The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

Ep. 2: Boundaries with Connection

Dec 4, 2020

Setting nurturing boundaries is essential for parenting, especially for children who have faced trauma. It’s about connecting while ensuring safety—not punishment. Learn how to provide the support kids need to explore their world safely. The conversation emphasizes emotional regulation and compassionate approaches over punitive measures. Additionally, valuable resources are shared for further support, including blogs, videos, and community opportunities in neurobiology.

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INSIGHT

Boundaries Are Support

Brain-based parenting, focusing on connection and co-regulation, requires more boundaries, not fewer, for children with delayed self-regulation.
These boundaries act as supports to help the child succeed rather than punishments for misbehavior.

ADVICE

Check Your Regulation

If struggling with implementing a connection-based approach, analyze potential gaps in regulation, connection, or felt safety.
Questions like "How will they learn?" often indicate the adult's need for regulation, not the child's.

INSIGHT

Boundaries Not Punishment

Connection-based parenting is not boundary-free; it emphasizes understanding boundaries as supports, not punishments.
Adults often mistake a lack of punishment for a lack of tools to maintain boundaries.

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Brain-based parenting with connection and coregulation doesn’t mean boundary-less parenting. In fact, if you are parenting a child who is a little delayed with regard to developing self-regulation, this type of parenting actually means MORE boundaries.

But boundaries aren’t consequences or punishments.

Boundaries are the supports your child needs to be successful.

It’s a little like toddler proofing. Toddlers aren’t untrustworthy, misbehaving, or sneaky because they explored the stairs and then fell down. Toddlers are just doing their toddler thing with their toddler brain. It’s our job as the adults to provide the boundaries and co-regulation they need to support their developmental task (exploration) without getting hurt!

So we provide lots of supervision and baby-gates. And we support their safe exploration of the stairs- holding their hands as they go up and down, or sitting one step below them while they play.

If we remember a few important tenets of brain-based parenting:

Connection is a biological imperative
Behavior is an externalization of inner experience
Regulated, Connected, Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

Then we can feel confident that when our kids are struggling (lying, stealing, manipulation, opposition, etc.) that they need more support.

Read my blog article about Boundaries with Connection here: Boundaries with Connection

Watch the original Facebook Live video on Boundaries with Connection: Facebook LIVES

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Check Out All Robyn's Free Resources!
You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!

RobynGobbel.com/FreeResources

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Apply for the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With) robyngobbel.com/Immersion

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