I Love Them, But I'm Not In Love With Them (Re-release)
Aug 22, 2023
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This podcast explores the complexities of the phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' in intimate relationships. It delves into the interplay between thoughts and emotions, the influence of romanticized myths on our beliefs about love, and the importance of understanding desire. It also discusses navigating love after trauma, the mystery and nuances of love expression, and the challenges of doubts in a relationship.
Love in relationships is a complex and evolving experience that requires commitment, trust, and nurturing over time.
When faced with the feeling 'I love them, but I'm not in love with them,' open and honest communication, self-reflection, and seeking professional support can help navigate the complexities of emotions and dynamics.
Deep dives
Complexity of Love in Relationships
Love in relationships is a complex and evolving experience, and the statement 'I love them, but I'm not in love with them' often needs to be unpacked. Our cultural notion of love emphasizes the excitement of falling in love, but we tend to overlook the importance of commitment, trust, and cultivating love over time. Love is not a constant state of passion and enthusiasm; it changes as relationships deepen and evolve. Understanding the neurophysiology of love can help us navigate shifts in desire and intimacy. It's important to explore our motivations and expectations in relationships and communicate openly with our partners about our needs and desires. However, it's crucial to remember that each individual's experience of love is unique, and comparison with external standards or narratives can create unnecessary pressure. Ultimately, the quality of a relationship is determined by the mutual care, support, and growth that partners experience together.
Navigating the Thought 'I Love Them, but I'm Not in Love with Them'
When confronted with a thought like 'I love them, but I'm not in love with them,' it is essential to approach it with care and curiosity. Instead of making it solely the partner's problem, it's crucial to engage in open and honest communication. Rather than making sweeping declarations, focus on engaging in a shared exploration of feelings and experiences. Questions that promote reflection and understanding can be helpful, such as identifying what may be hindering enthusiasm in the relationship and considering external factors impacting energy and desire. It's important to be patient with oneself and the relationship and to seek professional support, such as individual therapy or couples counseling, that can offer guidance and help navigate the complexities of emotions and dynamics.
Assessing Relationship Quality and Considerations
Assessing the quality of a relationship goes beyond comparing experiences to external standards. It involves reflecting on how seen, valued, and cared for one feels in the relationship, as well as the ability to support each other's dreams and growth. Communicating with concern, gentleness, and maintaining a safe and enjoyable erotic connection are crucial factors. Alignment in future visions as individuals and as a couple is another important aspect to consider. However, it's significant to note that not every relationship is meant to last, and if efforts to work through issues have been made but proved unsuccessful, it may be a sign that the relationship has run its course and that it's time to consider moving on.
Love as an Ever-Changing and Renewable Resource
Love is not a fixed state but an ever-changing and renewable resource. It requires effort, cultivation, and patience. Understanding that love evolves over time due to neurophysiological changes can help manage expectations and fears. Recognizing the potential impact of past experiences or traumas on one's ability to fully engage in a relationship can provide insight and understanding. While enthusiasm and desire may ebb and flow, it's essential to focus on ways to nourish and nurture intimacy and connection. Expressing needs, exploring motivations, and seeking professional support can help navigate the complexities of love in relationships.
Has someone every said this phrase to you? Have you ever said it to someone else? In this re-release of a foundational episode, Dr. Alexandra explores why the statement "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is so complicated and what might actually be lying beneath these words in the context of an intimate relationship.
Pre-order Dr. Alexandra's new book, Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices To Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive:
