Lucy Sante, a celebrated writer and cultural critic known for her insightful views on the demimonde, shares her journey of self-discovery in her latest memoir, “I Heard Her Call My Name.” She discusses the transformative nature of gender identity and the importance of embracing one's true self. Sante reflects on the influence of language as a tool for personal exploration, her literary evolution, and the challenges of navigating critique in the literary world. Through candid anecdotes, she illustrates the delicate interplay of identity, freedom, and authenticity.
Lucy Sante's exploration of gender identity highlights the internal struggles and societal pressures that delayed her self-acceptance for decades.
The transformative use of technology acted as a catalyst in Sante's journey, allowing her to visualize and embrace her true self for the first time.
Mentorship from Barbara Epstein played a crucial role in empowering Sante to voice her identity and navigate her complex experiences as a writer.
Deep dives
The Journey of Self-Discovery
For over 55 years, the speaker lived in a state of denial regarding their gender identity, oscillating between indulgence and repudiation. They experienced periods of fantasizing about living as a woman but often dismissed these thoughts as mere transvestite fantasies or fetishistic urges. During this time, gender questions remained fragmented in their mind, causing a lack of coherence in understanding their identity. The internal conflict prevented a clear acceptance of their desires and led to a prolonged struggle with self-identity.
Cracking the Egg
The metaphorical moment of 'cracking the egg' represents a significant turning point in the speaker's journey toward embracing their true identity. This awakening occurred when they experimented with an app that transformed their appearance into that of a woman, revealing an image that resonated deeply with them. For the first time, they could visualize what they had often fantasized about, leading to a powerful realization of their desire to live authentically as a woman. This experience catalyzed a series of steps towards transition, experiencing freedom and self-acceptance that had been long suppressed.
The Impact of Societal Norms
Growing up in the 60s and 70s, the speaker felt increasingly alienated due to societal expectations surrounding gender and sexuality. At a time when being gay was already seen as other, they feared that transitioning would further isolate them and jeopardize their romantic connections. This deep-rooted sense of shame and fear of rejection permeated their life and influenced their choices, leading to delaying their transition until later in life. The societal constructs at the time made it challenging for them to fully embrace their identity until they found the courage to confront these external pressures.
Mentorship and Transformation
The influence of a mentor, Barbara Epstein, was pivotal in the speaker's development as a writer and as a person navigating complex identities. She empowered them to recognize their voice and authority, allowing them to express their opinions freely in writing, which contributed to their eventual self-acceptance. This relationship highlighted how mentorship can provide critical insight and support, particularly for individuals grappling with feelings of inferiority and invisibility. With Barbara's encouragement, they learned to embrace their experiences and perspectives, using them as a foundation for their writing.
Embracing Authenticity
As the speaker navigated their transition, they expressed relief and pride in finally living their truth, asserting that identity is not a static event but an ongoing process. They recognized the challenges and complexities of this journey, acknowledging that transitioning involved continual personal growth and self-exploration. In sharing their experiences, they hope to inspire others facing similar struggles and emphasize the importance of accepting one’s true self, regardless of societal expectations. Ultimately, they convey that the act of coming into one’s own is a profound liberation that leads to true freedom.
Renowned writer, cultural critic, and scholar of the demimonde Lucy Sante joins to discuss her career and a new memoir, “I Heard Her Call My Name,” reflecting on her transition and self-actualization in her sixties.
