Defensiveness vs Gaslighting - What’s the Difference & How to Stop Both: Episode 362
Sep 24, 2024
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Delve into the dynamics of defensiveness and gaslighting in relationships. Discover how defensive behaviors can escalate misunderstandings, and learn to distinguish them from the more damaging gaslighting. The discussion emphasizes the importance of emotional safety and effective communication for fostering deeper connections. Listeners are provided with six actionable strategies to reduce both issues, ensuring healthier partnerships. Additionally, two unique 30-day challenges are introduced to enhance communication and strengthen bonds.
Defensiveness often arises from personal insecurities, leading to miscommunication and feelings of invalidation between partners.
Gaslighting is a serious, manipulative behavior that undermines one partner's reality, requiring awareness and, in some cases, professional intervention.
Deep dives
Understanding Defensiveness
Defensiveness is characterized by behavior aimed at avoiding criticism and can arise when individuals feel misunderstood or perceived as under attack. When one partner expresses feelings, the other may react defensively, interpreting the communication as a threat rather than an opportunity for constructive discussion. This defensive stance can lead to a cycle of miscommunication where each partner feels invalidated and their experiences disregarded, thus preventing a healthy dialogue. It is crucial to recognize that defensiveness not only stems from real accusations but often from personal insecurities that cause one to reinterpret feedback negatively.
Clarifying Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a more insidious form of manipulation where one partner causes the other to question their perception of reality, leading to a significant imbalance of power in the relationship. This pattern often starts subtly and escalates over time, with tactics such as denying events or dismissively labeling the other’s feelings as irrational. The term is frequently misused, leading to unnecessary conflict in partnerships, as it raises immediate alarm and casts one partner as a manipulative villain instead of fostering understanding. Recognizing true gaslighting is essential, as it constitutes an abusive dynamic requiring professional intervention for the victim.
The Role of Communication Patterns
Effective communication in a relationship requires both parties to take turns as speaker and listener, promoting an environment of safety and understanding. When discussions devolve into defensive reactions or accusations of gaslighting, both partners may feel unheard and disrespected, leading to further disconnection. To combat these patterns, adopting 'I' statements can help individuals express personal feelings without assigning blame, thereby creating a more constructive dialogue. The importance of listening and validating each other’s experiences cannot be underestimated, as doing so fosters intimacy and connection rather than conflict.
Strategies for Improvement
To ensure healthy communication and diminish patterns of defensiveness and gaslighting, it is beneficial to eliminate the use of clinical jargon during disagreements. Focusing on expressing feelings and needs through clear, personalized requests rather than labels helps to reduce the likelihood of escalating conflict. Additionally, both partners should work on individual self-worth and integrity, creating an environment where criticism feels less threatening and more like an opportunity for growth. By prioritizing emotional intelligence and mutual understanding, couples can maintain connection and reduce the toll of miscommunication.
It’s important for all of us to admit that we have defensive mechanisms and that we do get defensive with our partners at times. Let’s allow ourselves some grace here. Many of you would probably relate to getting even more defensive about getting defensive! It is common to go on the offensive through deflection or blame, which can leave another feeling that their experience is being invalidated.
However that does not mean that someone is being gaslighted. Gaslighting is a much more serious pattern when it is happening, and is a strong accusation to make that can quickly escalate a conversation or conflict. In this episode you will hear the clear distinction between defensiveness and gaslighting so that you can use the terms properly and reduce escalation. By the end of the episode you will hear 6 different actions to take to reduce both defensiveness and gaslighting in your relations. Both of these lead to erosion of connection, love, and emotional closeness.
Relationship Resources:
Join one of the 30 Day Couples Challenges starting Oct 1st, 2024 - select either one with this link: https://www.meetthefreemans.com/challenges. Or see the individual details below:
Level 1 details: “Prioritizing Us” is focused on strengthening your connection, communication, and fun “Love Deposit” ideas. LINKED HERE
Level 2 details : “Rebuilding Us” is focused on repairing and rebuilding after a harder season of marriage. LINKED HERE
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