Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide ERP 511: From Protection to Connection: Healing Shame and Building Secure Connection — An Interview with Dr. Arielle Schwartz
Have you ever wondered why, in the moments you crave connection the most, you suddenly find yourself pulling back or feeling unworthy of love? It's a confusing cycle—wanting deep intimacy yet stumbling over old shame and protective patterns that keep you at arm's length from those who matter most. The echoes of our early relationships can linger, quietly shaping the way we trust, open up, and even interpret simple gestures of kindness. Left unspoken and unexplored, these internal beliefs can create barriers to the very closeness we long for.
In this episode, listeners are invited to take a compassionate look at how shame and childhood experiences impact our sense of self and our present-day relationships. Through real-life examples and insights from trauma and nervous system work, you'll discover why you might struggle with receiving care, how protective behaviors like people-pleasing or withdrawal develop, and, most importantly, how healing and repair are possible within intimate partnerships. The conversation offers practical tools for recognizing these patterns, slowing down your reactions, and using curiosity and acceptance to gently shift toward deeper connection—with yourself and with others.
Dr. Arielle Schwartz is a licensed psychologist and a leading voice in the healing of trauma. She is an internationally sought-after teacher and award winning author of eight books including The Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook, Therapeutic Yoga for Trauma, and Applied Polyvagal Theory in Yoga. As the founder of the Center for Resilience Informed Therapy, she offers a mind-body approach to therapy for trauma and informational mental health and wellness updates through her writing, public speaking, social media presence, and blog. She believes that the journey of trauma recovery is an awakening of the spiritual heart.
Episode Highlights
06:17 Uncovering attachment wounds and realizing childhood patterns in adulthood.
08:41 How shame and unworthiness show up in everyday relationship gestures.
10:59 The deep impact of relational trauma on trust and receiving love.
13:44 Cycles of childhood rejection and their lasting influence in relationships.
17:04 Understanding neuroception: Faulty safety cues and couple dynamics.
23:04 Common protective behaviors that mask shame and hinder true connection.
26:02 How longing to be authentically seen often leads to frustration and anger.
27:46 Facing shame: The role of curiosity, acceptance, and turning toward pain.
34:33 How slowing down and identifying underlying feelings in moments of reactivity allows for more vulnerable communication and understanding between partners.
37:03 Accessing and soothing shame through parts work and somatic awareness.
41:04 The power of presence: Attending to shame somatically and non-judgmentally.
42:57 Supporting partners in their activation: Invitations, patience, and repair.
Your Check List of Actions to Take
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Start noticing moments when you feel unworthy or defensive in relationships, and pause to reflect on what's being activated inside you.
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Practice slowing down your reactions, even if just for a few seconds, to bring curiosity rather than judgment to your responses.
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When you notice shame or discomfort, try labeling it as just one part of yourself—remind yourself it doesn't define your entire being.
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Invite more acceptance for uncomfortable feelings by turning toward them with compassion instead of pushing them away.
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If you're in a reactive moment with a loved one, communicate with phrases like, "Can I run something by you?" or "The story I'm telling myself is…" to clarify your experience.
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Focus on building body awareness—notice where you feel tension, contraction, or the urge to hide, and gently stay present with it.
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When you notice a protective behavior like people-pleasing or withdrawing, ask yourself what underlying need or emotion might be driving it.
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In heated moments with your partner, offer supportive choices like, "How can I best support you right now?" instead of jumping into problem-solving or fixing.
Mentioned
The Polyvagal Theory Workbook for Trauma (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Complex PTSD Workbook (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Post-Traumatic Growth Guidebook (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
The Post-Traumatic Growth Deck (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Therapeutic Yoga for Trauma Recovery (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)
Brene Brown (website)
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) (*Psychology Today) (link)
Polyvagal Theory (website)
12 Relationship Principles to Strengthen Your Love (free guide)
Connect with Dr. Arielle Schwartz
Websites: drarielleschwartz.com | resilienceinformedtherapy.com
Facebook: facebook.com/drarielleschwartz
YouTube: youtube.com/channel/UC5LUxnXbReV7I5cEzvb46sQ
Instagram: instagram.com/arielleschwartzboulder
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/arielle-schwartz-0756b62a