S6E07: Banned Books: A Well Trained Wife, with Tia Levings, part 1 of 2

"While this story is my own memoir, the situations in this book are far from unique. With me stands a choir of invisible fundamentalist women, too silenced to tell their stories for themselves."

We're honored to have Tia Levings, author of the upcoming book A Well Trained Wife, as our podcast guest this week. Tia shares her research, wisdom, and immense bravery with us; we focus our conversations around:

• How the Evangelical Church is a Microcosm of a Bigger System (12:00): Tia explains: "What happened to me in my little home is a microcosm of what is playing out in our headlines every day. And there are very few people who live behind the scenes who are able to convey that story and demonstrate the subtle ways that it is transforming families, relationships, communities, churches, faith groups."

• Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop (15:00): Julia quotes from Tia: "At any moment, the cup could spill, the glass could break, the arrow could fly. The only way to soothe an angry god is to make sure you tiptoe quietly. To make sure you're pious enough to never break any rule." She reflects, "I remember growing up hearing the sermon from Jonathan Edwards in which he describes humanity as sinners in the hands of an angry god. So, in that quote, you're reflecting the same sentiment."

• Perfectionism (20:00): Julia says, "What a mind fuck to be living in a world in which your depravity is total and perfectionism is expected with the consequences of hell, threatened at any moment in time."

• The Books of the EMPish (26:00): Tia discusses Debbie Pearl's book and its effect on her: "You're holding something that's so horrifying and so relatable. You're living through abuse and the answer is you should still be radiant and you should still smile. And the radiant language comes from fascinating womanhood. I was already trying to cultivate radiance in the face of suffering."

• Tradwife (29:00): Tia says: "If I was a fundamentalist wife today, I would probably have a very large Tradwife account on Instagram. That is probably what I would do because I'm good at honing an image. Nobody has to see what's behind the scenes, but also the secrets that you're really keeping. And you're not necessarily embarrassed that you're keeping them because it's kind of glorified that you would protect your husband's image at all costs."

• Dating Under Purity Culture (32:00): Jeremiah reflects on a picture from his wedding: "The photographer captured the first time in five years that I had taken a breath. And that it's a sense of exhalation, but it's a sense of relief that we survived kind of the gauntlet of dating under purity culture rules."

• Covenant Marriage (33:00): Jeremiah states: "Covenant marriage is church sanctioned domestic abuse."

• Cosigning Misery (37:50): Tia shares: "There are some certain points where it's really hard for me to extrapolate older me and younger me. That's because I can in hindsight see the warning bells much more loudly than I heard them at the time. I was so consigned to misery. I wasn't gonna leave there. I figured my life would be miserable, but I'd accepted that a long time ago. It was harder for me to accept that my children's lives would be miserable. And that ultimately played into our escape."

• The Wellness Industry and Christianity (41:00): Tia says: "Christians find a home in non religious fundamentalism because they're fundamentalists. Same thing happens in the yoga community. Fundamentalism can be in anything because once you realize fundamentalism is not inherently religious, now you can look at it in different expressions. And so I think they piggyback and co opt these movements, because it's comfortable for them. Very similar to politically, how the Catholics and the Evangelicals will get together on abortion. They're not really together. They really do not see themselves as the same kind of Christian, but they'll get together on a single voting issue."

• Assigning Credit to the Higher Power (47:00): Tia shares her escape from her abusive marriage, "In Christianity, especially, where even your accomplishments have to be attributed to your higher power. You didn't do anything on your own power. You, it was all because Christ did it through you, and at that point I realized, no, I'm on me. Christ isn't coming. Nobody's coming to save me, we are about to be another headline and I could see it in my mind because I read People Magazine and they have those headlines of murder, suicides, situations, and we were going to be, I could see the big font and my babies. and I was the only person there to do it. So, I'm not giving that credit to anybody."