118. How Trying to be Calm Gets in the Way of Regulation

Apr 26, 2022

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In this Lessons from the Playroom podcast, Lisa clarifies one of the biggest misconceptions out there right now for parents and therapists - that regulation means being CALM.

...You've likely heard the idea that a child needs a calm adult in order to regulate - that in order to regulate, the adult needs to be and stay calm - or that an adult's "calm" presence is the answer to regulating a child when they are dysregulated.

But if you've ever tried to truly stay calm when a child is activated, screaming, throwing a tantrum, doing something scary, or even shutting down and withdrawing, you know that it's actually really hard to be or stay calm (... nearly impossible) because inside you're likely feeling your own activation and states of dysregulation.

So what do we do instead? ....

Join Lisa is this discussion and learn:

What regulation is and what it isn't (defining regulation in relation to the autonomic nervous system);
How to access our ventral state in the midst of a child's dysregulation;
What regulation (and co-regulation) really looks like in the moment (... hint: it's not to calm them down or try to look calm as the adult to calm them down);
Why regulation is not better than dysregulation (calm is not better than mad or anxious for example) - it's all information and both are necessary for integration and learning how to regulate;
How the impulse to get a child to "calm down" has very little to do with the child and everything to do with us and our inability in the moment to access our ventral state;
The key to not setting ourselves up for shame and helplessness as parents/caregivers and therapists when our children or child clients are dysregulated, flooded, and overwhelmed;
A new definition of emotional intelligence and a new way to cultivate emotional intelligence for children by helping them connect to themselves and access their ventral in the midst of all that activation.

Let's put the word "calm" in the drawer for a little while ... Not forever because calm is an important state of the nervous system and just as important as all the other ones ... But just for a little while because we've become overly attached to the word...

… And consider replacing "calm" with the word "connect." - To connect to ourselves in our own moments of dysregulation and when we're with a child that is starting to get activated and dysregulated.

And next time we read or hear something that says a child needs a calm adult when they're having a hard time or are dysregulated, pause for a second and understand that what a child really needs is an adult that can connect to ventral, to themselves, be honest about their internal experience, not need to runaway from it, but knows how to be in it without losing themselves - not for the adult to pretend they are calm when inside they're having a really challenging time.

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