154: The 5 Principles of Parenting: with Dr. Aliza Pressman
Jan 23, 2024
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Dr. Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist and podcast host, discusses her new book, 'The Five Principles of Parenting,' with Dr. Lisa and Reena. They explore the importance of building a close relationship with children and instilling values like kindness and compassion. The concept of martyr moms is discussed, challenging societal expectations of motherhood. They also highlight the need for autonomy supportive parenting and finding the balance between freedom and rules.
Co-regulation is essential for emotional regulation and can be developed over time to help children manage their emotions and develop their own regulatory capacities.
Finding the right balance between allowing autonomy and maintaining appropriate boundaries is crucial for parenting during the transition from having more control to having less control over children's lives.
Deep dives
Principle of Co-Regulation for Emotional Regulation
One of the key principles discussed in the podcast is the concept of co-regulation for emotional regulation. The podcast emphasizes that when a child's emotions seem out of whack, it is important for parents to first regulate themselves. By remaining calm and composed, parents can help their children borrow their regulated nervous system, providing a sense of safety and stability. Co-regulation is emphasized as an essential tool to support children in managing their emotions and understanding that the situation is not an emergency. The podcast highlights that co-regulation is a skill that can be developed over time, helping children develop their own emotional regulatory capacities.
Transitioning from Controlling to Less Control
The podcast addresses the challenge of transitioning from a phase of having more control as a parent to a phase of having less control. As children grow up and assert their individuality, parents may find it difficult to navigate their changing roles. The podcast suggests reflecting on this natural and evolving development and considering how much freedom is acceptable and important. It is emphasized that even as children gain more independence, there is still a need for rules and guidance to provide a sense of structure and safety. Finding the right balance between allowing autonomy and maintaining appropriate boundaries is highlighted as a key aspect of parenting during this transition.
Overcoming the 'Martyr Mom' Phenomenon
The podcast explores the concept of the 'martyr mom,' where mothers feel the pressure to sacrifice everything for their children. The speaker challenges the belief that self-sacrifice is the key to being a good mother and highlights the importance of finding a balance that includes self-care and personal fulfillment. It is discussed that constantly putting oneself last may not be beneficial for the child, as they may feel burdened by the pressure to always fulfill their parent's needs. Encouraging mothers to prioritize their own well-being and modeling self-compassion and self-care is presented as a healthier approach to parenting.
Defining 'Good Humans' in Parenting
The podcast delves into the concept of raising 'good humans' and establishes that there is no specific formula or ideal definition for what it means. It is emphasized that each parent has their own values and visions for what they consider to be a 'good human.' The importance lies in identifying and aligning with one's own values and intentions for parenting. The podcast suggests reflecting on personal values and engaging in discussions with children to uncover the core values important to each individual and the family. The focus is on nurturing close, connected relationships, fostering self-reflection, emotional regulation, setting appropriate rules, and fostering repair within the family dynamic.
Special guest Dr. Aliza Pressman, developmental psychologist and podcast host, discusses her new book, "The Five Principles of Parenting," with Dr. Lisa and Reena. Dr. Pressman introduces five key components of helping children thrive: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair. While there is no such thing as a perfect approach to parenting, Dr. Pressman explains why giving thought to one’s personal values can help you and your kids navigate difficult moments. This episode also addresses how adults can help kids regulate their emotions, build independence, and become good humans.