265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) [replay]

If you want a thriving, connected sex life with your partner, but feel like something's in the way ... it could be sexual trauma.

The fact is, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are survivors of child sexual abuse. To put that in perspective, that's 42 million women and 21 million men in the US alone.

The bad news? We don't talk about this nearly enough, so it can feel overwhelming and scary to address. The good news? It is addressable, and no matter who you are or what happened, you can have a beautiful, connected, and deeply fulfilling sex life. It just takes some work to get there.

Here we talk about how you, as a man who has sex with women, can identify the signs that a partner may have a sexual trauma background

If you've ever been with a partner who seems to check out during sex (disassociates), tends to avoid sex altogether, or has certain triggers (like certain lighting or movements on your part that cause her to tense up), it could be this.

We also talk about how to bring it up and talk about it in a way that feels safe and welcoming. It's a sensitive topic and it takes a lot of trust for a woman to tell you this is part of their history (and vice versa — it takes a lot of trust for you, as a man, to let her know if you're a survivor). Knowing more about how to respond well and help to lead and guide the conversation will only help you expand and embody the healthy masculine.

A vital truth is that if your wife or girlfriend is a survivor of sexual trauma (child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault), it affects your sex life — meaning it impacts both of you. We also discuss how you can support your woman and also address your own sexual needs (without coming off as ignorant or insensitive).

Because when it comes down to it, we all want to love one another as best we can. And sex is a big part of that.

Books referenced in this episode:

• Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine & Ann Frederick

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine & Gabor Mate

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