#104: Using Her in His Addiction

In this episode, we talk about something that is fairly common yet rarely discussed: when he uses her as a part of his addiction. I'm listening to the episode right now (as I type the show notes), and I am on edge. It's an important conversation and also hard to have. Thanks for being brave and joining us for this episode.

I start by sharing how important it is for there to be sexual separation for her early on in the recovery process because we can get so tangled up (as women) when sexual intimacy continues early on in the recovery process, which makes boundaries and coming back to ourselves a challenge. This is something we, as professionals, need to ask more frequently. Unfortunately, there is a lot of misguided and outdated information out there stating that once his sexual energy isn't expended outside the marriage, he and she can enjoy that inside the marriage. This is a problem, as it's simply a transfer of the sexual energy from outside the marriage to inside the marriage, but not in a healthy way. Jason and I talk through this for the first 20 or so minutes, and then I come back to this question:

First Question - How do we know if this is happening in the marriage?

• Pressure from him to be sexual.

• Pressure from within herself / Do you (she) feel obligated?

• If the sexual intimacy feels disconnected from the other forms of intimacy.

• If she feels objectified, focus on more, and/or a cavalier attitude around sexual intimacy.

• 1:1 transfer from the infidelity to the relationship.

Second Question - What does she need to work on so that she can set boundaries and create space pertaining to sex in the marriage?

• Talk to someone about it.

• Using the 'enough is enough' muscle - we can't save him.

• Fortitude - strength under pressure.

• Getting honest about what she is experiencing in her body.

See the links below for everything mentioned + more!

We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8.

• I mention Episode #19 (Sexual Abstinence in the Recovery Process), Episode #43 (Pressure to Have Sex) and Episode #80 (The Shame She Experiences).

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