Playing With Fire

182 Q&A Quickie: What should I do when my partner wants gender-based rules in non-monogamy?

Dec 14, 2024

The hosts tackle the complexities of gender-based rules in non-monogamous relationships, highlighting how these often mask deeper emotional issues. They discuss the roots of jealousy and competition, emphasizing the need to address these feelings rather than applying superficial solutions. The conversation also examines societal programming and its impact on individual comfort with gender identities. Practical steps for transforming rigid rules into authentic agreements foster open communication and emotional growth.

29:42

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Quick takeaways

Gender-based rules in non-monogamous relationships often hide deeper emotional issues like jealousy and competition rather than addressing them directly.

Self-reflection on the roots of jealousy can lead to more authentic relational agreements that better reflect personal values over societal norms.

Deep dives

Understanding Gender-Based Rules

Creating rules based on gender or genitalia in relationships can be inherently problematic. Such rules often stem from complex feelings of competition, jealousy, or confusion regarding partners’ interactions with others of the same gender. The podcast highlights that while these feelings are valid and real, imposing restrictions rooted in gender does not address the underlying emotional issues. Instead, individuals are encouraged to explore their feelings to understand the motivations behind requests for gender-based rules.

Intro

5min

Exploring Gender Identity and Masculinity in Non-Monogamy

3min

Navigating Emotions in Non-Monogamous Relationships

18min

Navigating Jealousy and Gender-Based Rules in Non-Monogamy

2min

Navigating Jealousy and Community Engagement in Non-Monogamy

2min

Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases.

The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by biases and societal programming.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why gender-based dating rules are problematic and what they really represent — How jealousy masquerades as "preference" or "boundaries" in gender-based rules — The role of internalized biphobia and homophobia in creating these restrictions — Why competition fears feel different with different genders (and what that reveals) — The importance of examining where our feelings about gender-based rules originate — How cultural programming influences our comfort levels with different gender expressions — Why agreements based on gender restrictions rarely serve either partner — The connection between bisexual erasure and gender-based relationship rules — Practical steps for working through the jealousy beneath gender-based restrictions — How to move from rigid rules to authentic agreements that serve everyone

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap - A free 20-page ebook for working through relationship jealousy

— Joli’s dissertation: "Triangular Trouble"

— Playing With Fire Episode 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic

— Playing With Fire Episode 151 Justice Jealousy

— Playing with Fire Episode 127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions