Why Do Couples Seem To Fight More When They Become Parents?
Aug 17, 2023
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This podcast delves into the challenges couples face when becoming parents, including miscommunication and differing perspectives. The importance of understanding and acceptance in relationships is emphasized. Conflict dynamics, aligning actions with family values, and the impact of 'why' vs 'how' communication are also explored.
34:33
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Quick takeaways
Navigating the early stage of parenting together sets the stage for the quality of the relationship moving forward.
Replacing accusatory 'why' questions with open 'how' questions fosters curiosity and open communication in couples.
Deep dives
The Challenge of Parenting Partnerships
The podcast explores the challenges faced by couples who are parents. The early stage of being parenting partners, particularly from zero to five years old, can be intense and difficult, leading to miscommunication and feelings of not being understood. Couples in this stage are trying to figure out how to navigate parenting, and they may either continue to have productive conflict or avoid conflict altogether. This stage sets the stage for the quality of the relationship moving forward, and couples who can navigate this stage together have a better chance of a fulfilling relationship in the long run.
Differing Perspectives and Values
The podcast discusses how different caregiving experiences and individual histories impact a couple's perspective on parenting. Each partner comes with their own desires to either replicate or change their own caregiving experiences. This can create intense disagreements about what is best for their children. Partners may have different levels of comfort with various emotions, such as anger or enjoyment, which can lead to friction and misunderstanding. Understanding each other's perspectives and values is crucial for finding common ground and aligning on what is best for the children.
Moving Towards Alignment
The podcast suggests that partners need to have conversations about what they consider to be the best for their children. They need to discuss how they want to approach various situations, even if they don't agree on every point. The key is to find ways to borrow each other's strengths and find a middle ground that aligns with their shared vision of parenting. It is important to recognize that implementation may look different for each partner, but focusing on the 'how' rather than the 'why' can help foster understanding and curiosity instead of defensiveness.
Replacing Why with How
The podcast emphasizes the importance of replacing accusatory 'why' questions with more open 'how' questions. Instead of asking why someone did something, asking how things came to be or how a decision felt like a good idea can foster curiosity and open communication. This shift in language can make discussions feel less intense and oppositional. Understanding each other's perspectives, exploring the history that shapes individual values, and finding shared vision are essential for navigating the challenges of parenting together.
Sometimes being in a couple relationship and being parents just feels so hard!! Why does parenting introduce a new level of hard into couple relationships. Stephen Mitchell, PhD and Erin Mitchell, MACP tell you why.
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