Charisma isn't just for extroverts or performers—it's a scientific advantage that determines how often you're invited, trusted, and remembered. In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ Harbinger and Johnny Dzubak reveal why people decide how they feel about you before they evaluate your skills, and how this hidden force might be keeping you from the promotions and relationships you deserve.
Through the story of their client Brett—a high-performer who was passed over for promotion despite working harder than everyone else—AJ and Johnny break down why being skilled isn't enough when you're perceived as "cold and unapproachable." They share three counterintuitive, science-backed techniques that transformed Brett from invisible to magnetic in both his professional and social circles.
If you've ever wondered why colleagues with average skills get all the credit, or why you keep hearing you're "great at what you do" but still feel invisible, this episode reveals the subtle signals of warmth and connection you might be missing.
[00:00:00] Opening introduction to the hidden force of charisma [00:02:54] How charisma opens doors and makes everything easier [00:05:36] Why warmth is judged before competence (Princeton research) [00:07:37] The "processing face" problem that makes you seem unapproachable [00:08:31] How avoiding side conversations kills career opportunities [00:10:53] The Pratfall Effect: How small mistakes make you more likable [00:11:55] The Reflective Label Technique: Mirroring emotions to build connection [00:13:30] The Benjamin Franklin Effect: Why asking for help raises your status[00:16:41] Three-step challenge to boost your charisma this week
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People judge your warmth before they judge your skills—without warmth, your competence won't matter
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Mirror neurons fire when we converse, creating shared emotional states that build connection
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The "processing face" problem: When you're thinking deeply, your expressionless face makes others uncomfortable
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The Pratfall Effect: Competent people become more likable when they reveal a small flaw or vulnerability
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Reflective labeling shows emotional fluency and makes people feel deeply understood
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The Benjamin Franklin Effect: Asking for advice activates others' investment in you and raises your status
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Small acts of vulnerability build more authentic connections than maintaining a "mask of competence"
The Art of Charm Social Intelligence ProgramLooking to quickly improve your social intelligence with support from AJ, Johnny, and their team? Check out the Art of Charm Social Intelligence Program at intel.theartofcharm.com. A quick application gets you on board.
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In your next conversation, start by sharing a small vulnerability or flaw
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When they respond, label the emotion you hear in their story
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Before leaving, ask for advice (not feedback or validation)
Try all three in one conversation and report back what changed, who opened up, and what surprised you.Email AJ your results
What to Listen ForEpisode Takeaways:A Word From Our SponsorsThis Week's ChallengeCheck in with AJ and Johnny!
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The Art of Charm