Ep 330: How to Validate Your Teen (And When Not To)

Caroline Fleck, author of Validation, explains how to make teens feel deeply understood and supported, highlighting powerful validation tools, avoiding common parenting pitfalls, and uncovering practical strategies to improve teen communication and trust.

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Full Show Notes

We often hear that parenting teenagers is one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences. Is your teen withdrawing, shutting down, or resisting connection? Does it feel like no matter what you say, you're met with silence, frustration, or emotion-driven outbursts? If communication in your household feels increasingly difficult, you're not alone—parents everywhere are struggling to maintain open, positive relationships with their teenagers. What we may not realize is that our well-meaning responses often discourage teens from fully sharing their experiences, pushing them to close themselves off at precisely the time we hope they'll open up.

That's where validation comes in—not vague praise or mere agreement, but true validation that meets teens where they are and makes them feel genuinely seen and understood. It's a powerful technique drawn from psychotherapy, designed specifically to reach even the most resistant individuals. Learning validation can transform your interactions with your teenager, making your communication not just easier and more frequent, but deeper, warmer, and more meaningful.

In today's episode, we're joined by validation expert Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation. Caroline is a practicing therapist and expert in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), the clinical approach that developed these powerful validation techniques to treat the most challenging clients. She shares why validation was such a groundbreaking discovery in psychology—and why every parent can use it to create profound transformations at home.

In our engaging conversation, Caroline introduces the dynamic and practical levels of validation, offering a "validation ladder" technique to help parents authentically relate to their teens' experiences. We discuss common pitfalls, explore why certain ways of communicating with younger children become ineffective—or even counterproductive—as they grow into adolescence, and clarify how validation can be the bridge that adapts along with your teen.

Why Validation Matters for Teens

Validation isn’t just about making teens feel momentarily better—it has tangible, scientifically-backed effects on their emotional health, behavior, and trust. Caroline introduces powerful research that shows teens who anticipate genuine, validating conversations from their parents are likely to be more forthcoming with important details about their lives. Validation communicates that teens' emotions, thoughts, and experiences make sense and are meaningful, which is critical at a developmental stage when acceptance and belonging become extremely important.

To illustrate, Caroline shares insightful experiences from her own clinical practice working directly with teenagers. She demonstrates how stepping into teens' worlds in a validating way builds powerful trust and leads to greater openness—even in teens known for being especially guarded. Surprisingly, this doesn't require heavy conversations—in fact, often doing your nails or chatting about a favorite comic can be the launching pad for deeper trust and connection.

The Validation Ladder

Caroline breaks down her validation framework into different levels—what she refers to as the "validation ladder." From simple attention (being mindfully present) at the lowest rung, to logical understanding at mid-level, and finally to a powerful empathy level where parents disclose and relate emotionally, each rung offers progressively deeper validation.

But Caroline also warns of risks at each stage. For instance, while empathy and disclosure can powerfully connect, too much disclosure or missing the emotional mark can create disconnection. Validation is subtle, with decreasing margin for error as you climb higher on Caroline's ladder—but it has undeniable, life-changing power when you get it right.

Finding the Balance with Teens

Teens are paradoxical. On one hand, they want to be understood as unique individuals; on the other, feeling "normal" and accepted by peers is paramount. Caroline walks us through how parents can walk that fine line—validating the emotional intensity of first-time teen experiences while still helping teens see their responses as understandable and normal.

One of Caroline's favorite tips? The "Caroline Qualifier," a strategic technique that allows parents to validate the uniqueness of a teen's experience without alienating them or trivializing what they are going through. We discuss practical examples of how to implement this while navigating first breakups and intense friendships.

Why "Doing Something" Matters

Sometimes, simply acknowledging feelings verbally isn’t enough. Caroline explains how taking concrete actions can become our most powerful validation tool—clearly communicating to the teen, “I hear you, I value what you're going through, and it's important enough that I'm going to do something about it.” But how do parents decide when to act? Caroline gives critical perspective on when this is helpful, and importantly, when taking action can actually backfire.

She offers practical strategies parents can use to show concretely—without becoming controlling or invalidating—that a teen’s feelings and needs matter enough for concrete steps to be taken.

Powerful Strategies Explored in This Episode:

• How self-disclosure transforms your teen's trust in you
• Proposing and its Jedi mind-trick impact on communication
• Finding the "golden snitch" to reinforce positive behaviors
• When NOT to validate: handling emotional outbursts constructively
• How seemingly small invalidating comments can become lasting negative self-talk

Want to learn simple—but powerful—validation skills that transform your relationship with your teen? Listen to today's episode with Caroline Fleck for expert validation tools, clear guidance on common parenting pitfalls, and real-world strategies you can use today to forge deeper understanding with your teen. Don't forget to subscribe and share Talking to Teens with friends and family who have teens in their lives!

Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.