to restore societal bonds and strengthen democracy.
Seeing Each Other as Invaluable Souls
Brooks explores the concept of seeing others deeply and being deeply seen. He argues that seeing each other as invaluable souls, beyond superficial appearances or stereotypes, is essential to cultivating meaningful connections. He emphasizes the moral act of casting attention on someone, making them feel valued and understood. By looking at others with respect and dignity, acknowledging their soul, people can create a more caring and compassionate society. He suggests that attention and moral action can bring out the best in each other, fostering greater understanding and connection.
The Power of Curiosity and Questions
Brooks highlights the importance of curiosity and the art of asking good questions in building connections. He urges individuals to be genuinely curious about others, seeking to understand their perspectives and experiences. By asking thoughtful and open-ended questions, individuals can elicit engaging and deep conversations. Brooks shares practical techniques, such as finding the disagreement beneath the disagreement and maintaining gem statements to keep conversations focused and respectful. He also emphasizes the value of being a "loud listener," actively showing interest and support through verbal and non-verbal cues.
The Role of Emotion and Reason
Brooks challenges the notion that reason and emotion are separate entities, emphasizing that they are interconnected in the human experience. Drawing from neuroscience, he explains that reason and emotion are integral to decision-making and assigning value to things. He argues that acknowledging and understanding emotions, both in oneself and in others, is crucial for authentic connections. While reason helps navigate conversations, emotions provide depth and meaning to human interactions. Brooks encourages individuals to thoughtfully recognize and engage with their emotions as they engage in conversations and create connections.
Learning from Mistakes and Overcoming Defensive Architecture
Brooks candidly shares personal experiences, including his own mistakes and challenges in connecting with others. He opens up about the loss of his best friend to suicide and reflects on the need to develop skills for supporting individuals who are suffering from depression and grief. He encourages understanding the impact of childhood experiences on adult behaviors and defense mechanisms. Brooks discusses the importance of recognizing defensive architectures and striving to overcome them, highlighting the significance of vulnerability, presence, goodwill, and genuine connection in building stronger relationships.
With polarization rising within our society and two wars encouraging division, people are feeling more afraid to engage with people who have differing perspectives. How can we solve that issue, build deeper connections, and get to know someone? New York Times columnist David Brooks says you help them feel seen and understood. John Donvan sits down with Brooks to discuss his book “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen”, how to foster connections in daily life, and offers a solution to a society in need of appreciating each other’s differences.
