Dr Emily, an expert on friendships, explains the different types of friends, why they matter, and what makes us like someone. They discuss the power and importance of friendship, the dynamics of friendships, the impact of alcohol on social interactions, making genuine connections, the importance of vulnerability, and future topics such as social anxiety and romantic relationships.
Assuming people will like us leads to more fulfilling relationships, while assuming they won't leads to loneliness.
The human brain is capable of sustaining about 150 relationships at any given time, with different degrees of closeness.
Being authentic, open, and vulnerable fosters deeper connections and determines likability and friendship development.
Deep dives
Adult Friendships and the Importance of Assuming Likability
As adults, friendships do not occur organically like they do in childhood. We need to make deliberate efforts to form adult friendships. Research shows that assuming people will like us leads to more fulfilling relationships, while assuming they won't leads to loneliness. The spotlight effect, where we believe others are constantly judging us, can play a role in social anxiety. It's important to remember that people aren't focused on our every mistake or flaw. To combat social anxiety and make meaningful connections, it helps to assume that people will like us and to focus on being ourselves in social situations.
The Number of Relationships We Can Sustain
According to researcher Robin Dunbar, the human brain is capable of sustaining about 150 relationships at any given time. Within that, there are concentric circles of closeness, with the closest relationships typically being one to two people and the outermost circle representing acquaintances or meaningful contacts. The number of relationships can vary based on personality and age. Mapping out our social networks can help us realize that we may have more relationships than we think.
Navigating Adult Friendships
Making friends as an adult can be challenging, as it requires conscious effort and overcoming social anxieties. Believing that friendships happen by deliberate action rather than luck increases the likelihood of making connections. Overt avoidance, such as avoiding social outings, and covert avoidance, using safety behaviors to prevent anxiety but hindering connection, can impede the formation of adult friendships. It is important to challenge assumptions, assuming people will like us and being open to new connections, as well as being aware of the spotlight effect, where we overestimate how much others notice or judge our behaviors.
Overcoming Friendship Challenges
Friendship challenges can occur when friends drift apart or when social dynamics change. It's important to understand that friendships naturally evolve and that it's okay for relationships to ebb and flow. Communicating openly and honestly with friends can help navigate and maintain friendships. Additionally, understanding that not all friendships will fit within the 150-person social circle can alleviate the pressure to have many close friends. Recognizing the value of different connection levels and appreciating the friendships we have can lead to more fulfilling relationships.
The Power of Vulnerability in Friendships
The podcast episode explores the importance of vulnerability in friendships. It discusses how being authentic, open, and vulnerable with others can foster deeper connections and lead to stronger friendships. The research suggests that it is not about being cool, clever, or funny, but rather about how we make people feel that determines likability and friendship development. The concept of the 'beautiful mess effect' is introduced, highlighting the significance of vulnerability and disclosing struggles in building relationships. The episode emphasizes that friendships don't have to fulfill all our needs but can be categorized into three expectations: someone to talk to, someone to rely on, and someone to have fun with.
The Buffering Effect of Friendships in Romantic Relationships
Another key point discussed in the podcast episode is the role of friendships in romantic relationships. It highlights that relying solely on our romantic partners for emotional needs can lead to disappointment and resentment. Having friendships that fulfill different functions, such as providing support, companionship, and fun, can help buffer the impact of difficulties in romantic relationships. The episode emphasizes the importance of maintaining friendships outside of the romantic relationship and how it contributes to overall well-being and connection.
Monica. Chandler. Rachel. Ross. Phoebe. Joey. We all love Friends. But what about friendSHIPS? Why are our friendships so important to us?
In this episode, Dr Emily explains everything - our different types of friends, why they matter SO much, and what it is about someone that makes us like them? (Spoiler alert: it’s got nothing to do with how impressive they are)
To listen to Will McMahon's Imperfects episode, follow this link: https://bit.ly/3E9qfxF
For book recommendation, 'Platonic, The Surprising New Science of Making and Keeping Friends As an Adult', by Marisa Franco, follow this link: https://bit.ly/45GZU5v
The Imperfects is not a licensed mental health service and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, treatment or assessment. The advice given in this episode is general in nature, but if you’re struggling, please see a healthcare professional, or call lifeline on 13 11 14.
