Jillian's story of the questions that led to her stepping away, and the Spirit that brought her back
May 11, 2025
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Jillian Deaton, a professional ASL interpreter renowned for her work alongside artists like Taylor Swift, shares her deeply personal journey of faith and doubt. She candidly discusses the emotional turmoil she faced in 2020, grappling with her beliefs while navigating racial and LGBTQ+ issues within the church. Jillian highlights the immense value of community support during crises, revealing how such connections can spark transformation and resilience in the face of adversity.
The speaker explores the profound impact of community support on her faith journey, emphasizing its vital role in overcoming personal struggles.
She reflects on the internal conflicts faced while balancing her beliefs against the backdrop of institutional discrimination within the church.
Her journey illustrates the importance of personal agency in faith, highlighting that struggles can lead to deeper understanding and growth.
Deep dives
Personal Background and ASL Career
The speaker shares her journey as a professional ASL interpreter, highlighting how this role is deeply intertwined with her identity. She reflects on her upbringing in Mesa, Arizona, where she was active in the church and describes her family dynamics, including meeting her husband through a blind date. Their shared connection to ASL enriched their relationship, especially as her husband's family also includes deaf members. Through various interpreting gigs, from large concerts to intimate doctor appointments, she showcases the diversity and challenges of her career.
Faith Struggles During the Pandemic
The onset of COVID-19 and the associated lockdowns led to significant shifts in the speaker's faith and emotional health. Restricted church gatherings in Seattle made her realize how vital a church community is to her spiritual well-being, triggering feelings of anger and frustration towards institutional discrimination and church leaders. The speaker discusses her growing disconnection from the church due to the heightened awareness of social injustices she experienced while living in a progressive environment. She acknowledges the internal conflict between her faith and the teachings of church leaders, leading to a deeper struggle with her identity and beliefs.
Navigating a Difficult Move to New York City
After relocating to New York City, the speaker faced an array of challenges, including a shocking apartment situation filled with pests and maintenance issues. The strain of starting anew in a community where she felt unrecognized compounded her feelings of isolation. During a severe water leak in her apartment, members of her ward stepped up to support her, demonstrating the power of community and reminding her of the importance of connection. This experience helped her re-evaluate her faith and community ties, leading to a pivotal moment in her life.
Journey of Doubt and Rediscovery
As her husband expressed doubts about their shared faith, the speaker found herself in a pivotal moment of introspection and emotional turmoil. She dedicated herself to studying her beliefs, culminating in a profound spiritual experience that reaffirmed her faith in the Book of Mormon and the Restoration. The emotional journey involved grappling with her husband's skepticism while seeking her own understanding of faith and spirituality, which ultimately led to a renewed commitment to her beliefs. This process highlighted the significance of personal agency and the power of individual testimony in shaping spiritual journeys.
Hope, Healing, and Continuing Growth
The speaker emerged from her struggles with renewed determination, recognizing the cyclical nature of faith and personal growth. Her experiences taught her to acknowledge that setbacks do not equate to failure but are essential for learning and progression. She now shares her testimony of the importance of seeking personal truth and understanding, encouraging others to embrace the constant journey of faith. The speaker emphasizes the value of vulnerability in sharing one's story, stating that openness leads to healing and fosters connection among communities.
"I studied and I prayed and I screamed at God and I sobbed in the shower when you realize you don't know what you believe anymore and that potentially everything that you have believed and you've built your life on and you've built your eternity. , when that's suddenly gone. You are like, I don't know who I am., I just felt like I was in just absolute misery. I didn't know what was up. I didn't know what was down. I knew that I was a good person. I knew I had values, I knew that he had values and was a good person, but I needed structure, I needed direction.
