Ep 192: Dads and Daughters

Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her, joins us to talk about the challenges facing dads when it comes to raising teen daughters. Plus, what to do when teens rebel against what we believe in, and how we can create safe spaces for our kids to be vulnerable.

Full show notes

Raising a girl in today’s society comes with so many challenges. Young women are juggling puberty, sexuality, academics, friendships and more, all while trying to navigate the pressures of the online world. The constant presence of social media puts pressure on teens to have the perfect body, the best clothes, and the coolest friends–basically to live an impossibly perfect life! When teens are obsessing over instagram, suddenly wearing crop tops,  fighting with all their friends and declaring that they’re failing chemistry….it can be easy to feel like there’s no possible way to help them get through it all.

To make matters worse, our teen girls aren’t exactly receptive to talking about any of it. As young women inch closer to adulthood, they tend to resent taking any advice from parents, and it seems like everything we say just makes them mad! But just because girls are changing, doesn’t mean we can’t still be an important part of their lives. This week, we’re helping guide you towards having more positive, productive conversations with your daughters, especially during such a critical period in their lives.

Joining us today is Kimberly Wolf, author of Talk with Her: A Dad’s Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters. Although her book focuses on dad-daughter relationships, Kim knows quite a bit about how all parents can cultivate healthy communication with their girls! She’s an educator and speaker who holds both a bachelor’s in gender studies from Brown and a master’s in human development and psychology from Harvard! Her education as well as her own personal experiences growing up as a girl inspired her to dive deeper into the struggles of today’s young women.

In our interview, we’re covering what you can do to maintain a positive relationship with your teen, even when they start to reject the values you raised them with. Plus, what to do when your daughter leaves the house in an outfit that’s a little more revealing than you’re used to, and how you can signal to your kid that you’re open to hard conversations whenever they’re in need of support!

Navigating a Teen’s Changing Identity

Kids are still figuring out who they are, and adolescence is a period of experimentation. Kids are not only forming understandings of sexuality and body image, but also values and spirituality! Although you may have raised your kids to think one way, this adolescent period is when they might begin to diverge from your teachings–and we’ve got to learn to be ok with that, says Kimberly. In the episode, we talk about how kids approaching adulthood are experiencing a tumultuous inner confusion over what to believe and what to value, and how hard it can be on parents.

In particular, many parents can grow frustrated over an adolescent’s religious choices, Kimberly explains. During this period of change, teens question everything: their clothes, their friends, their personality–so why wouldn’t they question their faith as well? Although it can be a pretty emotional topic for parents, Kimberly suggests taking a rational approach, and letting kids find their own religious reasoning. As free-thinking individuals, they’re going to take their own stance on religion anyway, says Kimberly, and trying to force them to conform to what you believe will only drive them further towards rebellion.

If we want kids to follow the same practices that we subscribe to–whether those practices are religious, nutritional, social, etc–Kimberly recommends simply setting an example. Kids are pretty observant, and if you show them how your lifestyle benefits you, they might actually come around to it. In the episode, Kimberly explains how teens tend to drift from the teachings of their parents, but often return to those values later in life.

As young women are going through these rapid changes, they tend to find themselves dressing differently! They’re navigating sexuality and body image, leading to some outfits that can make parents a little uncomfortable. In the episode, Kimberly and I are talking about how we can handle these sudden changes without ostracizing or shaming our daughters.

Are My Daughter’s Clothes Too Revealing??

When we see a teen about to head out with quite a bit of skin showing, it can make us a little nervous. Our head might be swimming with thoughts, worrying about their safety and wondering what people will think. It’s tempting to vocalize these worries to teens as soon as we see them, and we might even want to send them back upstairs to change! But surprisingly, Kimberly recommends against saying anything at all. In her research she’s found that most teens do not react well when parents comment on what they’re wearing.

Instead,  Kimberly encourages parents to do some research! It can be helpful to ask around to other parents, school staff members and other people in the community to see if your teen is dressing in a way that’s particularly out of the ordinary. As she explains in the episode, kids are often dressing this way not necessarily to sexualize themselves, but just to fit in with current trends. Teens tend to cherish the approval of their peers and want to create a curated image on social media, so they often wear these more revealing styles as a way to blend in. 

Although we can be quick to assign these clothes to our teens’ “bad” choices, we also have to realize that our daughters are under intense scrutiny as young women. The pressure to perform, fit in and buy what’s being marketed to them can push them towards dressing this way. Plus, some teens just feel more confident in garments that are more flattering than those which are baggy or loose fitting!

Although we might want to avoid a conversation about clothes, there are plenty of other things that we may want to communicate with our teens about, whether that’s friendships, sexuality, or puberty. And even though teens can sometimes run screaming from these kinds of talks, there are also ways we can help them feel safe being vulnerable.

Helping Teens Open Up

One common thing that can inhibit conversations between parents and teens is the ever changing vernacular teens seem to have about tech, sexuality, fashion, and politics. Parents may not know the definition of words kids throw around when describing their sexual orientation or their political standing. Kimberly says we shouldn’t stress this too much, and if we don’t know what teens are talking about, we should just ask! Prompting our teens to teach us something is a really valuable way to show them that you want to listen, learn, and take the time to care.

In the episode, Kimberly and I talk about a specific scenario parents often find themselves in–when a teen comes to you, telling you that a friend of theirs is in a bad situation. Kimberly explains that sometimes teens are framing this as a friend’s situation instead of their own situation, even when in reality, it’s your teen who’s going through it. This helps them deflect judgment from parents, by removing themselves from the potentially incriminating details of the story. 

If your teen comes to you with...