How to be Strong Enough to Make the Really Big Changes
Oct 3, 2023
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In this podcast, Janet Lansbury offers insights and strategies for parents facing challenges in changing habits and routines with their children. She discusses the guilt cycle parents experience and the importance of being a strong and kind leader. The podcast also covers communication and coping with changes in children's TV habits, the significance of firm boundaries, and fostering independence and finding joy in parenting.
28:23
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Quick takeaways
Creating a trusting relationship and involving children in decision-making can make it easier to implement changes.
Focusing on the present and believing in our ability to make decisions out of love can overcome parental guilt and regret.
Deep dives
Bolstering Ourselves to Make Big Changes
As parents, we often need to make changes with our children that they may strongly object to. This could include changing certain habits or routines, such as reducing TV time and encouraging more independent play. It can feel overwhelming and sometimes impossible to make these changes, especially when we are tired or the current habits provide short-term convenience. However, finding the energy to cope with the initial difficulties and having the conviction that these changes are in the child's best interest is key. Building trust with our children by being clear about the changes and involving them in the decision-making process can also make the transition easier.
Conviction and Trusting the Process
As parents, it is natural to feel guilt and regret about not implementing certain parenting practices earlier. However, dwelling on the past only hinders our ability to make positive changes going forward. Instead, we should focus on starting each day fresh and believing in our ability to make decisions that are in our children's best interest. Developing conviction in our choices and seeing ourselves as heroes who are making difficult decisions out of love can help to overcome the guilt cycle. Communicating honestly with our children, involving them in the decision-making process, and acknowledging their feelings can also strengthen the connection and make it easier for everyone to adapt to the changes.
Embracing Independent Play and Trusting Abilities
Encouraging independent play in children can be challenging, especially if they are used to constant attention and struggle to be alone. It is essential to unlearn feelings of failure or inadequacy as parents. Instead, focus on recognizing the love and passion we have for our children and the importance of setting boundaries that support their growth. Providing clear boundaries and communicating honestly about our needs can help children understand and accept the changes. While it may take time for them to adapt and express frustration, it is essential to trust their ability to navigate their feelings and learn the value of independent play. By creating a safe space for them to experience and express various emotions, we can gradually ignite their love for independent time and play.
Our young kids are adaptable, so it's always possible for us to change routines, rules, and behavior patterns that we decide are no longer beneficial for us or them. Problem is, our kids are bound to object— loudly, vociferously, perhaps relentlessly—when these changes aren't their idea (which they seldom are). Our new plan may be met with whining, crying, screaming, even tantrums. And since we've played a central role in allowing our family's habits to take root, it’s natural to feel uncertain or even guilty for introducing new boundaries. As an insightful parent concerned about her children's excessive TV use writes: “Though I fully believe that changing our strategies and habits will improve our lives and relationships, taking these steps is so hard that I find myself just doing the usual thing and beating myself up about it instead of doing anything different.” Another parent writes that she feels trapped by her toddler's refusal to play without her presence, but she's afraid to make changes because she's uncomfortable with upsetting him: “I feel I’m stumbling and, in the process, feel myself losing the joy of parenting.” Janet offers ideas for helping parents find the perspective and strength they need to make changes for the better.
Learn more about Janet's "No Bad Kids Master Course" at: NoBadKidsCourse.com.