Ep. 34 Break Free From The Anxious & Avoidant Trap

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In this week's episode we are going to discuss how to break free from the anxious and avoidant trap and find people who are more emotionally available.

Question: Since I came across your videos, I often find myself thinking about how to break free from the anxious cycle that plagues my relationships. I make an effort to be clear about my expectations and communicate them openly with my partner, but despite these efforts, things often don't work out due to differing expectations. If this pattern persists, I wonder how I can overcome it and find people to date who are not avoidant.

So let’s talk about how to break free from the anxious cycle in relationships and find people who are emotionally available.

I’m going to get this out of the way, and I feel like it goes without saying. Seek Professional Help Consider seeking therapy or counseling to work through your attachment issues with the guidance of a trained professional. Therapy can provide valuable insights and tools to help you navigate relationships more effectively. Now that everyone feels better because I said that understand that when you are in the comment section telling people you don’t know to go to therapy it’s a bad look for you. Take the time to consider that not everyone has access to therapy, can afford therapy, or resonates with therapy. So for everyone else, there is self-education and personal development which is also very valid and ultimately very empowering.

You can also get a jump start on cultivating self-love by signing up for my 21 Day Self-Love Challenge Introductory Short Course in my Stan store. It’s 5 short videos on the pillars of self-love and a great way to get introduced to some ideas and concepts that you may not have considered yet. At the end of that is a special offer.

What are the steps in finding a more emotionally available partner?

A big first step is cultivating self-awareness and taking time to reflect on your attachment style and past relationship patterns. What did your past relationships not only look like in terms of patterning but what did they feel like to you? Were you under high stress and anxiety that made you feel like you had lost yourself within the confines of this relationship? Understanding the origins of your anxious attachment and recognizing how it affects your interactions and how you relate with others is a massive step in your journey.

Develop Self-Confidence Build your esteem by learning to make yourself a priority again or for the first time. You may have spent your entire life trying to do things for others as a means of being liked by them. All the while never asking yourself if you even liked them, they way they treat you, or the way they talk to you. So ask yourself, do I even really like this person and why? What do you admire about them? How does your body feel around them? How do you feel when you’re apart? Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and challenge self-doubt. Get outside and move your body and remember that you can always take a walk with me! Life weights, do some yoga, chi gong, pilates, or whatever resonates with you but get moving! A simple 20 minute walk with focuses breathing has the power to change your entire day and you can compound that over time. Lean into your hobbies and interests. Those things that you were once able to get lost in for hours that were abandoned for others.

Understand it’s not only ok but necessary to learn to ask for what you want. So, Set Clear Expectations and Identify your needs in a relationship. Communicate them openly and honestly with potential partners to ensure alignment and avoid misunderstandings. It’s also important to mention here to not date someone’s future potential but see them for who they are in this moment. They may never become the person you are picturing in your head of who they will be to you in the future so ask yourself. If they never change, can I love this person as they are today 50 years from now?

A common question that get’s asked….Can you Recognize Avoidant Behavior?  My answer, kinda. You can Educate yourself on avoidant attachment traits and behaviors but here is the caveat to that. Who are you being right now? Are you the most secure version of yourself you’ve ever been or do you already feel butterflies, excitement, and find yourself over thinking everything they say or do while planning for future events and ignoring poor behavior in the present moment that makes you even more anxious and waiting for your phone to light up or ding with the next text message so you can feel seen, heard, loved, and understood but then needing more text messages and attention because you constantly worry if they are going to reject or abandon you not realizing this is the behavior that can lead even secure people to become slightly avoidant and is the self-fulfilling prophecy. So, it goes back to self-awareness. How do you show up in relationships? Can you take ownership of that and recognize that your behavior contributes to potentially negative outcomes in your relationships?

Healthy Boundaries Learn to set and enforce healthy boundaries in your relationships. Boundaries create a sense of safety and respect, fostering more secure connections. This is going to have to be another video on it’s own but do you know your goals, values, standards, and boundaries for a relationship with you can do you honor all of that or allow people to occasionally cross a boundary? There will be time for compromise but that is something that is communicated clearly. When we allow others to bypass our boundaries they will lose respect for you and do it over and over again leaving you feeling less than.

Take Things Slow Allow relationships to develop naturally and resist rushing into commitments. Give yourself time to assess compatibility and emotional availability. This is really the key. What pace do you set for relationships? IF you date people who are in alignment with your goals, values, and standards then setting a pace should be relatively simple. It’s the people who don’t respect that who aren’t for you and sometimes we slip into trying to prove ourselves to keep someone who hits a lot of our preferences but you didn’t realized that if you held your boundary you would get what you want or they would leave and what is for you would come in for you. I also imagine a no is saying yes to something else I just don’t know what that is yet.


Learn from Past Experiences Take lessons from past relationships and use them to grow. Analyze what worked and what didn't, and make adjustments accordingly. Instead of seeing things as happening to you, or this always happens, or I always date avoidants, just learn to extract the lesson. Don’t take it personally. Know what’s for you is waiting for you to learn the lesson so you can level up or rise up to meet them. Imagine if that’s all you really had to do. Take the lesson, assess it, learn from it, grow from it, and not take it personally while knowing what’s for you hasn’t found you yet because you have a little work to do before you can actually see it. Sometimes, it’s going to be what was always right in front of you and other times it’s just right around the next lesson, the next corner. You’re closer than you think.

Remember, breaking free from an anxious attachment pattern is a journey, and finding a secure partner requires effort and self-awareness. You have to Stay committed to personal growth, and with time, you can develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships.