569: Rob Henderson - Luxury Beliefs, Foster Care, Social Class, Self-Discipline, Ivy League Universities, External vs. Internal Achievement, & Lessons Learned The Hard Way
Rob Henderson, Ph.D., talks about self-discipline, military training, and the importance of external vs. internal achievements. Reflects on the value of family over academic success. Shares insights on writing, volunteering, and the impact of belief in potential.
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Quick takeaways
Self-discipline over motivation is key for task completion.
Foster care challenges include instability and lack of support.
Supportive mentors can drive long-term success for mentees.
Deep dives
The Challenges of Foster Care and Educational Inequality
Children in foster care face significant obstacles in achieving educational success, with only 3% of them graduating from college compared to 11% of kids from poor families. The author, who grew up in foster homes, highlights the stark differences between his experiences and those of his classmates at Ivy League colleges. Despite the difficulties of navigating the foster care system and lacking stable homes, he managed to graduate from Yale and Cambridge. This disparity in educational outcomes for foster kids raises important questions about social mobility and why more attention is needed to support them.
The Challenges of Going Through the Foster Care System
The the foster care system presents numerous challenges for children. Constantly moving from one home to another, children in foster care often lack stability and struggle to form lasting connections. They are frequently separated from their biological relatives, leading to a sense of disconnection and uncertainty about their familial identity. Additionally, overcrowded systems and overwhelmed social workers contribute to a lack of individualized attention and support for each child. These struggles can have significant long-term effects on a child's well-being and educational outcomes.
The Importance of Belief and Support in Overcoming Adversity
Throughout his journey, the author emphasizes the impact of individuals who believed in him and offered support during his challenging upbringing. Teachers played a crucial role in recognizing his potential and encouraging him academically, despite the adversity he faced. The military also provided structure, discipline, and a sense of camaraderie. Furthermore, the author reflects on the importance of being able to rely on oneself while also striving to be the support system he needed as a child. This insight sheds light on the transformative power of belief and support in helping individuals overcome adversity.
Importance of Being a Tough Mentor/Influencer
Being a tough mentor or influencer can feel uncomfortable in the short term, but it can lead to long-term success for the individuals being mentored. The speaker shares personal experiences of hating mentors in the moment, but later developing deep respect and gratitude for their tough approach. The willingness to push people beyond their perceived limits can have a significant impact on their growth and achievements. It is emphasized that leaders have the opportunity to be that influence for others, even if it requires stepping out of the comfort zone.
The Power of Connection and Vulnerability in Leadership
The speaker highlights the importance of connection and vulnerability in effective leadership. The example of volunteering at New Haven Reads and helping a child named Guillermo learn to read is discussed. By taking the time to connect with and relate to Guillermo, the speaker was able to create a meaningful bond and inspire him to embrace reading. This experience demonstrates the power of being willing to share personal stories, relate to others, and create a sense of belonging. It also serves as a reminder that leaders should prioritize building relationships and making individuals feel seen and understood.
Rob Henderson has a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Cambridge, where he studied as a Gates Cambridge Scholar. He obtained a B.S. in psychology from Yale University and is a veteran of the U.S. Air Force. He's the author of Troubled: A Memoir of Foster Care, Family, and Social Class
Self-discipline beats motivation. Often, people say they need to feel “motivated” to perform a task. Motivation, though, is just a feeling. Self-discipline is “I’m going to do this, regardless of how I feel.”
Air Force Training – "My favorite part of training was the camaraderie. I especially enjoyed drill and marching. The synchronized movement with others, moving as a single element, instilled a feeling of belonging." – The military provided a structured environment.
Rob said that whenever he felt like an outsider, he sought refuge in helping others. Because of that, he volunteered at New Haven Reads near Yale. While there, he met a kid named Guillermo. There, he learned how to relate with others by sharing his story.
Writing: Rob was accepted into the War Horse Writing Seminar at Columbia University. The program was designed to help veterans write about their experiences.
External Achievement: "Upon obtaining a few totems of achievement, I came to realize that they are flawed measures of success. External accomplishments are trivial compared with a warm and loving family. Going to school is far less important than having a parent who cares enough to make sure you get to class every day."
Two of Rob's mom’s friends came to him for advice. They were talking about their 6-year-old son and they were concerned with how “smart” he was. They asked, “Should we be reading to him more?” And Rob responded, “Yeah, but not because it will expand his vocabulary. Read to him because it will remind him that you love him.”
The best and worst things about Yale:
Best
Students work ethic
Focused
Unique pursuits
Worst
Self-censorship
One of his instructors at Sheppard Air Force Base in Texas asked the class one Friday afternoon if they had any questions. Rob asked, “If you could do it all over again, would you still have enlisted?” – “Understand that the Air Force is going to ask a lot from you. Just remember that you can get a lot in return from it, as well.”
Luxury beliefs - Rob coined the term to describe beliefs that mark the believer as holding the approved opinion while harming those less privileged.
Lessons Learned The Hard Way:
You are what you do. Not what you say or what you believe. People use words to strategically justify their actions and blind you to who they really are. Don't be fooled by cheap talk. Pay close attention to how people actually spend their time and effort.
Good conversations are made up of questions. Avoid speaking for longer than three minutes without asking one.
When seeking advice, ask people in a different life station than you—ahead or behind, older or younger. People in the same position are often biased by envy, and this can color the advice they give.
One of the most common life regrets people report is “I wish I had let myself be happier.” You'll never be happy if you continue thinking that you’ll be happy one day.
“The study of happiness often sounds like a sermon for traditional values. The numbers show it is not the rich, privileged, robust, or good-looking who are happy; it is those who have spouses, friends, religion, and challenging, meaningful work” - Steven Pinker (How The Mind Works)
35% of people in America graduate with a bachelor's degree, 11% of people from poor families graduate from college. And just 3% of foster kids graduate from college. When you think about Rob’s story, it’s hard not to be inspired. He’s beaten almost impossible odds to not only graduate from college, but he served our country, then went to Yale, graduated, and got his PhD from Cambridge. It’s awesome to see what he’s done and he’s still so young and at the beginning of his career. I love it when good things happen to good people.
Life/career advice - “Be a fish out of water. Do something hard. Be uncomfortable.” That was advice for a recent grad, but I think it’s useful for all of us.
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