David Finch, a man with autism, shares his challenges navigating marriage as a neurotypical husband. His list of 'best practices' helped save his marriage. When his wife expressed wanting to be 'unmarried,' Dave embraced the idea for the sake of their relationship. The podcast delves into their journey of rediscovering happiness and redefining their partnership.
Embracing adaptability and understanding differences in relationships lead to personal growth.
Allowing individual happiness and supporting personal growth can strengthen a marriage.
Deep dives
Dave's Overpowering Need for Order and Predictability
Dave Finch struggled with an overpowering need for order and predictability, which caused tensions in his marriage. He would spiral into panic if routines were disrupted, leading to conflicts with his wife. A diagnosis of Asperger's, an autism spectrum disorder, changed everything. Dave began to understand how his brain worked differently and realized that predictability was crucial for him. He came up with a list of rules to be a better partner, such as being present with the kids and listening to his wife. Through this process, Dave learned the importance of adaptability and changed his perspective on being a husband.
Kristen's Revelation: Unmarrying and Unmanaging Energy
Kristen, Dave's wife, introduced the concept of 'unmarrying' and detaching from the constant management of Dave's energy. She wanted Dave to take responsibility for his own happiness and find joy outside of the marriage. Kristen started focusing on her own well-being, engaging in activities that brought her joy. Dave struggled to adapt to this new dynamic, feeling lonely and abandoned at times. However, he eventually realized the benefits of allowing each other to flourish individually and supporting each other's happiness.
Navigating the Gray Areas and Letting Go of Rules
Dave had to learn to navigate the gray areas of their relationship and ease up on his obsession with rules. Initially, it was challenging for him, as he wanted clear parameters and control. However, he gradually embraced uncertainty and decided to let go of strict expectations. He discovered the freedom of not needing everything to fit a specific mold. By adopting a more flexible mindset, Dave experienced personal growth and a deeper appreciation for the joys of their marriage.
Today we’re sharing the latest episode of Modern Love, a podcast about the complicated love lives of real people, from The New York Times.
Anna Martin, host of the show, spoke to David Finch, who wrote three Modern Love essays about how hard he had worked to be a good husband to his wife, Kristen. As a man with autism who married a neurotypical woman, Dave found it challenging to navigate being a partner and a father. Eventually, he started keeping a list of “best practices” to cover every situation that might come up in daily life – a method that worked so well he wrote a best-selling book on it.
But almost 11 years into his marriage, Kristen said she wanted to be “unmarried.” Dave was totally thrown off. He didn’t know what that meant, or if he could do it. But he wasn’t going to lose Kristen, so he had to give it a try.
For more episodes of Modern Love, search for the show wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop Wednesdays.
Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
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