79: Beyond "Yes": Breaking the Cycle of People-Pleasing as a Trauma Response with Matthias Barker
Jun 7, 2024
auto_awesome
Matthias Barker, an expert in trauma responses, discusses the detrimental effects of people-pleasing behavior stemming from fear rather than empathy. He emphasizes self-awareness, setting boundaries, and fostering authentic relationships. Sabrina and Barker share personal experiences, highlighting the importance of addressing big emotions and encouraging partners to express needs authentically.
People-pleasing stems from fear and manipulation, not genuine empathy.
Distinguishing between hurtful and harmful actions is essential for setting boundaries.
Acceptance, assertiveness, and understanding lead to healthier relationship dynamics.
Deep dives
Recognizing the Impact of People-Pleasing Behavior in Relationships
People pleasing behavior, such as suppressing needs to prioritize others, can lead to detrimental effects in relationships - romantically, socially, and professionally. By delving into the psychology of accommodating others at the expense of personal boundaries, it becomes apparent that such behaviors stem from fear and the desire for approval and security. Setting a healthy balance between one's own needs and accommodating others can pave the way for more authentic and satisfying relationships.
Navigating the Blur Between Hurtful and Harmful Dynamics in Relationships
Distinguishing between actions that may cause hurt versus those that are harmful is crucial in relationship dynamics. While expressing needs and setting boundaries can elicit discomfort or hurt feelings, understanding the difference enables individuals to protect themselves from situations that are genuinely harmful. Recognizing that hurt can lead to growth and strengthening relationships, while harm involves actions that pose risks and require introspection for better decision-making.
Embracing Acceptance and Assertiveness in Relationship Interactions
Embracing the concept of acceptance and assertiveness allows individuals to navigate relationship challenges effectively. Understanding that outcomes cannot be entirely controlled but can be influenced, empowers individuals to approach interactions with confidence and authenticity. Acknowledging that one can survive negative outcomes and has the agency to make choices fosters a healthier approach to relationships, enabling personal growth and relational development.
Recognizing and Expressing Relationship Needs
In relationships, it is essential to acknowledge and express personal needs without feeling burdensome or excessive. By recognizing emotions like fear and delving deeper to understand underlying vulnerabilities, individuals can better manage their reactions and behaviors. Exploring past experiences and discussing feelings with trusted individuals can provide insights, leading to a sense of autonomy and alignment with personal values.
Differentiating Between Healthy Needs and Anxiety
Distinguishing between healthy relationship needs and anxiety-driven behaviors is crucial for maintaining a balanced perspective. Communicating openly about individual needs, such as preferences for communication frequency or making plans, fosters mutual understanding and compromise. It is important to address fears of abandonment or rejection by delving into past insecurities, seeking self-awareness, and nurturing a relationship with open communication and respect for personal boundaries.
Sabrina sits down with Matthias Barker for a second time to dive into the detrimental effects of people-pleasing, a common trauma response where individuals regulate others to feel safe themselves. Unlike genuine empathy, people-pleasing stems from fear and often involves manipulation. Barker emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and confronting dysfunction rather than avoiding it, as true safety doesn't come from constant monitoring out of fear. He advises distinguishing between needs and anxiety, advocating for acceptance and mutual attunement in relationships. Personal experiences shared by both Sabrina and Barker highlight the necessity of building a solid relationship foundation, addressing big emotions, and helping partners express their needs authentically without resorting to people-pleasing behaviors.
Want to work with Sabrina? HERE!
Stuck After the Podcast? Master Implementation in 8 Weeks with Sabrina's Foundation Course
Join the Make It Make Sense: Getting Through a Breakup course HERE!
Get Ad-free episodes and 2 Bonus episodes a month HERE!
Dont forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Video now available on YOUTUBE!
Please support our sponsors!
Go 20% off your first order and free shipping with Chomps HERE!
Save $10 on your first purchase at StoryWorth HERE!
Get 10% off your first month of Betterhelp HERE!
Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formally known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A.Z & associates LLC in any capacity.
Get the Snipd podcast app
Unlock the knowledge in podcasts with the podcast player of the future.
AI-powered podcast player
Listen to all your favourite podcasts with AI-powered features
Discover highlights
Listen to the best highlights from the podcasts you love and dive into the full episode
Save any moment
Hear something you like? Tap your headphones to save it with AI-generated key takeaways
Share & Export
Send highlights to Twitter, WhatsApp or export them to Notion, Readwise & more
AI-powered podcast player
Listen to all your favourite podcasts with AI-powered features
Discover highlights
Listen to the best highlights from the podcasts you love and dive into the full episode