The baby decision — how to decide when you can't decide
Feb 8, 2025
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Merle Bombardieri, a licensed clinical social worker and decision coach with extensive experience, delves into the complexities of the baby decision. She explores societal pressures and emotional challenges that couples face, especially in light of modern issues like climate change. Merle introduces a 'chair dialogue' exercise to help individuals reconcile conflicting desires about parenthood. The conversation also touches on the rising acceptance of child-free living and the increasing trend of one-child families, urging listeners to trust their instincts.
Merle Bombardieri emphasizes the importance of open discussions and practical strategies to navigate the anxiety surrounding the decision of parenthood.
Contemporary societal pressures and environmental concerns significantly influence individuals' choices about having children versus remaining child-free.
Deep dives
The Radical Choice of Child-Free Living
In the late 1960s, Merle Bombardieri faced a life-altering decision when her boyfriend proposed marriage, and she declined due to her desire to remain child-free. At that time, societal expectations heavily favored motherhood, making her choice radical and controversial, especially within her family and cultural background. Despite her deep love for Rocco, she recognized the importance of aligning their aspirations for the future, particularly regarding parenthood. This choice initiated a thorough exploration into her feelings about motherhood, reflecting a period of significant internal conflict as she navigated the societal pressures that women faced in that era.
Navigating Parenthood Indecision
Throughout her career, Bombardieri has observed countless individuals and couples grappling with the decision of whether to have children, a dilemma that often leads to overwhelming anxiety. Common concerns include fears about potential regrets, financial security, and the impact on personal identity after becoming a parent. Her experiences highlighted the need for open discussions about the complexities surrounding child-free choices, as well as the importance of recognizing and validating all decisions regarding parenthood. This led her to develop practical exercises and coaching strategies aimed at helping those who are uncertain to clarify their feelings and navigate their options.
Evolving Perspectives on Parenthood
In contemporary discussions about parenthood, Bombardieri notes that environmental concerns and societal expectations significantly shape individuals' decisions today. Many potential parents grapple with fears related to climate change and the emotional burden of raising children in an unpredictable world. Additionally, the phenomenon of 'terror of pregnancy' has emerged, fueled by alarming stories online, creating a new layer of anxiety for women considering motherhood. Despite these challenges, she emphasizes that both choosing to have children and opting to remain child-free are equally valid pathways, underscoring the importance of personal discovery and understanding in this decision-making process.
There are some decisions in life that can be trickier to navigate. Do you want to get married? Should you change careers? Do you want a baby?
Parenthood is a choice more vexed than ever in a world threatened by climate change, political instability and cost-of-living crises.
So how can people approach this choice? And if you're lucky enough to have a choice, how do you make peace with your decision?
Decision coach Merle Bombardieri has been working with couples on this very topic for decades — today, we ask her about the tools, tips and strategies you can use to tackle the baby question.
If you're interested in hearing more about parenthood, check out our episode called Why do we sing to babies?
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