S3E20: Partnership Building: How the Self-Discovery of Deconstruction Can Impact Relationships

Deconstruction can be an exciting time for folks. We read new books. We explore the world and build relationships with a more diverse group of people.

The world gets bigger. We see numerous amounts of options for living a happy life.

However, especially for folks in long-term relationships, deconstruction can result in some really challenging relationship dynamics.

As we talk about in this week’s episode of Sexvangelicals, individuation, the practice of self-discovery for the sake of learning about oneself, independent of the larger world, can result in quite a bit of relational harm, especially if you and your partner don’t have healthy ways to navigate differences.

And if you grew up in the Evangelical or Pentecostal church, you likely did not learn healthy ways to navigate differences with your partner.

Julia and Jeremiah talk about how self-discovery interfered with our ability to build collaborative dialogue with former partners. 

And we provide ways that you can begin to talk with your partner about the new things that you’re discovering about yourself, without threatening the relationship or trying to protect the other person.

Shared Meaning  (3:50): “Couples, or folks in other relational structures, create shared meaning by developing a purpose or vision for the relationship, which incorporates both individual and joint dreams and goals.” Julia then adds: “Each person in the relationship has a strong individual voice. They have their identity as I or me. The relationship has a voice too. This is the We. In healthy relationships, we can hold on to our autonomy. Without losing the strong, secure foundation of We. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if you grew up in an Evangelical, Mormon, or Pentecostal {EMPish} community.” 

How the Church Skews Rituals (8:00): “The Gottman principle of creating shared meaning through the development and use of rituals, roles, goals, and symbols might be challenging for folks from EMPish communities whose experience with these things were damaging or limiting.” Jeremiah talks about how relationship rituals and symbols may be tough for folks from EMPish communities to create due to a painful callback to the Church’s rituals. Part of the deconstruction process is taking elements the Church may have created painful associations with, such as rituals, and redefining and re-contextualizing them into meaningful and helpful things. 

Christian Marriage Model (19:00): “Here's the script.  A couple meets,  courts each other with the intention of marriage, gets married, and then lives in this codependent state for the rest of their lives. Leaders hold up this enmeshed relational model as the standard of excellence. Enmeshment goes by the name of, quote, unity in these cultures.” Jeremiah offers the script used for EMPish dating which creates unhealthy codependency patterns, Julia then adds: “Within EMPish communities, many folks like me meet, date, and get married within that two to three year window before the bonding ends.”

Differentiation v.s. Individuation (22:00):  

Jeremiah defines: “Differentiation is the active ongoing process of defining self. Revealing self, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation. {Ellen Bader’s Definition).”

Julia defines: “Individuation is the process of individual growth and self-discovery that exists within isolation without any consideration of the myriad of relationships that exist in that person's life.”  

Sacrifice Seesaw (28:00): “Think about this like a seesaw.  In, mutually engaged relationships, differentiated relationships can move like a seesaw in which sacrifice moves back and forth between partners, different seasons of life may require more sacrifice from one person than the other. And we think about not then as a vacuum, but in a greater context, Jeremiah, I like the language that you used around damn the consequences, because what I've heard in pop psychology and what I've heard from friends is exactly that damn the consequences. And while that might be an important step towards self-growth. Well, Damn, the consequences mean that there could be some very real consequences from those choices. And we have to walk into that with some awareness.” Julia discusses how sacrifice in a relationship functions like a seesaw. 

Seeing the Light (36:00): “We see these two dynamics a lot in couples where one or both people are leaving behind religious ideas and communities or are beginning to deconstruct. One person will begin to quote, see the light, so to speak, perhaps they'll have conversations with their partners about it, but in having conversations about it, that injects anxiety and destabilization into the relationship, or perhaps they won't talk about it, as what happened with me and my ex, the decisions that get made about community, faith practices, and communication will become unilateral, will become secretive even.” Jeremiah talks about how when the deconstruction process begins, one partner may be moving more rapidly through that process, leaving their partner behind. 

Ultimatums (41:00): “I started with a differentiated approach in which I wanted to really kindly and sensitively explain my experience to my ex-partner. When he understandably had some difficult emotions arise,  I very, very quickly... moved into that ultimatum space. I didn't give him much time to sit with it. The really challenging situation that we were in. Now, ultimately, we got divorced. And even if I had practiced a more differentiated approach, we still might have ended the relationship. My regret and what I failed to do was to practice this conversation  about other sexual relationships from a differentiated perspective. I said, I'm doing this and you can get on board or you cannot get on board. That is not a healthy relational process.” Julia talks about how offering an ultimatum instead of an ongoing conversation about boundaries and practicing a differentiated approach hurt her and her ex-partner. 

Relationship 101 (48:00): Julia and Jeremiah go through four tips in today’s Relationship 101

#1: “Talk to your partner about your new interests and self-discoveries, or ask your partner about their new interests and self-discoveries.”

#2: “Assess what shared interests still remain.” 

#3: “Find new ways to bond with your partner.”

#4: “Stay calm and patient. Don't panic.”