The Kim Constable Podcast How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk and Talk So Your Kids Will Listen - Episode 75
Most people just want to be right.
If you’ve ever paid close attention to how people talk to each other, nobody is actually listening. It’s just a game of right vs. wrong where the “listener” is just waiting for the other person to stop talking so they can talk again.
This is not listening. It’s not even effective communication.
Listening and communication are skills that need to be developed—skills that many adults don’t ever end up mastering.
This gets compounded when we become parents. If we haven’t learned how to effectively communicate by the time we have children, we then make it damn near impossible for our children to learn and master these skills. It becomes a vicious cycle that makes relationships exhausting and hard.
You’ve heard me discuss how many of our issues actually stem from our childhood. This is no different.
As a child, I grew up in a very authoritarian household. My parents were my parents, not my friends. We were spanked, shouted at, and punished — we even had a naughty step and went to a boarding school. I never felt understood or listened to. I spent much of my childhood rebelling and doing whatever I could to be the exact opposite of my parents (which is actually what most children do when their parents aren’t effective communicators).
I craved acceptance and individuality but didn’t receive those things from my parents. But I vowed to be the total opposite of them and have spent my entire adult life seeking and learning how to do better, especially for my own kids.
I have never punished my children. They’ve never been shamed, shouted at, talked down to, or suppressed. I ask them questions and nurture their individuality. I teach them how to seek answers for themselves.
And most importantly? I accept them for who they are, and they know and feel that every single day.
If every parent can learn these important skills, we will witness a massive transformation in future generations.
In this podcast, I will teach you exactly how to listen so your kids will talk and talk so your kids will listen. And in turn, your kids will have the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships at every level.
Listen closely as I share the following strategies (and examples) that you can implement immediately in all of your relationships. But know this: it’s not enough for you to simply listen and read these strategies. You must actively apply them in your life every chance you get.
Strategies to have a better relationship with your kids:
- Use “It seems/sounds like…” questions to establish what they want.
- Ask “why” questions.
- Ask, “What would be the downside if you didn’t get it?” (this identifies the REAL problem)
- Ask, “Why do you need it to be that way?” (this establishes the emotional attachment)
I really hope you enjoy this episode!
Love Kim xo
Reference List:
- 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. By Jordan Peterson (https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/0345816021)
- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It. By Chris Voss (https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=pd_sbs_1?pd_rd_w=azkBS&pf_rd_p=2419a049-62bf-452e-b0d0-ca5b7e35a7b4&pf_rd_r=D9X021W76JTC7EZ9WRT0&pd_rd_r=4e924ada-04ae-4b0c-a73d-905db63c74f8&pd_rd_wg=Oc2qc&pd_rd_i=0062407805&psc=1)
QUOTES USED:
“Whenever we punish and control our children, we teach them that a part of themselves is bad, so then they fragment themselves into two different people.”
“Children are not stupid. They know that the reason we’re trying to control them is to make our lives easier.”
“ Kids will fight to the death for you to hear them.”
“If you learn to communicate better with your child, you will model communication skills for them, and they will naturally learn how to do conflict-resolution, ask for what they want, how to negotiate, and how to have conversations without fighting.”
“If you ever want to understand someone or have a better relationship with someone, you first step into their world, try them on, and then invite them back into yours.”
“If you force your need to be right onto your children, you’ll teach them to do this in relationships.”