Responsive desire is a normal and healthy way of experiencing sexual desire.
Creating a context that prioritizes pleasure is key to embracing responsive desire and enhancing sexual experiences.
Deep dives
Understanding the Context of Sexual Desire
Spontaneous desire and responsive desire are both normal ways of experiencing sexual desire. While spontaneous desire can arise out of the blue, responsive desire emerges in response to the pleasure of sex. Judging responsive desire as inferior or abnormal can hinder the experience of pleasure and desire. Creating a context that makes pleasure easy, whether through physical touch, deep conversations, or other means, is key to embracing responsive desire. By prioritizing pleasure in our definition of sexual well-being, desire will naturally follow.
The Impact of Context Changes on Desire
Changes in context, such as moving in together or experiencing stress about money or jobs, can influence sexual desire. Understanding that desire styles can shift within a relationship and embracing responsive desire can help navigate these changes. Collaborating with your partner to create individual and unique experiences of desire and pleasure can lead to a more satisfying sex life.
The Role of Pleasure in Sexual Well-being
Pleasure should be at the center of our understanding of sexual well-being. Putting pleasure first and enjoying the sex we are having, rather than focusing solely on desire, leads to greater sexual satisfaction. By creating a context that fosters pleasure and prioritizing pleasure over societal expectations of wanting, we can enhance our sexual experiences.
Next Episode: Exploring Orgasm
In the next episode, Emily Nogoski will delve into the topic of orgasm. The episode will explore the misconceptions surrounding different types of orgasms and reveal that there is actually only one type of orgasm. Stay tuned for an insightful discussion on this fascinating aspect of sexual pleasure.
For some people, sexual desire shows up totally spontaneously and out of the blue. But that’s not the case for this week’s listener, who wants to have sex with their girlfriend, but isn't feeling the same excitement as they did at beginning of the relationship. Emily introduces the science of responsive desire, which is not only totally normal and healthy, but also a more common way of experiencing desire.
You can take Petra Zebroff's Questionnaire for Turn-on Initiation Preferences here.
If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557 or send a voice memo to emily@pushkin.fm. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show.