Explore the intriguing philosophy of parenting that emphasizes individuality over parental identity. Delve into how a child’s achievements or failures are not a reflection of their parent’s worth. Discover the importance of unconditional love and acceptance, encouraging parents to support their kids as unique individuals. This approach promotes healthy relationships, freeing parents from the burden of associating their identity too closely with their children’s lives.
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question_answer ANECDOTE
Stilpo's Daughter
The philosopher Stilpo's daughter had a bad reputation, the reason for which is unknown.
It could have been deserved or a minor etiquette violation.
insights INSIGHT
Kids Are Individuals
Children are individuals, and their successes or failures don't reflect on their parents.
Parents should love and support their children unconditionally, regardless of their achievements.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Detach Your Identity
Don't link your children's actions or social status to your own identity or expectations.
Let kids be themselves without added pressure, offering consistent love and support.
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The philosopher Stilpo of Megara had a daughter who had a bad reputation. We don’t know what for, it could have be deserved or it could have been one of those ridiculously minor violations of etiquette that the ancient world was so obsessed about. They weren’t exactly shy about double standards back then, especially when it came to women.
But that’s beside the point. Someone once tried to shame Stilpo for his daughter’s reputation. His reply is worth noting: “She is not more a disgrace to me than I am an honour to her.”
This might seem like a detached or un-fatherly thing to say, but it is in fact, the healthiest and most respectful approach for a parent to have. Your kids are their own people. If they succeed and go to a great college and make a lot of money, that’s because they worked hard and got there. It doesn’t really say anything about you. If they mess up, it’s because they messed up. It doesn’t say you’re a bad father. The same goes for your successes and your failures—your kids aren’t extra special or important just because you’re great at your job. Your kids are no less important or special because you’re out of work or struggling.
Yes, of course, we’re all working together and as a parent, it’s your responsibility to care for them, love them, provide for them, and teach them the right lessons. But don’t associate what they do, what they wear, whether they’re the cool kid at school or a little awkward, with yourself. And don’t assume that just because you’re you that that somehow raises or lowers expectations for them.
Life is hard enough for a kid out there. Don’t make it harder. Don’t add extra pressure. Let them be their own people. Love them the same, always, no matter what happens or how things go.
The Daily Dad