#1235 - Doing Away With Punishments & Rewards

What if both punishments and rewards were doing more harm than good? In this thought-provoking episode, Dr. Justin and Kylie Coulson preview a powerful interview with renowned author and social critic Alfie Kohn, whose work challenges everything we thought we knew about behavior, discipline, and motivation. Discover why traditional approaches to parenting might be undermining your child’s moral development—and what to do instead.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"Punishment teaches power. It undermines the possibility of moral growth in children." — Alfie Kohn

KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS:

• Punishments Breed Self-Interest: When children are punished, they focus inward on avoiding pain, not outward on the consequences of their actions for others.

• Rewards Are the Flip Side of Punishments: Offering incentives fosters compliance, not character—and undermines intrinsic motivation.

• Consequences ≠ Learning: Just because something causes suffering doesn’t mean it leads to meaningful growth or moral insight.

• Transactional Parenting Limits Growth: Using "if-then" tactics (do this, get that) stifles empathy and moral reasoning.

• What We Really Want: Kids who do the right thing because it’s right, not because of fear or bribery.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn

• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

• Full interview with Alfie Kohn (airing Saturday on the Happy Families Podcast)

• Website: happyfamilies.com.au

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

1. Reflect on Your Approach: Ask yourself—am I raising a rule follower or a morally grounded child?

2. Minimise External Motivators: Reduce the use of punishments and rewards in everyday parenting.

3. Focus on Conversations: Engage your child in discussions about values, empathy, and the impact of their actions.

4. Model Moral Reasoning: Let your children see you making decisions based on principles, not payoffs.

5. Tune in Saturday: Don’t miss the full conversation with Alfie Kohn for more transformative ideas.

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